tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19882823937590721582024-03-08T14:58:17.967-05:00The Blue Moon Turtle BlogOffering unconventional perspectives on love and relating as well as deeper considerations of where some of our most strongly held beliefs about God and spirituality may originate; i.e from our globally shared human/biological developmental processes.Lori Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17705706227685359532noreply@blogger.comBlogger44125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1988282393759072158.post-76783810117683019912023-06-21T21:21:00.003-04:002023-06-22T14:13:12.622-04:00Staying Focused in the Midst of Life Transitions<div style="text-align: center;">NOW: A FLASH FROM THE PAST (WITH UPDATE AT THE END)</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">
My Year 2019 In Review</div>
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Wow! Looking back, 2019 was a really big year for me!<br />
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- Started off pretty well with continued work at Lowe's, recovering from an on-the-job foot injury, etc.<br />
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- I kept up with my sewing seven sets of basket liners, etc. at least in the early part of the year.<br />
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- I made some more progress on my Bible Text-Coding project, though not as much as I anticipated.<br />
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- Throughout the year I put in over 250 volunteer hours as president of the Friends of Green River Lake. In support of the USACE GRL Visitor Center, I took the lead on what was ultimately a successful 50th Anniversary of Green River Lake event held on June 15th.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiW2SAhvMZ-mU_hmBCIxBpNonR_lgZb6e9SuM4XBdH7YdKp8KvOBLZkJOOP8lJU25j6BM6mV9uPa_hNPs8YUaV6QquVTi7lP_kkOoRHp6b235gQjkEITBk7NE4u9d8Bh_Oqx42dhink__o/s1600/Green_River_Lake_50_Years_Transition.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiW2SAhvMZ-mU_hmBCIxBpNonR_lgZb6e9SuM4XBdH7YdKp8KvOBLZkJOOP8lJU25j6BM6mV9uPa_hNPs8YUaV6QquVTi7lP_kkOoRHp6b235gQjkEITBk7NE4u9d8Bh_Oqx42dhink__o/s1600/Green_River_Lake_50_Years_Transition.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="536" data-original-width="713" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiW2SAhvMZ-mU_hmBCIxBpNonR_lgZb6e9SuM4XBdH7YdKp8KvOBLZkJOOP8lJU25j6BM6mV9uPa_hNPs8YUaV6QquVTi7lP_kkOoRHp6b235gQjkEITBk7NE4u9d8Bh_Oqx42dhink__o/s200/Green_River_Lake_50_Years_Transition.jpg" width="200" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7DYFdYm6b8S8KxhYZXeSnAuIuMehamYT0dA49HlOSPGBNMe9j9Q-5Hz2107cDNVx7y9DN9ed77L38ATQMi_YpFUV9FIeHBzuaslGLp7RMA1AUPlMkYLB6FxAlcqka4ucCPrq-iSsF__0/s1600/Award_at_Visitor_Center.jpg" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="960" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7DYFdYm6b8S8KxhYZXeSnAuIuMehamYT0dA49HlOSPGBNMe9j9Q-5Hz2107cDNVx7y9DN9ed77L38ATQMi_YpFUV9FIeHBzuaslGLp7RMA1AUPlMkYLB6FxAlcqka4ucCPrq-iSsF__0/s200/Award_at_Visitor_Center.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
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- During the middle of all of the above, I started applying for and ultimately was offered a position as Office Clerk for the same USACE Visitor Center. Now my commute to work is<i> less than one mile</i>! WooHoo!<br />
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<br />
-Between the 50th Anniversary Event and starting my new job, I traveled to my old stomping grounds of Cookeville, TN to participate in the National Speleological Society Convention. I enjoyed visiting with many of my friends there from time I spent as a student at Tennessee Tech.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtAztodKmQGlMNeqaS9zh6cJ7SwlJw3b9qRtL_wXD0iXbjUhQV_6MeKXpkb9zRVD6cPilecJ_tR_8XuXs466e2JiPVOGHft-3ZFkB2Neyc-Va-gDx6Qmybf4mvS12vov_6HkE8NUYbvz0/s1600/Hanging_with_Friends_In_the_Barn.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="960" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtAztodKmQGlMNeqaS9zh6cJ7SwlJw3b9qRtL_wXD0iXbjUhQV_6MeKXpkb9zRVD6cPilecJ_tR_8XuXs466e2JiPVOGHft-3ZFkB2Neyc-Va-gDx6Qmybf4mvS12vov_6HkE8NUYbvz0/s320/Hanging_with_Friends_In_the_Barn.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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-I started my new job on June 24th, working full-time, while continuing to work a day on the weekends at Lowe's until September 1st.<br />
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-In mid-September I started "moving" - i.e., repositioning most of my belongings downstairs to make room for my sister, Connie, to move in as a more full-time presence and caretaker for Dad. She joined us the first weekend of October.<br />
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I know it may seem like a small thing, but I really liked what I was able to do in re-organizing my room. In addition, I completed one personal sewing project I've had on my agenda for a long, long, time - multiple plastic bag holders to hold all different sizes of plastic bags. Now I have them, and I think they look pretty cool hanging from my craft storage rack!<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNCruVqV5MQcK3miav8m_xDEqDHdWYzs0AV1yQDAsloezERRHQQUOCMI8ATsd877chFPc27B6N9RieFY1wKwoIaVkwZq9o1McQmzOjsIhlqZB2qCUJLs9VvKzmS_hMnkX0RhXbjYslDt0/s1600/IMG_6648.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNCruVqV5MQcK3miav8m_xDEqDHdWYzs0AV1yQDAsloezERRHQQUOCMI8ATsd877chFPc27B6N9RieFY1wKwoIaVkwZq9o1McQmzOjsIhlqZB2qCUJLs9VvKzmS_hMnkX0RhXbjYslDt0/s320/IMG_6648.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
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-After thoroughly cleaning the side opposite the workbenches, I also re-positioned all of my boxes that have been stored in the upper level of the set-apart garage to the lower level, so we could move the older Cadillac into the set-apart garage to make room for Connie's car in the main garage. Thanks to my co-workers Kai and Cole for helping in that effort, everything went pretty smoothly. I have some big plans for this space that I will share more about in the future. For now, consider these some of the "before" pictures!<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiS-br2OoNpeA8Xw7We3eY_HzoLtcQ-cYyMUxGO3psa4Ckw8GIvq7ym5o4LUg8Ps5-7ATTmT_i7x6lee-lsxYTtBJfVK1uw7nH-DAz7jlT9wJQiehRZfIa0JTNc9C48xZhn_F8A4h3axeM/s1600/IMG_6649.JPG" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiS-br2OoNpeA8Xw7We3eY_HzoLtcQ-cYyMUxGO3psa4Ckw8GIvq7ym5o4LUg8Ps5-7ATTmT_i7x6lee-lsxYTtBJfVK1uw7nH-DAz7jlT9wJQiehRZfIa0JTNc9C48xZhn_F8A4h3axeM/s200/IMG_6649.JPG" width="150" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDaAV2cyb_Ty1iRyx9rYoyw9AcwU20hI_rBbBmW0MhRk_oBGV5FRhhoVLrkY9duj6WG91dIWU2mawh5vDngbPZTpt5pKkjW2pcB6Ij8AsYmCpDhUYS2YVT5VqKYvy2KRWKnh3MOCaSCfc/s1600/IMG_6652.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDaAV2cyb_Ty1iRyx9rYoyw9AcwU20hI_rBbBmW0MhRk_oBGV5FRhhoVLrkY9duj6WG91dIWU2mawh5vDngbPZTpt5pKkjW2pcB6Ij8AsYmCpDhUYS2YVT5VqKYvy2KRWKnh3MOCaSCfc/s200/IMG_6652.JPG" width="200" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhA7lhyphenhyphenZjTKK7GVRQGvKCQ12xwWUOKd60zsCkkj8yJp_4KsJ8v7Bxd7JOtXScky4JPIoN6TfcymFD4CUuWp12WqY_xyIyg6d65lO3LfvbSzUQVgGbhxHcoP7xPFa_a-2IFQO0AB_xKgeM/s1600/IMG_6657.JPG" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhA7lhyphenhyphenZjTKK7GVRQGvKCQ12xwWUOKd60zsCkkj8yJp_4KsJ8v7Bxd7JOtXScky4JPIoN6TfcymFD4CUuWp12WqY_xyIyg6d65lO3LfvbSzUQVgGbhxHcoP7xPFa_a-2IFQO0AB_xKgeM/s200/IMG_6657.JPG" width="200" /></a></div>
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- In November, my mother, who has been in an assisted living apartment in Dalton, GA for the past 12 years, became sick enough to be hospitalized. I traveled to Dalton with my sister Carolyn to assist in transitioning her to a nursing home after she recovered enough to be moved. That trip was followed by second, accompanied by another co-worker, Josh, who provided a truck and know-how to help move my mother's electric chair and other pieces of furniture.<br />
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-We had a larger than usual get-together of family for Thanksgiving, and I prepared the turkey and helped clean-up afterwards.<br />
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-After Thanksgiving, I traveled back to Dalton one more time, to finish moving the rest of Mom's stuff from the apartment and to thoroughly clean everything and make repairs as necessary (mostly tracking down a replacement globe for her light fixture in the kitchen). Granted, that included "Black Friday" and it was dreary and rainy, and I didn't know my way around Dalton too well, but I managed to get everything wrapped up by Saturday evening, November 30th. (Thanks to Carolyn for helping me with a hotel room for Friday night.) I started driving home around 8:30 pm on Saturday night and drove in rain and sometimes fog that lasted the whole trip. Definitely one of the times when I came to appreciate the significance of the reflective bumps as lane markers!<br />
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-So that left me only a few non-workdays in December to finish four months' worth of basket liners and painted cord-locks (i.e., 28 liners and 91 painted mini-cord locks)! Somehow I managed to do all that before Christmas!<br />
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-And then...I was off to DC via Boone, NC to see Jocko Willink Live at the Warner Theater! I passed through Boone to visit with my friends Laurie and Don and stayed with my friend Ilona in Bethesda. I also visited with my old boss at NIH, Dr. Swaroop, and checked-in with a few of my previous co-workers who were still there.<br />
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At this point I feel a little elaboration is in order...<br />
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I have written about Jocko Willink before, especially with respect to his co-authorship of the book, <i>Extreme Ownership.</i> (See my post: <i><a href="http://thebluemoonturtleblog.blogspot.com/2016/05/i-recently-finished-reading-this-book.html" target="_blank">"On Parenting and Leadership"</a>).</i> I give credit to that book for helping guide me in my leadership of the 50th Anniversary Event this past summer.<br />
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Every morning, Jocko takes a picture of his watch, usually a few minutes after 4:30 AM, and posts it on Twitter. In turn, followers will "Like" his post and/or post pictures of their watches and the time, etc., as a reply. It's almost like a morning "muster" or "roll call."<br />
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Now I know Jocko is a true-blue <a href="https://www.elephantjournal.com/2018/01/understanding-the-4-major-archetypes-for-men-woman/" target="_blank">"Warrior"</a>, archetypally, and, as an archetypal "Medium," (on the opposite side of that polarity) I have had some resistance to "externalizing my locus of control," or seeking external validation or motivation from Jocko or anyone else for that matter. Besides, Jocko lives on the West Coast, so when he tweets, it is actually 7:30 AM here in the Eastern Time Zone and I'm already at work!<br />
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However, just prior to focusing on this upcoming event in DC, I had an epiphany:<br />
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- First: I really <i>did</i> want to be getting up early and getting through an exercise routine <i>before</i> going to work every day, for <i>myself</i>. Up to that moment, though, I had not found enough motivation <i>on my own</i> to do it consistently. Granted, working all kinds of crazy hours and shifts and days at Lowe's did not help, but with the new job, that was no longer an issue, so also not a reason, nor an "excuse"...!<br />
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- Second: Given I already had this<i> intrinsic</i> motivation, it wasn't really an "externalizing of my locus of control" issue, it was more taking advantage of a little <i>extra</i> (albeit, external) motivation from Jocko & Company.<br />
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- Third: Rather than "following" Jocko's lead, I realized I could become a leader myself, i.e. I could be the one to tweet first for the "#EasternTimeZoneCheckIn."<br />
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In addition, a few weeks earlier, I took the opportunity to listen to the audio version of James Clear's <i><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Atomic-Habits-Proven-Build-Break/dp/B07RFSSYBH/ref=sr_1_3?keywords=atomic+habits&qid=1579385710&sr=8-3" target="_blank">Atomic Habits...</a> </i>It really impressed upon me the power of making very small but consistent changes that could add up over time. Furthermore, I have always identified with the "slow and steady" progress of turtles, so Clear's message really rang true for me.<br />
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Consequently, with more than enough time to establish a habit (i.e., around 21 days or repetitions), on Monday, December 9th, I started getting myself out of bed every morning around 4:30 AM (or earlier, as necessary). I used a roughly drawn calendar on my whiteboard to track my progress and included the images of the calendar and my watch in each post along with the hashtags "CountDown2JockoInDC," and "EasternTimeZoneCheckIn", etc.<br />
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My workout included time on an older style stationary bike, generously given to me by my new boss (whose name also happens to be Lori). Then I used handweights for a series of upper body exercises, followed by yoga (one of the three Daily Exercise Routines from <i><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Richard-Hittlemans-Yoga-Exercise-Plan/dp/0911104216/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=Richard+Hittlemans+28+Day&qid=1579391800&s=audible&sr=8-1" target="_blank">Richard Hittleman's Yoga: 28 Day Exercise Plan</a>)</i>, followed by meditation.<br />
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This is what the board looked like after I'd completed five weeks, including the week of the Jocko Live event in Washington, DC:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDFew4u4A8RZx4AJL-SXHwPW9AWMLUzei-UL2rR1qXeCMFNIq_eG5U0cWmoFjq_j7wwwgT-RWJzc_6e99XGtiEogDF9VOG4rtLAnI9JRufOfKe1o9E0349nD9gPA8rgCRDWh7Y5BndkBs/s1600/IMG_20200111_132611668.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDFew4u4A8RZx4AJL-SXHwPW9AWMLUzei-UL2rR1qXeCMFNIq_eG5U0cWmoFjq_j7wwwgT-RWJzc_6e99XGtiEogDF9VOG4rtLAnI9JRufOfKe1o9E0349nD9gPA8rgCRDWh7Y5BndkBs/s320/IMG_20200111_132611668.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Since starting that regimen, with some increases to intensity and/or time, weight and/or repetitions, along the way, I've only missed ONE DAY so far out of 45 days! And the day I missed was the day after waiting in line until 11:30 PM at the Warner Theater, to meet Jocko and get his autograph on my books! (And yes, I had TWO books for him to sign, since I ended up with an extra ticket - and, therefore, and extra book.)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijwMqkAl9dNYNrfyiprTXi_YgJX4ZPE3e9J3y8qIDKLs_U2jnXyR0rUxU7lG60-pMpQ6WwkwttRl6bQ79LQ7jqLDHYwX09n_ixR0ucxiOG9r9ZLQQaL4yoB-MyYEvigFp2b3jBshoeVHPcQLpp0Z4yHBufRWEHWr9H4yccLyjPOXoWq0f1aO-7QlvqipQ/s2048/IMG_0997.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1536" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijwMqkAl9dNYNrfyiprTXi_YgJX4ZPE3e9J3y8qIDKLs_U2jnXyR0rUxU7lG60-pMpQ6WwkwttRl6bQ79LQ7jqLDHYwX09n_ixR0ucxiOG9r9ZLQQaL4yoB-MyYEvigFp2b3jBshoeVHPcQLpp0Z4yHBufRWEHWr9H4yccLyjPOXoWq0f1aO-7QlvqipQ/s320/IMG_0997.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>I didn't actually get to sleep until closer to 1:00AM Tuesday morning, and then I had to be out the door of my friend's apartment by 6:30 AM to get back to Campbellsville in time to return my rental car by 5:30 PM. So, I did not want to miss out on sleep for SAFETY reasons! And, trust me, since part of that return trip took me through West Virginia in a snowstorm, I needed all the sleep I could get!</div><div>
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I will admit, there have been some mornings since I started when I did not want to get up at 4:30 AM! Mostly because there have been some nights when I got to watching T.V. (or more recently, working on a 1000-piece puzzle "just for fun"), and I got into bed later than I should have. However, I have gained some Twitter Followers/Accountability Partners and when I have trouble getting up just for myself, I'm also getting up with and for them. We're all helping each other Stay On the Path!</div><div><br /></div><div>Furthermore, I think it is important to understand that I am not trying to "prove" anything by this. Instead, I am letting it be a "demonstration" of what a woman, of my age, and abilities can do, when she puts her heart to it. Also, my focus has not been on an end result, i.e., losing a certain amount of weight, or whatever. Instead, the focus has been on <i>building the habit itself</i>. As I learned from James Clear, it doesn't matter how small the effort; as long as it is <i>consistent</i>, changes will happen naturally over time. And once you have established a foundation, you can start tacking on more and more desirable habits over time.</div><div>
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Once again, it is all about "Turtle Power" - slow and steady wins the race!<br />
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We'll see what lies ahead in 2020!</div><div><br /></div><div>Update: June 21, 2023</div><div><br /></div><div>Well, we all know now what was "ahead in 2020"! The COVID-19 pandemic! In addition, my dad started needing 24-hour care which, for me, became cleaning, dressing, and getting him settled in his lift chair each morning before work, and sitting with him for an additional eight hours on Saturday and Sunday. I won't go into details of how that particular arrangement came about, between me, my sister, and the overnight caretaker(s), but it was pretty much the same for the next two-and-a-half years until I got COVID myself at the end of April 2022. That laid me up for a long stretch, through which I eventually had to go back to work, and still tried to help out with dad as much as I could until he passed at the end of August that same year. We are still working to finalize the material and some financial matters of his estate. I also had to help my mother get moved again when the nursing home she was in closed, shortly after Dad died.</div><div><br /></div><div>As for work...I am still with the Corps of Engineers, however, at the end of 2020, the Office Administrator decided she liked being home all the time and chose to retire. Another employee from the maintenance side of the project, who had lots of admin experience from his work for the National Guard, and had also worked as a ranger, was hired as the new Office Administrator. I was not interested in applying because I was still figuring out my own position, having yet to go through a "normal" fiscal year or recreation season at that point. </div><div><br /></div><div>The transition for the new Office Admin was not an easy one though, and he was just starting to get things figure out when, lo and behold, he gets deployed to Texas with his guard unit...for a year, which is now going on more like 20 months, and will probably be getting closer to two years before he gets back! We had a couple of people fill the admin role as a 90-day temporary assignment, but that didn't work out as well as we'd hoped. I still carried the load of a significant part of both jobs even while they were with us. After the second temp left, it fell to me to continue, doing most of the work of both jobs until we were able to get another temporary employee in the clerk position, with limited responsibilities.</div><div><br /></div><div>(With regards to that garage space that I mentioned above...I'm pretty much living down here now. But I will save the renovation story for a separate blog post.😉)</div><div><br /></div><div>With regards to exercise, etc.: I became a new follower of Andrew Huberman's <a href="https://hubermanlab.com/welcome-to-the-huberman-lab-podcast/" target="_blank">podcasts</a>, and I learned about the health benefits of cold exposure. I started swimming in Green River Lake in June 2022 one to three times a week. It had the triple benefit of cold-water exposure, low-impact, high cardio exercise, and early morning light exposure. I continued with that into October or November? I know I posted photos of my thermometer and my watch time regularly in response to Jocko's regular Twitter posts (mentioned above). And I definitely took the plunge on New Year's Day 2023! However, I later learned I could get a good response at least with the cold exposure, just by taking a one-minute cold shower, which I generally do almost every day now. In addition, I continue to follow the practice of getting early morning and dusk sunlight to help synchronize my sleep/wake cycle (circadian rhythm). </div><div><br /></div><div>While we were on Eastern Standard Time, I also managed to stay on a decent morning work-out routine, but once we lost that hour, with the shift to Daylight Savings time, I have not been able to make the adjustment, and because my sleep cycle is so critical to my overall mood (i.e. to avoid depression!), I've just allowed my body to stay on Standard time as much as it needs to, and I try to get some active outside work or exercise in the evenings instead.</div><div><br /></div><div>Most importantly, though, I'm trying to get back into researching and writing more. Opening up this un-published blog from over three years ago and finishing it, is a start! Turtle Powering On!</div><div><br /></div><div>Now we'll see what the rest of <b>2023</b> has in store! </div><div><br /></div><div>Peace Always, my Friends, whoever, and wherever you are!</div>
Lori Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17705706227685359532noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1988282393759072158.post-32254520194650082052019-04-13T17:33:00.001-04:002019-04-13T17:35:50.823-04:00Planning and Tracking, Tracking and PlanningReaching personal goals is a big subject in the marketplace these days, as it has been for decades with input from people like Dale Carnegie, author of <a href="https://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0671027034" target="_blank">How to Win Friends and Influence People</a>, and more recently, Stephen R.Covey author of <a href="https://www.amazon.com/dp/1451639619/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_U_6TJSCbQK86F8Q" target="_blank">The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People</a>, and Jocko Willink and Leif Babin authors of <a href="https://www.amazon.com/dp/1250183863/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_U_eWJSCb8QMR1HD" target="_blank">Extreme Ownership</a> and <a href="https://www.amazon.com/dp/1250195772/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_U_4WJSCb3T2B9TN" target="_blank">The Dichotomy of Leadership</a>. I have personally struggled for decades to get a better handle on my time and my personal productivity.<br />
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In 2004, I started working full-time as a Navy Calibration Technician for the Armed Forces Radiobiology Research institute in Bethesda, MD. In addition, shortly after becoming a member, I was elected Vice President of Education for the Toastmasters Club I joined and remained in that capacity for pretty much the next seven years. While I moved almost every year, got married, and then divorced, I also attended college, mostly on-line, until I finished my Bachelor's in Social Science degree in May 2010, graduating with honors. On many weekends, I also worked as a bicycle race official throughout the region including Maryland, Virginia, and Delaware and kept up with a very well weeded garden in a community garden plot as well.</div>
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Needless to say...I stayed busy. What with a few field exercises at various times thrown in for good measure, I had a lot on my plate, and keeping track of all of it was a huge challenge.</div>
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My very first attempt at long-term planning actually took place many years earlier, fashioning "Three Year Calendars" on large sheets of poster board, all drawn by hand. I created a "Six Year" version of this for my landlady housemate, when I lived in Kalispell, Montana, back in 1989, by creating the calendars on both sides of a single board. I updated that when I moved to Campbellsville, KY shortly after I became involved with the Friends of Green River Lake. In the image below, my personal "Three Year Calendar" is on the left. The one for the Friends of Green River Lake is on the right. (The "blue stars" are for all the weeks that I successfully completed my "Bible Text Coding" discussed in my <a href="http://thebluemoonturtleblog.blogspot.com/2019/03/a-review-of-embracing-my.html" target="_blank">previous blog.</a>)<br />
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Towards the end of my time in the Navy, I designed another planning/tracking system using standard 8.5" x 11" sheets, hole-punched to fit in a three ring binder. One sheet was a monthly calendar I could fill in from scratch. Then there were two planning pages per week. On these sheets I could arrange 2" x 2" Post-It notes for each day of the week and with varying degrees of priority; i.e. in columns "A", "B", or "C". These could be further prioritized depending on how the Post-It notes were stacked on top of each other in each square.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjax5vjql9jnnS-m8aDbDJ557AsMI-B1EkWSajYsORyrhkegxxQzYB_GpktpzRBX1Pqz1z27Qn0RfqBM3PgrE8zPqywezCZSzbjvnrjXfS5BIXZuvxUQ2_u0NsoW3jz2cNzetgY6-I6vmY/s1600/Time_Tracker_Sheet_1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgI5svCRd49f9aHPGxagPIetydmhDZh3XkLjmtdj0CStxt1tghGGnyl_KsofkBFN7ut6D-0Iof8YsyqbGjmuTLYnP_WNtWzFS6KX8fcvhaNBwj1Qu_TX5Q4WGEziKRkCwnZC-2wAGsH6Yo/s1600/Time_Tracker_Sheet_2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1237" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgI5svCRd49f9aHPGxagPIetydmhDZh3XkLjmtdj0CStxt1tghGGnyl_KsofkBFN7ut6D-0Iof8YsyqbGjmuTLYnP_WNtWzFS6KX8fcvhaNBwj1Qu_TX5Q4WGEziKRkCwnZC-2wAGsH6Yo/s320/Time_Tracker_Sheet_2.jpg" width="247" /></a><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1237" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjax5vjql9jnnS-m8aDbDJ557AsMI-B1EkWSajYsORyrhkegxxQzYB_GpktpzRBX1Pqz1z27Qn0RfqBM3PgrE8zPqywezCZSzbjvnrjXfS5BIXZuvxUQ2_u0NsoW3jz2cNzetgY6-I6vmY/s320/Time_Tracker_Sheet_1.jpg" width="247" /></div>
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As efficient as this notebook-sized system seemed to be, I never really utilized it well for any extended period of time. I think no matter what system people use (or <i>try</i> to use), they have to be motivated to keep up with it. As I have mentioned in previous posts, I think my focus and productivity have gotten at least somewhat better after reading Tim Urban's articles on procrastination; <a href="https://waitbutwhy.com/2013/10/why-procrastinators-procrastinate.html" target="_blank">Why Procrastinators Procrastinate</a>, <a href="https://waitbutwhy.com/2015/03/procrastination-matrix.html" target="_blank">The Procrastination Matrix</a>, and <a href="https://waitbutwhy.com/2013/11/how-to-beat-procrastination.html" target="_blank">How to Beat Procrastination</a>, as well as <a href="https://waitbutwhy.com/2014/05/life-weeks.html" target="_blank">Your Life In Weeks</a>. I have been keeping up with my<a href="https://store.waitbutwhy.com/collections/posters/products/life-calendar-24in-x-36in" target="_blank"> "Life Calendar"</a> for almost four years now. It's definitely helping me stay focused on my Big Research Project; i.e. "text coding" the New Testament. I get to color the week's block "blue" when I accomplish my (now) "one chapter per week" goal.<br />
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However, there are many, many other things I am challenging myself to do each week now as well. So how do I keep track of the details of all of these things on a weekly basis?<br />
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Enter my newest tool: <a href="https://www.walmart.com/ip/Luxor-Magnetic-Ghost-Grid-Wall-Mounted-Dry-Erase-Board-48-x-36-Silver-Aluminum-Frame/714521851" target="_blank">A 3' x 4' White Board with a 2" x 2" "ghost grid."</a> I've been using it for about three weeks now, not only scheduling specific tasks, but tracking my time that is not already scheduled. It's been interesting to see how much time can get "sucked away" when I'm kind of looking at my board, hour-by-hour. Once I've finished a day, I can then make even better notes in my calendar/datebook (something I've been doing consistently now since the end of 2012).<br />
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The days with the most notes are the ones that have already passed. I'll remove the notes when I've documented everything in my datebook. The more empty days are ahead of me, but they'll fill in pretty quickly, even though I am off work right now due to a foot injury. With the board turned on its end like this, I have room for two weeks across the top and hours from 6 am to 12 pm down the side. That leaves a little more room for miscellaneous stickers around the edges, projects or tasks that get repeated, or longer-term projects that I haven't scheduled yet. I also put lists of things I need to buy for groceries or other projects. It's turning out to be a pretty flexible system, and I like the kind of "life-sized" quality about it. It's enough to get good detail over a good length of time. And, of course, for even longer-term planning, I can go back to my "Six Year" calendar format.<br />
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So this is where things stand to date with my personal attempts to keep track of my time and make the most of it. There are lots of projects that I'm working on for work and for my local community, as well as personal projects. I'm trying to keep all of it in balance!<br />
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I do feel I'm getting more accomplished, and there's still enough flexibility in the system to adjust as needed.<br />
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As I said earlier, every personal planning/organizational system requires the motivation to use it. I think that's where Tim Urban's articles can have some impact. Perseverance helps, too. I've been wrestling with this bear for a good part of my life now, and I'm already 54 years old as of the writing of this post. But, I keep trying, and I do feel I'm making progress!<br />
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Hope there is something here to keep you motivated as well!Lori Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17705706227685359532noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1988282393759072158.post-43319276772899348992019-03-08T14:56:00.001-05:002019-03-23T08:14:31.338-04:00A Review of "Embracing My Multipotentiality for 2018" and Additional Plans for 2019It's been almost a year since my <a href="https://thebluemoonturtleblog.blogspot.com/2018/03/embracing-my-multipotentiality-for-2018.html" target="_blank">last post</a> and a very busy first year it was of "Embracing My Multipotentiality". So how did I do?<br />
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Regarding:<br />
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"<span style="background-color: white; color: rgba(0 , 0 , 0 , 0.9); font-size: 16px;">Text Coding the New Testament of the Bible for communications relevant to Jonathan Haidt's '</span><a href="http://moralfoundations.org/" style="background-color: white; font-size: 16px;" target="_blank">moral foundations</a>'<span style="background-color: white; color: rgba(0 , 0 , 0 , 0.9); font-size: 16px;">; i.e. Care/Harm, Loyalty/Betrayal, Fairness/Cheating, Authority/Subversion, Sanctity/Degradation and Liberty/Oppression."</span></blockquote>
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I started out wanting to do five chapters a week, and kept up pretty well in the early part of the year, but then work picked-up during the summer and I got behind. I managed to cover those five chapters a week for 16 weeks from January to about mid-April which added up to 80 chapters. As I found that five chapter load a bit too heavy, I dropped back to one chapter per week and restarted in late November 2018. Now I'm at the 16 week mark again (so, 96 chapters total). I hope to maintain this one chapter per week schedule to the completion of the roughly 260 chapters in the New Testament, which means it will take me another three years or so! It feels good though to have this goal and to be persevering to achieve it, even if it is going to take quite a bit longer than I first imagined. Engaging the process of deep, verse by verse consideration has had its own rewards. I know at the end of this journey I will have a fairly unique perspective of the New Testament and who knows how that will evolve out into the rest of my life and the world?<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: rgba(0 , 0 , 0 , 0.9); font-size: 16px;"> "</span><span style="background-color: white; color: rgba(0 , 0 , 0 , 0.9); font-size: 16px;">Keeping up with my personal yoga exercising three times a week."</span></blockquote>
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This has been off and on a bit throughout the year, but I'm back "on" as of now, squeezing in between three and six yoga sessions/week. I'm pushing to make it six, but the fall-back is three sessions/week.<br />
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"<span style="background-color: white; color: rgba(0 , 0 , 0 , 0.9); font-size: 16px;">Sewing monthly basket liners and preparing cookie samples and recipes for the five people/families I gave baskets to this past Christmas (with any left-over cookies going to my co-workers)."</span></blockquote>
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I managed to keep up with my sewing and cookie baking, although, I did get behind once in a while. As you can see by the photo, there's a lot that went into the "Year 1" baskets.<br />
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Furthermore, it got really intense towards Christmas time as I was concluding the "Year 1" baskets while also starting "Year 2". I finally gave up on trying to find the right size and quality of baskets I'm looking for "out there" in thrift stores and the general market, and instead found a <a href="https://basketweaving.com/shopsite_sc/store/html/index.html" target="_blank">source for materials</a> to Make My Own!<br />
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Consequently, there were four baskets in the "Year 2" collection that I made myself and I intend to refine my pattern and make all of the baskets for the "Year 3" collection.<br />
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Furthermore, I am now creating reusable, coordinating, draw-string closures for the cookie bags using hand-painted <a href="https://www.ebay.com/itm/Mini-Button-Choose-Qty-Cordlock-2-holes-1-16-White-Cord-Lock-End-Stop-New-/381131652859" target="_blank">mini-button cord locks</a> and <a href="https://www.ebay.com/itm/130811180796" target="_blank">2mm Rattail Cord</a>.<br />
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That means for the "Artistic/Creative" potential of my "multipotentialite" life I am (so far): weaving baskets, sewing liners and bows, miniature painting, cooking/baking, and desk-top publishing (for the recipes). And...I just discovered this fabric/wall paper/wrapping paper printing service, <a href="https://www.spoonflower.com/spoonflower_fabrics" target="_blank">Spoonflower.com</a>, which means I have the option now to <i>design my own fabrics</i> as well! All very, very exciting!</div>
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Oh, and as if all that weren't enough, as one more challenge for my baskets this year...I'm preparing vegan and gluten free recipes drawn from two main sources: <i><a href="https://www.blogger.com/Learn%20more:%20https://www.amazon.com/dp/1624143334/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_U_XhRGCbV3YWTTD" target="_blank">Easy Flourless Muffins, Bars, & Cookies</a></i> by Amanda Drozdz, and <i><a href="https://www.amazon.com/dp/1452158886/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_U_IiRGCbGJGR1DS" target="_blank">Energy Balls</a></i> by Christal Sczebel. I feel the former recipes have been a bit "mixed" as far as results go. The "energy balls" have all been pretty good though, at least to me! I'm also trying to convert one more conventional recipe to vegan/gluten free for my offerings each month.</div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: rgba(0 , 0 , 0 , 0.9); font-size: 16px;">"Taking care of my cat and all the other critters in the neighborhood - birds, squirrels, chipmunks, ground hogs, raccoons, deer, etc...."</span></blockquote>
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Funny story...<br />
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As spring rolled in this year, though haltingly, "O.K." (short for "Outside Kitty") disappeared for an extended period of time and I feared the worst. Sure enough, as I was driving to work one afternoon I glanced over to the side of the road to see the white hind paws and grey tabby body of a dead cat, and my heart sank. I couldn't stop though as I was pushed to get to work on-time (as usual) so I waited until I was on my way home to circle the car back around and determine if it was "O.K.". It was dark by then, and rainy, but the dark-tipped tail was the "give-away" for me. So I placed the cold, stiff body of "O.K." in the trunk of the car and took him back home. I laid him on the ground in front of the office door so KiKi and Chloe could sniff him, and know that he was "gone". Cold temperatures persisted, along with rain for the next few days so I left "O.K." lying on "his" chair, resting peacefully. Three or four days later, we finally got a break in the weather. I found a nice little sun-drenched, moss-covered hillock in the woods, and buried "O.K." there with due ceremony, and a couple of sticks of "Holy Cat" incense to send him on his way.<br />
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Or...at least I thought...until the REAL "O.K." showed up at the door that night!!!!<br />
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In other words...I buried the "wrong" cat!<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgh_WReQm2UBpQIA90XVWr1vM5py2IQUNEhfPVRVGtOPCco2vlpR5u53Jwm8MuJfW8ql8X32ob-7ssddj9VeOdokfJScKVfoMNFlMWTmDN5nnMczTNk7MqcnYExpS5eXyLSFv4P-FCU52E/s1600/00000797.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgh_WReQm2UBpQIA90XVWr1vM5py2IQUNEhfPVRVGtOPCco2vlpR5u53Jwm8MuJfW8ql8X32ob-7ssddj9VeOdokfJScKVfoMNFlMWTmDN5nnMczTNk7MqcnYExpS5eXyLSFv4P-FCU52E/s320/00000797.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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Although the Real O.K. was favoring his left front paw, he was otherwise alive and well and has continued to show back up at the house more or less regularly (although I still worry about him when he goes "missing" for more than 24 hours). There's a big shaggy dog, one coyote I've seen, and who knows what else he has to avoid to survive, but I'm doing what I can to make sure he has food and water to keep his strength up.<br />
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Of Note: I feel kind of bad now that I "sacrificed" one <i>really nice</i> burial spot in the woods, and if I <i>should</i> have to bury the Real O.K., I'll have to find yet another spot! Either way, feral or domestic, the <i>Other Cat</i> got a very nice burial, courtesy of yours truly! (And thanks to the Trail Cam my brother-in-law Ted gave me for Christmas, I have some better photos with which to identify the Real O.K. in the future, if necessary!)<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: rgba(0 , 0 , 0 , 0.9); font-size: 16px;">"...while also continuing to broaden my knowledge of primitive skills and wild edibles and sharing those skills whenever possible via Longhunter and other local events."</span></blockquote>
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Only made it to two major events this past year, one being the <a href="https://www.homeplacefarmky.org/" target="_blank">2018 Homeplace Fall Heritage Festival </a> where I was welcomed again to share tent space with Ken Hill. I put a new and improved display together of wild edible and utilitarian plants and demonstrated how to make cordage. I received quite abit of attention from the crowd and look forward to doing it again this next year. (Photo courtesy of Ken Hill)<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWbiEhTNmGIDYYoWW8-1dALB6ARm1LDx8TD2rlXpuK9bo2OolgTYxz7szPN_S78Q3UemL1FnYJ56R6iPMrDGHdj4JfG3fazqXRtp6SZUSh-vmN81QUXcmJnIm_yUd_6ETy02l769qmWxk/s1600/Harvest_Festival_2018-9-8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="960" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWbiEhTNmGIDYYoWW8-1dALB6ARm1LDx8TD2rlXpuK9bo2OolgTYxz7szPN_S78Q3UemL1FnYJ56R6iPMrDGHdj4JfG3fazqXRtp6SZUSh-vmN81QUXcmJnIm_yUd_6ETy02l769qmWxk/s320/Harvest_Festival_2018-9-8.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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The second major event was the annual Lakeshore Clean-up on September 15th. I decided to purchase an inflatable kayak and took my time paddling around the western shoreline north of the Site 1 Boat Ramp, retrieving trash with a "grabber" tool and an extendable pole with a paint roller hook on the end of it. The roller hook did not want to stay on my pole so I was retrieving it about as much as I was retrieving trash (!) but, I at least proved to myself that it was a workable idea.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjP3fg9E9bDIK5CYvmJUMZBgSFVmcGs2Ux8qjn58IZOHM2Oszp1AOVLReVvwVutMuZ51AJ3hTzNe8lLvQRT3ySoDfocfAW3gov_nbf9t5pDr6ziXJ6yhVrQlKJET61jfOLtcJ4xDbjGOH4/s1600/Intex_Challenger_K1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="960" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjP3fg9E9bDIK5CYvmJUMZBgSFVmcGs2Ux8qjn58IZOHM2Oszp1AOVLReVvwVutMuZ51AJ3hTzNe8lLvQRT3ySoDfocfAW3gov_nbf9t5pDr6ziXJ6yhVrQlKJET61jfOLtcJ4xDbjGOH4/s320/Intex_Challenger_K1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Unfortunately, by the time I got out of the water at the end of the point behind the Visitors Center, everyone had already headed over to the State Park for lunch. So...no boats available to transport <i>me</i> there. I had to deflate the kayak and haul it and my other gear all the way up the hill to the parking lot. My friend Starr, who had also come to volunteer, picked me up. Thank goodness I was at least able to reach her, as I was pretty exhausted after the morning paddling and the hike up the hill. However, it taught me what was possible, and that was a good lesson for sure!</div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: rgba(0 , 0 , 0 , 0.9); font-size: 16px;">"Taking care of my aging father."</span></blockquote>
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After a very busy Christmas, both with work and family, Dad became weak and lost his balance a couple of times, and falling, while I was away at work on December 26th. Luckily, our next door neighbor was home and was able to help him in both cases. It was a bit disturbing, but I was able to reach out through one of my contacts I'd made at the Chamber of Commerce luncheons, and get some home-health care set-up fairly quickly. My step-sister, Connie Hayse, also pitched in to help early on, staying at the house while I went to work. Dad has since recovered and is pretty much back to "normal" for him.<br />
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However, given that bit of a "scare" after Christmas, my sisters and their families made an extra effort to come to visit in February to celebrate Dad's 86th birthday.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxQxOuE3QAz4sTiCpLaAj9171_rY_asSkrYNzHam_Spbt79ACO2xTLqguT8XLd_Y8-qFHXxLgiqkm6yVlSzUWgmV8aM_keYKdphjhjZmJw_LjguXi556I2l068Ktos3uEliVt5UchcYEU/s1600/Dads_86th_Birthday_Dinner2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="900" data-original-width="1600" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxQxOuE3QAz4sTiCpLaAj9171_rY_asSkrYNzHam_Spbt79ACO2xTLqguT8XLd_Y8-qFHXxLgiqkm6yVlSzUWgmV8aM_keYKdphjhjZmJw_LjguXi556I2l068Ktos3uEliVt5UchcYEU/s320/Dads_86th_Birthday_Dinner2.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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While they were in town, Ted, Connie (Dickerson), and I went with my niece, Rhylli, to hike three of the trails around Green River Lake. The weather cooperated with clear skies and relatively warm temperatures giving all of us an opportunity to get some fresh air, sunshine, and exercise! We were on a mission as Rhylli had a "Hiking Pin" to earn, being a recent inductee, and one of the <i>first girls</i> to join the (Boy) Scouts of America.(Photos courtesy Ted Dickerson)<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiw9bY2MHKRyJfSFugvXvUZhLMllhqup0mE0Un9FDZTbt0T_kpLCylwEUCOq_Af2y6lg0FtGzzVj-1kfYhMP7AgVQoBuPdOP4yakwzdKKw5iSF3GiPtJ8pdZ9mACHHayTJANA_I3AFL6Z4/s1600/On_the_Trails_2019-2-3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="540" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiw9bY2MHKRyJfSFugvXvUZhLMllhqup0mE0Un9FDZTbt0T_kpLCylwEUCOq_Af2y6lg0FtGzzVj-1kfYhMP7AgVQoBuPdOP4yakwzdKKw5iSF3GiPtJ8pdZ9mACHHayTJANA_I3AFL6Z4/s320/On_the_Trails_2019-2-3.jpg" width="180" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKTbaOQSXUZNH8en1JvKP1Sm1QqNk5TZ42jaJeybA-QzLurD5M0cRRAAdIBaPw1ifTRqZEN2m3FdBt4SEczSLy_yoO8fvTx27bbPY8X67KmAU73A-Pv7Z0qYJU49BN3cJwU1ziv2gk9ok/s1600/Rhylli_Hiking_Pin_2019.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="574" data-original-width="1097" height="167" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKTbaOQSXUZNH8en1JvKP1Sm1QqNk5TZ42jaJeybA-QzLurD5M0cRRAAdIBaPw1ifTRqZEN2m3FdBt4SEczSLy_yoO8fvTx27bbPY8X67KmAU73A-Pv7Z0qYJU49BN3cJwU1ziv2gk9ok/s320/Rhylli_Hiking_Pin_2019.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOjgwgmoxpZ_nlAWBKXqs1xm7GXILn8aQphzwX32PK4pD79v5GcLsioHUE8n4gUqPdM2nW59erMINWJQnwFOQn-_qzsnn7ZILiDaWQX1fAkDdpPk3rGcgpKP9u9h7S7AP9BfsFyocV12k/s1600/Rhylli_Hiking_Pin_2019-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="592" data-original-width="1090" height="173" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOjgwgmoxpZ_nlAWBKXqs1xm7GXILn8aQphzwX32PK4pD79v5GcLsioHUE8n4gUqPdM2nW59erMINWJQnwFOQn-_qzsnn7ZILiDaWQX1fAkDdpPk3rGcgpKP9u9h7S7AP9BfsFyocV12k/s320/Rhylli_Hiking_Pin_2019-2.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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All-in-all it was a really great weekend spent with my immediate family, and Ted got some nice, "rare" photos of me and my sisters together with my dad. (Photos courtesy of Ted Dickerson)</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoFXcuhnb_cKk57V3EWN6Kz5AH_q_oQvlcZUHrhEeWUqOl3-tTwl-GMTqvlU55FCj4CTWC1u2S89QsmqEVoxIDTi8XpZCdt6Fb4mHQhos6nnprepJ628dEm6yhWRnE13pL7oft6_VbAiM/s1600/Sisters_Dad_2019-2-3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="733" data-original-width="1600" height="146" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoFXcuhnb_cKk57V3EWN6Kz5AH_q_oQvlcZUHrhEeWUqOl3-tTwl-GMTqvlU55FCj4CTWC1u2S89QsmqEVoxIDTi8XpZCdt6Fb4mHQhos6nnprepJ628dEm6yhWRnE13pL7oft6_VbAiM/s320/Sisters_Dad_2019-2-3.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: rgba(0 , 0 , 0 , 0.9); font-size: 16px;"> "Working at Lowe's part-time in the flooring department."</span></blockquote>
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Yep! Still doing that. Have made many improvements, such as creating a new system for organizing trim top-stock, as well as making sure carpet samples are labeled with their respective item numbers, as well as keeping inventory "maps" updated on a more-or-less regular basis. (Of late, as I have not had as many hours in that department specifically, it's been "less".)<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhql8UB4WBeEXmKbvsNlpBDwkkPn5mlx9BeoSeh4F7uUW1eTjXzF7hyphenhyphenIZm-4iy1CpijJi3ClfMW-gd8IjGytqT1Wc8TqrrN37A89alX_pLHa1C4oT04iRoa_3_REW7KgqX7mw96Qg_pAcw/s1600/IMG_5699.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhql8UB4WBeEXmKbvsNlpBDwkkPn5mlx9BeoSeh4F7uUW1eTjXzF7hyphenhyphenIZm-4iy1CpijJi3ClfMW-gd8IjGytqT1Wc8TqrrN37A89alX_pLHa1C4oT04iRoa_3_REW7KgqX7mw96Qg_pAcw/s320/IMG_5699.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">BEFORE</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">AFTER</td></tr>
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Either way, it's all about creating as much efficiency as possible, so the specialists have enough time to use the "new" sales system that was "supposed" to free up more of their time and energy to engage with customers. Not so sure that's happening as planned! We'll see what's ahead with a new CEO in place...At least we have more functional hand-held phones/scanners to work with now!<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: rgba(0 , 0 , 0 , 0.9); font-size: 16px;">"Meeting regularly with friends (many of them professors/instructors at Campbellsville University) for weekly breakfast meetings, monthly book club meetings, weekly walks on Saturday mornings, monthly panel discussions, etc."</span></blockquote>
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I have managed to keep up with my Book Club meetings, and the rare meeting or phone call with a close friend, but I'm sad to say, I have not been able to keep this going in my life as much as I would like. It's not just me, though, all of my close friends here and "abroad" lead very busy lives as well. I am truly grateful for all of them though, and I thoroughly enjoy the times we do get to spend together.<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: rgba(0 , 0 , 0 , 0.9); font-size: 16px;">"...as well as continuing to volunteer for the Friends of Green River Lake."</span></div>
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<i><b>This Year</b></i>...I've got extra duties as President of the Friends of Green River Lake as we support the Corps in putting on probably one of the Biggest Events the park has ever done: The 50th Anniversary Celebration of Green River Lake, June 15th, 2019. Prior to that we will also be holding a "Dinner on the Dam" on June 8th, 2019.</div>
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These events involve multiple committees, lots of logisitical planning, publicity and fundraising, hiring vendors, crafters, entertainment and educational participants. I'm taking the lead to oversee <i>all of it</i>! So I'm glad I've been, literally, "doing my homework," reading books like, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/dp/1250183863/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_U_OSQGCbNP9N3TM" target="_blank"><i>Extreme Ownership</i>...</a> and <a href="https://www.amazon.com/dp/1250195772/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_U_fUQGCb0FHJQZB" target="_blank"><i>The Dichotomy of Leadership</i>...</a> by Jocko Willink and Leif Babin! With two large group meetings already on the books, I feel confident we can make this event a success!</div>
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And...right after the main event on June 15th...I'm off to my old stomping grounds of <a href="https://www.cookeville-tn.gov/" target="_blank">Cookeville, Tennessee</a>, for the <a href="http://nss2019.subworks.com/" target="_blank">National Speleological Society Convention 2019</a>. I hope to link-up with some of these guys, and many more. (Photos courtesy Frank Bogle)</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1_L3yJA0hMj3eIxJtchRGZ3rudX9eptjWipUKuhx61nlnX7RsPIH1Qgve3oBpvfThcbIb4_VYd-EAznP7HgkdiDBdutqztXomTD1k2oPH1I2NCR1m9MQM3Gvwp9SyNd30PKDW-eH4_W8/s1600/TTU_CREW.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="625" data-original-width="960" height="208" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1_L3yJA0hMj3eIxJtchRGZ3rudX9eptjWipUKuhx61nlnX7RsPIH1Qgve3oBpvfThcbIb4_VYd-EAznP7HgkdiDBdutqztXomTD1k2oPH1I2NCR1m9MQM3Gvwp9SyNd30PKDW-eH4_W8/s320/TTU_CREW.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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The last time we all got together was about mid-way through "Stage I" of my cross-country journey, "Pedaling for Peace", in 2012. (You can read more about that <a href="http://theblueturtleblog.blogspot.com/2012/06/tennessee-excursion.html" target="_blank">here</a> and <a href="http://theblueturtleblog.blogspot.com/2012/06/tennessee-excursion-part-ii.html" target="_blank">here</a>.)</div>
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I expect equally good times to come during the week of the NSS Convention! (And I may even have some "cave themed" fabric from Spoonflower by then as well...We'll see!?)</div>
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"<span style="background-color: white; color: rgba(0 , 0 , 0 , 0.9); font-size: 16px;">Broadening my influence as a 'medium-sized fish' in this relatively 'small pond' of Campbellsville, KY. (There's some background to understanding the import of that, which may show up in another blog post one of these days!)"</span></blockquote>
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Okay...So I never got to that hinted-at blog post. Eh! Doesn't really matter!<br />
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Otherwise, I think my leadership of the 50th Anniversary Event is going to be a real test. And, if all goes well, it will probably influence the confidence others have in my abilities as well as the confidence I have in myself! Keep in mind, it's all<i> volunteer</i> work, but sometimes, that's where we have even more opportunities to grow and discover our true capabilities!<br />
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So that's how the past year has gone and how I'm continuing to "embrace my multipotentiality" in 2019! It gets to be pretty intense sometimes, especially since, in reality, I'm not that good at keeping myself organized, or managing my time, or staying focused, but somehow I manage to find the time to do <i>everything</i> I'm doing (although I do sometimes run late on one thing or another, and/or <i>bury the wrong cat</i>!). Take today, for instance, I thought I'd spend it sewing basket liners and yet here I am writing this blog post instead! I have to keep reminding myself that <i>I am choosing</i> this life and<i> all</i> these activities to give my energy and attention to. It doesn't make it any easier, but it does keep me from feeling sorry for myself when things get tougher than usual!<br />
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And, of course, I continue to <i><b>dream</b></i> of being better organized, managing my time better, and staying focused. And I take small steps here and there towards those goals. So, maybe, someday, I will get "there", but, in the mean time, I'm not going to let my weaknesses stop me from persevering and being productive in <i>all</i> these areas of my life, one way or another!<br />
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As it has been said, "Where there's a will, there's a way!"<br />
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So far...so good!<br />
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We'll see what the rest of 2019 has to bring!?<br />
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Yours All-Ways in Love and Peace!<br />
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Lori Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17705706227685359532noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1988282393759072158.post-89086331329898477202018-03-21T08:24:00.000-04:002019-03-08T10:02:01.437-05:00Embracing My Multipotentiality for 2018<div style="background: 0px 0px rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); font-family: -apple-system, system-ui, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, "Helvetica Neue", "Fira Sans", Ubuntu, Oxygen, "Oxygen Sans", Cantarell, "Droid Sans", "Lucida Grande", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, "Hiragino Sans GB W3", "Noto Naskh Arabic", "Droid Arabic Naskh", "Geeza Pro", "Simplified Arabic", "Noto Sans Thai", Thonburi, Dokchampa, "Droid Sans Thai", "Droid Sans Fallback", ".SFNSDisplay-Regular", "Heiti SC", "Microsoft Yahei"; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
I'm into my first year fully embracing my "multipotentiality" a la Emilie Wapnick's TEDx talk, <a href="https://www.ted.com/talks/emilie_wapnick_why_some_of_us_don_t_have_one_true_calling" target="_blank">Why Some of Us Don't Have One True Calling</a>.</div>
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So that means I'm staying freely busy on multiple projects:</div>
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-Text Coding the New Testament of the Bible for communications relevant to Jonathan Haidt's "<a href="http://moralfoundations.org/" target="_blank">moral foundations</a>"; i.e. Care/Harm, Loyalty/Betrayal, Fairness/Cheating, Authority/Subversion, Sanctity/Degradation and Liberty/Oppression.</div>
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- Keeping up with my personal yoga exercising three times a week.</div>
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-Sewing monthly basket liners and preparing cookie samples and recipes for the five people/families I gave baskets to this past Christmas (with any left-over cookies going to my co-workers).</div>
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- Taking care of my cat and all the other critters in the neighborhood - birds, squirrels, chipmunks, ground hogs, raccoons, deer, etc., while also continuing to broaden my knowledge of primitive skills and wild edibles and sharing those skills whenever possible via Longhunter and other local events.</div>
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- Taking care of my aging father.</div>
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- Working at Lowe's part-time in the flooring department.</div>
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-Meeting regularly with friends (many of them professors/instructors at Campbellsville University) for weekly breakfast meetings, monthly book club meetings, weekly walks on Saturday mornings, monthly panel discussions, etc., as well as continuing to volunteer for The Friends of Green River Lake.</div>
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- Broadening my influence as a "medium-sized fish" in this relatively "small pond" of Campbellsville, KY. There's some background to understanding the import of that, which may show up in another blog post one of these days!</div>
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Without the pressure I used feel to try to focus on Only One of the above things, I seem to have freed up even more of my energy and attention to continue to do All of them! Very grateful to <a href="http://puttylike.com/" target="_blank">Emilie Wapnick</a> for bringing that paradigm shift into my consciousness! Maybe it will help some other "multipotentialites" out there, too, so...spread the word!</div>
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HAPPY SPRING Everyone!</div>
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Here's to Great Year ahead!</div>
Lori Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17705706227685359532noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1988282393759072158.post-56417490732832354622018-02-01T09:19:00.000-05:002018-02-01T09:19:46.372-05:00Understanding the 4 Major Archetypes for Men and WomenHappy to say...<a href="https://www.elephantjournal.com/2018/01/understanding-the-4-major-archetypes-for-men-woman/" target="_blank">this article</a> got published outside of my own blogging here! My very first! Thinking...there will probably be more, but, for now, you can take a little walk over to <a href="https://www.elephantjournal.com/2018/01/understanding-the-4-major-archetypes-for-men-woman/" target="_blank">Elephant Journal</a> to read my latest post!<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4aimurDrKjD62v1MrLDpp6SemVdfpSmoG12ZMbSSuHuzWQwPpnQZ0phb25Tb4nqodWzwiXDZ4OV9-JLf8oxQVaQHe7_i0Pxm3DOPKl6xiFu0QJJC0tB74XEHSnhrnLCdCOY2-IaSXjtg/s1600/Companion_Woman_3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="544" data-original-width="800" height="217" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4aimurDrKjD62v1MrLDpp6SemVdfpSmoG12ZMbSSuHuzWQwPpnQZ0phb25Tb4nqodWzwiXDZ4OV9-JLf8oxQVaQHe7_i0Pxm3DOPKl6xiFu0QJJC0tB74XEHSnhrnLCdCOY2-IaSXjtg/s320/Companion_Woman_3.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
Lori Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17705706227685359532noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1988282393759072158.post-68808352626731297822017-07-25T16:41:00.002-04:002018-10-09T20:42:15.742-04:00Which comes first? The Belief or the Behavior?I found <a href="https://evolution-institute.org/article/here-he-goes-again-sam-harriss-falsehoods/">this article</a> recently as I searched for info about any interaction between <a href="http://samharris.org/" target="_blank">Sam Harris</a> and <a href="http://patriciachurchland.com/">Patricia Churchland</a>.<br />
<br />
Author Scott Atran writes: “[C]ore religious beliefs do not have fixed propositional content,” and “People make religious belief – whether Islam, Christianity, Judaism, Buddhism, and so forth – compatible with violence or non-violence according to how they interpret their religious beliefs,” and “That there is a cruel and repugnantly violent contemporary current in Islam, there is no doubt. Factions of the Christian identity movement, the Tamil Tiger interpretation of Hinduism as necessitating suicide attacks against Buddhist enemies, Imperial Japan’s interpretation of Zen Buddhism as a call to a war of extermination against the Chinese, all have produced cruel and barbarous behavior that has adversely affected millions of people. But Harris’s take on such matters is so scientifically uninformed and mendacious as to be a menace to those who seek a practical and reasoned way out of the morass of obscurantism.”<br />
<br />
All of this got me thinking…<br />
<br />
What if Atran is right, and at some level, people really don’t believe what they say they believe, but they will use passages from various religious texts to simply justify, to themselves and others, actions that they really want to take anyway, for who knows how many <i>other</i> reasons?<br />
<br />
This falls in line more with <a href="http://a.co/bZzyjXI">Jonathan Haidt’s ideas</a> about the rational mind being the “rider/press secretary” for the “elephant” that represents the rest of the mind and emotion-driven limbic brain, etc. (Something I forgot to mention in my <a href="http://thebluemoonturtleblog.blogspot.com/2017/07/towards-better-understanding-of-moral.html" target="_blank">previous post</a>.) In this example, the press secretary quotes religious texts to make its elephant look good, but the elephant is going to do, or head in the direction of doing, whatever it really <i>wants</i> to do, and the rider/press-secretary just looks for ways to justify the elephant’s behavior after the fact, or after the direction has already been determined. In addition, as I have concluded for a long time now, people tend to believe what they <i>want</i> to believe, even about the fact of their believing in the first place, i.e. "I want to believe that my believing 'x' is good, and that I am good, and even better than others for believing 'x'."<br />
<br />
In the case of Islam, it’s unfortunate that the Qur’an and Hadith contain the violence justifying and encouraging passages that they do, because it allows some Muslims with extreme, violent personalities, to justify their own behavior more easily than if they lived in a culture whose religious texts contained fewer if any such easily adoptable passages!<br />
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In other words, these are "beliefs of convenience" (my term) - they just happen to support certain already ingrained mindsets and behaviors of the people who claim them.<br />
<br />
And sure, there's a cultural feedback loop at work here. If you're raised in a violent culture, you are more likely to become violent yourself. If you are raised with physical abuse as a form of "discipline", you are more likely to be <a href="https://www.indy100.com/article/spanking-children-child-abuse-discipline-corporal-punishment-smacking-abuse-7835816">violent as an adult</a>. Doesn't matter if you're Christian or Muslim in this case, except maybe by degree. Most Christians are less violent than many Muslims in part because they do not have as many religious texts that encourage violence that they can use to justify violent behaviors.<br />
<br />
So, probably what is more important to recognize and understand apart from belief is what leads people, i.e. their "elephants" to develop violent personalities and inclinations towards violent behavior in the first place.<br />
<br />
In addition to Jonathan Haidt, Marshall Rosenberg's work on <a href="http://a.co/cFIM1GS">Non-violent Communication</a> and <a href="http://a.co/5X55gGX" target="_blank">Compassionate Parenting</a> has a lot to offer to such a discussion, as does Lloyd deMause and his work on <a href="http://psychohistory.com/books/the-origins-of-war-in-child-abuse/" target="_blank"> The Origins of War in Child Abuse.</a>Lori Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17705706227685359532noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1988282393759072158.post-34927462220571489382017-07-19T15:44:00.000-04:002017-07-20T11:40:54.359-04:00Towards a Better Understanding of Moral Foundations and the Need for Peace LiteracySo here we are, several months into the Trump Presidency. Oh, and in case you didn't realize it, my <a href="http://thebluemoonturtleblog.blogspot.com/2016/10/the-four-year-old.html" target="_blank">last post</a> was about him! That's right, I've been aware of emotional/psychological "arrested development" in adults for almost 25 years now! Most of it is caused by childhood trauma; i.e. <a href="https://www.indy100.com/article/spanking-children-child-abuse-discipline-corporal-punishment-smacking-abuse-7835816" target="_blank">bad parenting</a>...but then, that has a multiplying effect generation after generation, so it is no wonder so many people are struggling with ordinary "adult" life, even in this highly technologically advanced society. As Paul K. Chappell points out in his forthcoming book,<i> <a href="http://a.co/4Oo0UaX" target="_blank">Soldiers of Peace: How to Wield the Weapon of Nonviolence with Maximum Force</a></i> - in spite of all of our advancements in technology, we are "preliterate in peace". In other words we aren't all that good at simply knowing how to get along with one another!<br />
<br />
I recently encountered someone with whom I shared a great deal in common...except for "beliefs about God (and Jesus)." I walked away from that encounter convinced that he was more interested in how I <i>believed</i> than how I <i>loved</i>, just as I was more interested in how he <i>loved</i> than how he <i>believed. </i>In spite of everything else that we <i>could have</i> shared, mismatching on this point caused him to decide to end the relationship before it really even got started. It saddened me and left me feeling a bit "mad", as in "crazed" by this crazy maddening world that left us unable to relate with one another more functionally. He said he believed that "everything happens for a reason". If he had met me 15 years ago, I would have agreed with him. Now, I think things happen, and we try to glean some greater meaning from those experiences, especially when they are particularly <a href="http://a.co/3BheSeN" target="_blank"><i>"Dynamic</i>"</a> or traumatic. This encounter was both for me, and I'm trying now to channel my response into more productive writing, as I will admit, I've gotten a bit complacent living here in the heart of the "Heartland" in Campbellsville, KY!<br />
<br />
Nevertheless, I have continued to "study" and one of my recent "text books" was Jonathan Haidt's <a href="http://a.co/fDPQma2" target="_blank"><i>The Righteous Mind: Why Good People are Divided by Religion and Politics</i>. </a>Wow! What a <i>tour de force</i> in presenting his research on "moral foundations" in a clear and concise way! I appreciated the content as well as the structure of its presentation. Definitely one of my new favorite books!<br />
<br />
As summarized <a href="http://moralfoundations.org/" target="_blank">here,</a> Haidt describes five "moral foundations" for which there is strong evidence: <b>Care/Harm, Fairness/Cheating, Loyalty/Betrayal, Authority/Subversion, and Sanctity/Degradation</b>; and one for which the evidence is not quite as strong, but still important to consider, <b>Liberty/Oppression</b>. The moral foundations are things most people can grasp intuitively, or at a "gut" level, what he refers to as "intuitive ethics". However, through culture we learn to give more emphasis to some of the foundations rather than others, or to express them through specific, sometimes very elaborate behaviors and rituals. That's where things start to get messy and conflicts arise: not from conflict over the foundations themselves, but through conflict over their interpretation and behavioral expressions that vary considerably across nations, cultures, religions, and political parties. What Haidt seems to call for in his writing is a deeper recognition of our moral foundations, what we actually share in common, and less emphasis or distraction by all of the different ways humans can embody and express those foundations.<br />
<br />
Also, as I have seen for myself, almost every one of our "intractable" social issues arises from an unresolved conflict between moral foundations. For instance, the abortion issue pits "care" for the unborn against the "liberty" of a women to have control over her own body. State sponsored "welfare" is about "care" for those in need, but again, it is in conflict with the "liberty" of taxpayers to control their own resources, or to freely choose to support other charitable organizations rather than have their money taken from them and used through the government bureaucracy. (Keep in mind, this applies to those who are against "corporate welfare" and "bailouts" as well!) There seems to be a general pattern of thinking that goes: "I want my individual <i>liberty</i> (to do whatever I want), and if I make poor choices, I (also) want the government to be there to <i>take care of</i> me (even if I have no respect for the government and its authority)." <br />
<br />
The above statement reflects what I have referred to <a href="http://theblueturtleblog.blogspot.com/2016/10/you-get-what-you-play-for-2016.html" target="_blank">here</a> as an "Individual Biological Moral Code". Haidt also points out that the U.S. represents more of an "individualistic" society, where it is believed that "society is there to serve the individual", while at the other end of the spectrum, China adheres to a more "collectivist" view where the "individual is there to serve society". As I recently discussed with Paul K. Chappell, I wonder if either of these cultures would be able to continue as they are if it were not for their interactions with one another? Our individualism is great for generating new ideas, new technologies, etc., but not all that great for finding people willing to do the rather monotonous work of reproducing them. The Chinese are not known for innovation, but they do just fine reproducing products <i>designed in the U.S, </i>something I can speak to very directly given my many years experience working in the production-line sewing industry! <br />
<br />
Finally, Haidt suggests that we are "90% chimp and 10% bee". In many, many regards our behavior is similar to that of lower primates. We form bonds with certain members of our society and not with others. We form hierarchies. We will care for our own infants as well as infants belonging to other members of our family group (as necessary), but may even kill the infants of non-related members or of rival groups. We can be faithful or unfaithful to our sexual partners.<br />
<br />
In addition, however, we also have an enormous capacity to cooperate with a much larger group of otherwise total strangers in order to share a common experience (like a rock concert) or achieve a common goal (like winning an election). That's the "10% bee" part. Furthermore, as Yuval Noah Harari explains in his book, <i><a href="http://a.co/i50eTg9" target="_blank">Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind</a>,</i> it seems one of our greatest talents as humans is to <i>tell stories </i>(like those expressed by all religions concerning the nature of "God" and/or the Universe) as a framework for moral behavior, which can be applied to a much, much, larger group of otherwise unrelated individuals.<br />
<br />
Which brings me to one of the points of Haidt's book that really stuck with me: Moral development, learning how to function well and peacefully in a society with other human beings, depends on one's association with a <i>smaller group</i> or "moral community" in which one can be <i><b>held accountable</b></i> for one's actions. There has to be some kind of <i>feedback</i> system that allows for "course correction". If you do not grow up in such a community, if you do not feel at least some concern for the good opinion of others, or at least, feel some sense of dependency on others for your overall survival and well-being, then you can behave however you want, without any real moral development taking place, even throughout the course of your entire lifetime!<br />
<br />
Furthermore, if you are inclined to think highly of yourself for being one member of the "global community of humankind" without any real connection to a smaller community, one to which you feel more directly accountable, then, again, you can actually live your life as an otherwise immoral person, with no one to stop you, unless your immorality leads you to break laws for which you can be removed from the larger society through incarceration.<br />
<br />
This brings me to one final, more recent observation: There are many minority groups in our society whose individual members take great pride in being part of those groups based on their race or gender preference. What is more obvious with race, but maybe less so for some with respect to gender preference, is that both of these characteristics are an expression of a person's <i>biology, over which they have little or no control.</i> No one <i>consciously chooses</i> to be "Black" or "White," "Asian" or "Hispanic," etc. I have yet to meet a homosexual who claims they are <i>choosing </i>to be homosexual any more than someone else <i>chooses</i> to be heterosexual. And even with religion, at least until fairly recently, a person would be hard-pressed to find others who did not agree with or follow the religion of their birth. Granted, there are opportunities to "choose" to "believe in Christ and accept Him as your Lord and Savior" within various Christian communities, for instance, but if you don't, you may also face shunning or excommunication. At the very least, as long as you continue to be a part of that community, you will also continue to feel the pressure to choose as those in your family/religious community have chosen before you.<br />
<br />
So, to a great degree, with regards to race, religion, gender preference, physical disability, etc., no one is <i>actively choosing</i> these identifiable characteristics. However, if there is anything truly unique in the animal kingdom with respect to human beings, it is our capacity for choice with regards to <i>how we behave in our relationships with other human beings, in our relationships with non-humans, and in our relationship with this planet we live on.</i> In his book, <a href="https://paulkchappell.com/books/" target="_blank"><i>Peaceful Revolution: How We Can Create the Future Needed for Humanity's Survival</i></a>, Paul K. Chappell describes several "muscles" that all human beings can learn to strengthen including the "muscles" of <b>hope, empathy, appreciation, conscience, reason, discipline, and curiosity</b>. These are aspects of our shared humanity that (apart from some forms of mental handicap) we <i>can choose</i> to exercise, no matter what the superficial dictates of our biological, religious, or cultural heritage.<br />
<br />
Therefore, rather than focusing so much on the things we <i>can't control</i>, like
what race or culture we were born into, or how our brains were wired
during development to affect our gender preference/identification, or
how intelligent we are, it seems we would be far better off focusing on those human qualities or capacities that we <i>can control,</i> and measuring ourselves, and holding each other accountable, according to how we <i>exercise or demonstrate those capacities</i>. In addition, rather than merely identifying as another member of "the whole of humanity", or even some other broadly recognized majority, minority, secular, religious, or political group, we need to come to embrace and appreciate the importance and power of smaller groups and communities to shape individual and collective moral behavior, to allow ourselves to be held accountable, ideally, for our capacity to exercise our truly human "muscles" of <b>hope, empathy, appreciation, conscience, reason, discipline, and curiosity!</b><br />
<br />
Finally, to begin to bridge the seeming gaps between secular and religious beliefs as well as political ideologies, we need to give more direct consideration to the underlying moral foundations of <b>Care/Harm, Fairness/Cheating, Loyalty/Betrayal, Authority/Subversion, Sanctity/Degradation, and Liberty/Oppression </b>rather than seeing only the surface expressions that vary so widely from culture to culture, religion to religion, and between political parties. <b> </b><br />
<br />
We must realize we all hold individual responsibility to be Moral Actors and to mature as Moral Actors through the course of our lives and to be held accountable by the smaller communities we either grow-up in or consciously choose. No matter how technologically advanced we become, our long-term success as a species and our individual and collective well-being in the here and now depend on our learning to live together more peacefully.<br />
<br />
In <i><a href="http://a.co/cPqPD3Z" target="_blank">Soldiers of Peace...</a>, </i>Paul K. Chappell explains that the majority of human beings were once illiterate with respect to reading and writing. At a certain point in human society we realized that learning to read and write was critical for our survival. Now we have reached another critical point in human society where we are mostly "illiterate in peace", and our survival depends on our becoming "peace literate". I look forward to continuing to take part in and contribute to that ongoing education effort!<br />
<br />
Sincerely and Respectfully Yours, In Peace...<br />
<br />
<br />Lori Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17705706227685359532noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1988282393759072158.post-10828743029577226282016-10-13T13:53:00.000-04:002016-10-13T13:53:28.539-04:00The Four Year OldThis reference goes way, way, back in my personal history. For various reasons, which should become obvious fairly quickly, I have decided to present it here. And I quote:<br />
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<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
“If at times he seems somewhat voluble, dogmatic, boastful
and bossy, it is because he is a blithe amateur swinging into fresh fields of
self-expression. For a while he scarcely can be too concerned about the
feelings of others. He is not quite as sensitive to praise [from others as when he was younger].
Instead he praises himself through bragging. Besides he is much less
experienced than his brave verbal assertiveness might suggest. He has meager
appreciation of disappointment and the personal emotions of others. He is inquisitively
interested in death, but has scant comprehension of its meaning. He is
plausible because his words often outrun his knowledge.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
“[He] is a great talker. He is his own self-appointed
commentator and often his own audience. He likes to use words, to try them out,
to play with them. He likes new, different words…. [B]right, articulate [he]
tends to run his topics to the ground, exhausting every verbal possibility…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
“The key to [his] psychology is his high drive combined with
a fluid mental organization. His imagery is almost mercurial. It moves from one
form to another with careless ease….This same fluidity makes him a<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>fabricator and a fertile producer of alibis.
It also makes it possible for him to dramatize any experience which comes
within his ken.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
“Social patterns are offset and in part defined by
anti-social conduct….His boastfulness reaches towering ego-centric heights. But
all this bravado is not as drastic as appears on the surface. [He] is feeling
his powers and trying them out…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
“Basically, [he] is more interested in socialization than in
resistance. He shows this in his great fondness for dressing up and acting like
grown-ups…He does not only don an adult hat; but he indulges in long telephone
conversations, which echo the exact inflections of the adult voice….He also
likes to make faces. This is still another method of identification with adults
and perfecting his skill in reading their facial expressions. He is reading
into, talking into and acting into the complexities of his culture.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
</blockquote>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
From: <i>Infant and Child in the Culture of Today</i>, Arnold
Gesell and Frances L. Ilg, (1943). Pp.225-228, describing “The Four Year Old”.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If only I had the video footage and the expertise to edit it! Alas, I can only imagine it in my mind's eye... Maybe someone else can make it a reality!</div>
Lori Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17705706227685359532noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1988282393759072158.post-71057744310221517642016-05-11T12:27:00.004-04:002017-07-19T09:37:18.517-04:00On Parenting and Leadership I recently finished reading this book:<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="550" src="https://read.amazon.com/kp/card?asin=B00VE4Y0Z2&preview=inline&linkCode=kpe&ref_=cm_sw_r_kb_dp_q60mxb18VC6N2" style="max-width: 100%;" type="text/html" width="336"></iframe><br />
<br />
It really got me thinking about a lot of things. For instance, how might Life be seen as a "Battlefield", and what exactly is it we are all fighting over? How might the world be different, if parents saw themselves as Leaders of their children, and oriented their family life around a clear Mission Statement? The book contends that "There are no bad teams, only bad leaders." If this is true, could it also be true that "There are no bad kids, only bad parents"?<br />
<br />
As a consequence of these considerations and more, I have embarked on a journey to incorporate the principles discussed in <i>Extreme Ownership...</i> into a book that is specifically oriented towards parenting. This may mean the actual parenting of children, or, if someone doesn't have children of their own, it may be a kind of refresher for parenting or re-parenting themselves. I hope to include information from two other Udemy courses I've taken, with instructor Gregory Caremans, <a href="https://www.udemy.com/neuroscience-and-parenting/">"Neuroscience for Parents: How to Raise Amazing Kids"</a>, and <a href="https://www.udemy.com/neuromanagement/">"The Science of Leadership"</a>. Both of these courses draw on the application of the Neurocognitive Behavioral Approach or NBA, originally established in France as<i> l'approache Neurocognitive et Comportementale </i>by Dr. Jacques Fradin. You can get a very brief summary of NBA principles from the free course <a href="https://www.udemy.com/meet-your-brain/">"Meet Your Brain: A Short Introduction to Neuroscience"</a>.<br />
<br />
Now people who already know me may be wondering: "Lori...You don't have children of your own. What makes you think you can write a book about parenting?"<br />
<br />
Truth is...I've been thinking the same thing for many, many years now. But something in <i>Extreme Ownership...</i> changed my perspective on all of that, in part because the authors discuss that very feature of being a good leader; i.e. having a broader perspective. They write:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
As a leader, if you are down in the weeds planning the details with your guys, you will have the same perspective as them, which adds little value. But if you let them plan the details, it allows them to own their piece of the plan. And it allows you to stand back and see everything with a different perspective, which adds tremendous value. You can see the plan from a greater distance, a higher altitude, and you will see more. As a result, you will catch mistakes and discover aspects of the plan that need to be tightened up, which enables you to look like a tactical genius, just because you have a broader view. (Page 214)</blockquote>
</blockquote>
I've always sensed that I had the life experience, the education, and the capacity for this "broader view" even without having had children of my own. Furthermore, I am very cognizant of what I experienced as a child growing up with my mother, father, and siblings, and how those experiences shaped my life for better and worse. I know the challenges I have had to face that were made that much more difficult by not having had more functional and effective parenting. Honestly, I feel I've been playing "catch-up" all of my life because the first 20+ years did not really count for much, especially with respect to training and disciplining my pre-frontal brain during that critical period from infancy to 24 years of age.<br />
<br />
And that last part is why parenting is So Critical in every person's life. It is difficult if not impossible to reach our full potential as human beings, with a capacity for emotional self-regulation, perspective taking (empathy), creative problem solving, etc., all results of mature pre-frontal brain functioning, without the adults around us<i> guiding</i> our pre-frontal brains through the developmental process. <b>It Will Not Get There On Its Own!</b><br />
<br />
While I've been more on my own, other people have been "in the trenches," struggling to raise their children. I suspect many of them have never read a book on parenting or childhood development because they just didn't have time to while working and raising their kids, and dealing with all of the other distractions that are part of modern life. I suspect few have had or thought to take the time to step back and try to get a broader perspective.<br />
<br />
In contrast, my whole life I've felt more like I was on the outside looking in. I did not get married early and have children. As a consequence, I've had more time to read, to go to college, to continue reading, and taking on-line courses, etc., much of which has been focused on childhood development, leadership, and neuroscience. And now I see where all of that can be focused to help "the troops" by providing a broader perspective that might help motivate and guide them to carry out their "mission" as parents more responsibly and effectively.<br />
<br />
Now all I have to do to "lead" that effort is to put together a "plan," rally my "teammates" and take what discipline I have managed to acquire post 24 years of age, and follow-through. It's exciting and daunting at the same time, but I feel better now about my <a href="http://thebluemoonturtleblog.blogspot.com/2015/05/whats-in-your-back-pack.html">"resource base"</a> than I have in a long, long time.<br />
<br />
So now, in the words of Jocko Willink and Leif Babin, I simply have to "Get After It!"<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
* * * * * </div>
<br />
Update: July 2017 - Stayed motivated for a while on this subject and then redirected. Got off on a bit of a tangent considering "God" as a leader, trying to get some feedback from religious leaders I know on "Commander's Intent" and no one got back to me on that with any kind of real answers! (Which is something to think about in and of itself!) Anyway, still an option for future writing. Will add, however, Jocko Willink has a new book out now <a href="http://a.co/2EJnVYg" target="_blank">The Way of the Warrior Kid: From Wimpy to Warrior the Navy SEAL Way</a> which I have read and thoroughly enjoyed. I wish that I had had an "Uncle Jake" in my life when I was growing up. I might have more discipline around my writing now if I had! Will just have to continue to "muddle through" as best I can! Either way, in effect, it is a kind of "parenting" book, and I hope more adults read it, especially if they still need to do a little better parenting of their "inner child"...as well as their own children.Lori Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17705706227685359532noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1988282393759072158.post-87581968339518720862016-03-07T15:04:00.001-05:002018-10-18T08:36:34.448-04:00"Married at First Sight" on A&E - Observations and Insights<div>
<b>Basic Format of the Show: Married at First Sight on A&E</b></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
Four professional therapists/relationship counsellors thoroughly interview hopeful participants and match three couples for each series based on multiple areas of presumed compatibility. Each man and woman meet for the very first time on their wedding day, being introduced by the presiding official as the bride reaches the alter where her husband-to-be is waiting for her. Although they may be able to hesitate for a moment or two, being surrounded by family and friends, not to mention a documentary film crew, and having signed a contract with the producers in good faith, the couples proceed to commit themselves to this "social experiment" and to a legally binding union; i.e. they say their "I do's" and get Married at First Sight! Following that they go on a honeymoon for one week and live together for five more weeks. At the end of this period, they have an opportunity to decide if they will stay married or get a divorce.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Needless to say, it makes for good drama! Besides initial interview snippets, we also get to follow the men and women for about a week or so as they prepare for their wedding days. We watch as they discuss their decisions with family and friends, addressing their questions and concerns. When the big day comes, it's not uncommon to see A Lot of anxiety, second guessing, and questions of "What am I getting myself into?"</div>
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Nevertheless, motivated by the promise of a loving marriage, putting their faith in the vetting process they've endured with the therapists, (and who knows what other "carrots" and/or "sticks" the producers might have in the contracts), we watch as the men stand patiently at the front of the room, and their bride walks through the door, looking about as beautiful as any woman could given the special care of their hair, make-up, and, of course, the always stunning wedding gown! Where "first impressions" are concerned, and especially for the women, it's definitely one of the advantages of getting "Married at First Sight"!</div>
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The <span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">men are dressed in their best as well, however, that doesn't always help them as much as they might hope. Maybe "Women Go Crazy for a Sharp Dressed Man," <i>especially</i> when it's a man they're already attracted to? I don't know. All I do know, from the shows I've seen so far, is that it seems the men are inclined to be less selective, or particular about how their bride looks, but not being immediately attracted to their husband is a big stumbling block for the women.</span></div>
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Following the wedding, the couples take a week-long honeymoon and that is their first opportunity to start getting to know each other. As it tends to be for the remainder of the program, the big question is: Will they <i>consummate</i> their marriage? Will there be instant "chemistry", or will it take a little while, or will there never be any "chemistry" at all?</div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">And to help them with this fast and furious head-on collision with "real life" as husband and wife, the therapists offer their various forms of counseling: emotional, sexual, practical, and spiritual. So although it's a particularly intense process, and includes the persistent "voyeurism" of the cameras and eventually the viewing audience, these couples have resources in the therapists that few other couples ever have or think to take advantage of, certainly not from the very beginning of their relationships.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">After the six weeks are up, it's time for the couples to decide if they will stay together or get a divorce. They may have looked like a "perfect match" in the eyes of the therapists, or "on paper," but six weeks of "real life" interaction may have revealed many things the therapists could never have foreseen. And even with the best matches, six weeks is still a fairly short time to build a foundation of trust with another human being. Consequently, old anxieties, feelings of mistrust and self-doubt often come bubbling back to the surface, making that final decision a difficult one. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">Nevertheless, once the decision is made, it will be six more months before we'll see the couples again in the follow-up episode. In the interim, I'm assuming they can continue to receive counseling support as necessary from the therapists. In addition, they will have had the opportunity to watch the program themselves and interact with audience members via social media.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><b>My Observations of "Typical" Relationships vs. the "Arranged" Marriages of "Married at First Sight"</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">First of all, I give the producers, therapists, and couples credit for daring to conduct this "social experiment" at all. I think there is much for the individuals and couples to learn from the process, and the viewing audience as well. Though it is seen as rather archaic in a modern, western society, "matchmaking" used to be considered a valuable and sought after skill. With the advance of services like "e-Harmony" as well as "Reality TV", I guess it was just a matter of time for a program like "Married at First Sight" to emerge.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">So what's the biggest difference between meeting a potentially compatible partner at the alter and meeting one at work, or a bar, or some other social function? I'll answer that in one word: "Chemistry". And I'll emphasize this by writing it again without the quotes: Chemistry.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">What I mean is that the body chemistry of the people Marrying at First Sight is going to be very different from people who, say, "fall in love at first sight" (and, yes, there are the quotes again). In fact, it seems this lack of immediately felt "chemistry" ends up being a big sticking point for many of the couples. Furthermore, from what I've observed, it is usually the women who struggle with that the most, at least at first.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">Let's be honest. For most modern couples, "chemistry" is what draws them together in the first place. I'm using quotes again because this kind of "chemistry" is not easy to define, or succumbs to definition only on an individual basis. We might also use words like "fascination," or "sexual magnetism" and they'd all mean about the same thing. (I'd even throw in the concept of "Dynamic Quality", but that's for another discussion.)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">What I will offer is this: From my current point of view, all of that kind of "chemistry" - is the limbic brain signaling "Optimal GENETIC Compatibility" - And Not Much Else! When it comes to reproducing the species, the limbic brain doesn't really care how much money he or she makes, whether they're Christian or Muslim or Atheist, Republican or Democrat, Big House or Tiny House, cat or dog lover. Without much consciousness on your part, the limbic brain recognizes a lot about Genetic Compatibility from things like a person's facial features and pheremones. The signalling can be instantaneous and powerful, and if reproducing the species is All you Consciously care about, then you'll be fine following the limbic brain's lead. However, if you actually want to share a Mutually Satisfying Life with your partner - you might just want to take a few of those other things (and a lot more) into consideration.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">And that is where the therapists of "Married at First Sight" come into the picture. From my point of view, they use their interview and analysis tools to effectively bypass or short-circuit the species-reproduction-only focus of the limbic brain. They provide each individual the opportunity to interact with the other as a Complex Whole Person - with weaknesses and strengths, values and preferences, long-term hopes and dreams, which may include, but also go beyond mere biological urges to reproduce. So rather than the dramatic rush of the "falling in love" neurotransmitters - dopamine, adrenaline, and serotonin, our couples have to develop a flow of the more steady state bonding and trust-based neurotransmitters - oxytocin and vasopressin.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">Although I cannot offer research to back up my theory, I have begun to suspect that the additional "rush" and/or intensity of the "falling in love at first sight" experience comes from the presence of adrenaline - a stress related neurotransmitter, in addition to dopamine, which is most often associated with pleasure and/or the anticipation of pleasure.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">Think about it, on the one hand your limbic brain is signaling genetic compatibility, but it happens to be drawing you towards someone who is otherwise a total stranger, and as a stranger, potentially dangerous. Mixed with the dopamine of anticipated pleasure, you get adrenaline preparing you to respond to a threat. Who's to say which of these neurotransmitters will win out in the end, or in any particular case. However, it makes sense that, in order for the species to survive as a whole, the biological drive to reproduce, and the pleasure of sex would have to be stronger than a fear of being harmed. I suspect some of you who are reading this can recall a time when you chose to pursue sexual pleasure with a relative stranger, in spite of your fears and maybe lived to regret it later. In that case, you can chalk it up as a "win" for dopamine and your limbic brain!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">This is all going to be very different for couples in an arranged marriage, in part because they simply are not entering into their association with the other person based merely on "genetic compatibility </span>signaling" from the limbic brain. No dopamine. No obvious and/or immediate anticipation of pleasure, means it's actually going to be harder for them <i>stay motivated</i> to work through the challenges they will inevitably face. Nevertheless, the program has within it some other motivators, both contractural and social, and, so far anyway, those have at least helped to keep the couples on course for the initial six weeks.</div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">Maybe the therapists <i>should</i> do some form of genetic compatibility testing? (Or are they already? I have no idea). I don't know if the science is advanced enough at this time to make a selection on that basis, that would be any more accurate or "healthier" than what the limbic brain comes up with on its own. But, again, should genetic compatibility be the Most important factor to consider when choosing a Life Partner? I would say, "No." There are many, many other factors to consider more seriously if having a Life Partner is your goal, and in that case, a good "matchmaker," or a select group of psychotherapists might come in handy!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">One of the recurring themes in participant commentaries is the following: "I want to find the right person who will make me want to let down my walls, someone with whom I will feel comfortable letting go, someone who I can trust," etc., etc.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">Many, many years ago, when I was in the Navy, interacting with men who were often younger than me by 10 or 15 years (I entered the Navy at 34), I found myself counseling them as follows: "If a woman does not already know How to Be Happy (on her own), then there is nothing you will ever be able to do to Make Her Happy." I would say the same would be true for trust, vulnerability, and love.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">All too often I hear participants Relinquishing their Locus of Control. Rather than doing what I would call their "home work", the work they do on themselves, on their own, to become more self-aware, loving, vulnerable, happy, caring, emotionally communicative, etc., they are stuck waiting - waiting for that "other" person to come along who is somehow, <i>magically</i> going to inspire or provoke all of that in them.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">I have found this to be a very dysfunctional path to follow, and over and over again, it seems to be a huge contributing factor to the marriages that fail on "Married at First Sight."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">It happens with both the men and the women. Sometimes they alternate, becoming more or less vulnerable in this weird reciprocal dance. For example, as I suggested above, it is usually the women who are not that attracted to the men at first. So, they protect themselves with more of a masculine or Tom-boyish, Devil-May-Care, attitude, even to the point of rudeness, and/or emasculation of their partners. Somehow, their partners persevere through all of this, maybe repressing their hurt feelings. Then there comes a turning point for the women, where they open up, start to have "warm, fuzzy" vulnerable feelings around and about their partners, only to have their partners then erect walls, and pull away, or worse, ignore or be oblivious to those changes in their partners and the emotional implications of those changes. This response from the men only proves to the women that they were right not to be vulnerable in the first place, and they then close back up, and we're all back to where we started.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">I won't deny it. Vulnerability is tough. Developing a Rational Basis of Trust in a relationship with another human being is far more difficult, and involves far more energy investment than most people are willing to make. It's much easier to simply swing back and forth on a pendulum - being totally trusting or totally mistrusting, without any real, consciously observed, rational basis for either.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">However, there are some wonderful, and fairly recently available resources to help navigate this major challenge of relationships, for instance, the work of Brené Brown. This includes her TED talks on <a href="http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability">Vulnerability</a> and Shame, books like <i>Daring Greatly, The Gifts of Imperfection, </i>and <i>Rising Strong.</i> She also has seminar style educational programs such as "The Power of Vulnerability" offered through Udemy.com. Personally, I think every person who is a participant on "Married at First Sight" should have to take "The Power of Vulnerability" course in one form or another. Not only does she address the "middle ground" of being vulnerable, while still having boundaries with the people who cannot respect, appreciate, and honor your vulnerability; she also addresses the importance of building trust not as a "grand gesture," but as an ever-growing "marble collection."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">Finally, either each of us, as individuals, makes a deliberate choice, a Commitment to Love, or we don't. It's not about making a <i>commitment to another person</i>, to love them, or <i>waiting</i> for them to make or prove such a commitment to us before we, in turn, choose to love them. It's about making a commitment to Being a Loving Person in ALL of our relationships, period. And, for me, that means, making a commitment to learning what makes the other person Feel Loved and doing whatever those things are. I've dedicated a whole blog to this topic <a href="http://thebluemoonturtleblog.blogspot.com/2012/07/understanding-basic-human-love-needs.html">here</a>.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">Once again, from my point of view, this is one of the key stumbling blocks in the thinking of many of the participants in this program; i.e. that it is going to be The Other Person - Mr. or Ms. Right - who is going to somehow "magically" provoke them or motivate them to become a more trusting, vulnerable, loving, and/or happy person. I will offer that the key to a truly successful relationship is the capacity that each person brings to the table to already be vulnerable, to already be capable of trust, to already be capable of loving, to already be happy, because they have already done their homework, they've already "graduated" from that "course" in their life as individuals and they're ready for the new "course work" of bringing all of these capacities to bear in a long-term, intimate relationship with another person.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">That's all I have to say about that for now. The final "follow-up" episode for the current season will air tomorrow night, March 8th at 9:00 pm on A&E. I plan to be watching, although I won't be able to follow chatter on Twitter for lack of Internet access at home.<br />
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There are at least three other related topics I would like to cover in one or more future posts: 1) Better understanding the importance of masculine and feminine "polarity" in relationships (with references to the work of David Deida and possibly Louann Brizendine), 2) Understanding the special relationship challenges for introverts in an extrovert-centric world (with references to the work of Laurie Helgoe and the exploration of masculine and feminine archetypes by Tad and Noreen Guzie), and 3) Understanding the mechanism of the "Drawing of the Bow" as it relates to our feelings of withdrawal and/or depression when we are facing major life decisions. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">I can't say for sure when I'll be able to get on-line to follow up with these posts, but I will certainly follow-up as soon as I possibly can. Feel free to contact or follow me via Twitter @llbell100 (LLBELL One Hundred) or by leaving a comment on this blog. I welcome your feedback.</span></div>
#MarriedatFirstSight, #MAFS<br />
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<br />Lori Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17705706227685359532noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1988282393759072158.post-24251287966239177292015-09-21T16:50:00.000-04:002015-11-02T22:35:43.274-05:00The Battle of the BrainsAs far as "good" and "evil" are concerned, I think the Grand Play of Life Itself involves both constructive and destructive forces, which individuals may take more or less personally. I feel there is "inertia" built into the system to keep things from changing too quickly in any direction, and although it may be frustrating for people who are trying to bring about positive change, the inertia is there for a reason: too much change, too quickly, can bring chaos and a destruction of structures that may seem restrictive in some ways but are actually supportive in others.<br />
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As Robert Pirsig describes in <a href="http://amzn.com/0553299611"><i>Lila: An Inquiry into Morals</i></a> - there is this ongoing play between "static" and "Dynamic" quality - and they each seem to be the "enemy" of the other, but it is their ongoing interrelationship that is the underlying mechanism of evolution, both individual-biological and social-cultural.<br />
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I would offer that within our own brains there are components that reflect the path of our evolution - reptile (fight, flight, freeze response), paleo-limbic (herd/social brain/group positioning/dominance vs. submissiveness and trust vs. mistrust), neo-limbic, (individual identity/motivation), and pre-frontal (rational, creative, empathic), with the pre-frontal brain being the most recently and I will offer most "highly" evolved in terms of its capabilities for Dynamic interaction with the environment. The other brain structures tend to be much more "static" or "programmed"; i.e. the reptile brain develops automatically, the paleo-limbic brain is more-or-less "set" in its perception of "group positioning" fairly early in life, and the neo-limbic brain locks into its individual "identity" and emotional patterning fairly early in life as well (although it and the paleo-limbic brain do come under the influence of environment more so than the reptile brain).<br />
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However, it is the pre-frontal brain which is most influenced by and depends on the environment to develop its full potential - its potential for regulating the more (reactive) patterned responses of the reptile, paleo-limbic, and neo-limbic brains; to think rationally and logically; to solve problems creatively; and to be effective at empathy via perspective taking.<br />
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My theory is that the internal battles that people often fight with themselves in their own heads (as well as projecting those battles into the outer world), stem from the "inertia" of the lower brains that do not want to allow "the new kid on the block," i.e. the pre-frontal brain, to be in charge of behavior. Since the pre-frontal brain is not of much help until it has a chance to develop (between infancy and 24 years of age), the other brains actually do "run the show" early on, and it kind of makes sense that they would not want to release control to the pre-frontal brain without some resistance.<br />
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Nevertheless, it is the pre-frontal brain that has evolved to help us live more effectively in social groups, even very large social groups, via its capacity for empathy/perspective taking (allowing for compassion), rational thought (to more accurately understand cause and effect relationships among other things), emotional self-regulation (i.e. regulation of the patterned responses of the neo-limbic, paleo-limbic, and reptile brains), and creative problem solving.<br />
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From my current point of view, the limbic and reptile brains express more of our "egoic" or "self-centered" personalities, concerned much more with individual "self"-survival than with survival of the larger community, while the pre-frontal brain is our "higher power," because it has the capacity to "see the big picture/society as a whole", to understand and integrate multiple points of view, and to respond creatively to novel situations. However, again, it will not develop these capacities to their full extent unless it is trained to do so via the environment - parental, educational, cultural, etc. (And, as mentioned above, there is a limited window for this development to take place; i.e. between infancy and about 24 years of age.) Furthermore, the pre-frontal brain will always be at least a little at odds with the other brains; there will always be some "ego" to deal with, some tendencies towards selfishness, tendencies towards fear, etc. You can't ever really transcend the "ego", because you can't "get rid of" the lower parts of the brain.<br />
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All of those parts of the brain are what helped to get human beings to where they are now, along with the higher functions of the pre-frontal brain. It may be difficult sometimes to live with them, but we also can't live without them.<br />
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Consequently, if people feel threatened, the fear response is coming from the reptile and limbic brains. Actively "transcending" that fear is the work of the pre-frontal brain. Looking rationally at cause and effect relationships is the work of the pre-frontal brain. Being able to empathize with another's point of view, even an "enemy's" point of view, is the work of the pre-frontal brain. Being able to stay calm in the midst of external stressors, is the work of the pre-frontal brain.<br />
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However, one of the things you don't necessarily get from the pre-frontal brain is "high"; i.e. feelings of ecstasy. Instead, you get kind of mellow, peaceful, content emotions. In that sense, it may seem rather dull, compared to what the limbic brain can generate when it is inclined to do so - especially in circumstances of "romantic love" - which has more to do with an unconscious response to subliminal signaling of genetic compatibility than it does with just about anything else! (Which is unfortunate, because genetic compatibility can only go so far when it comes to people being compatible with one another in all the other areas of human life we now engage as members of this increasingly complex social system.) But that's a whole different matter...!<br />
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To summarize, from my current point of view, the lower limbic and reptile brains are a source of "inertia" for human beings; i.e. they develop very patterned/programmed ways of responding to the world fairly early in human development. The pre-frontal brain is actually capable of "transcending" all of that With Practice - whether the discipline is religious or secular, practices that focus on emotional self-regulation develop the pre-frontal brain's capacity to do just that; i.e. self-regulate. Practices that focus on empathy (perspective taking) and compassion, also engage the pre-frontal brain. Just "getting high" on "romantic love" or "spiritual ecstasy" (through whatever mechanism, including the drug-induced kind) - is not a product of the pre-frontal brain. Instead, that's only produced by and reinforcing of the rather self-serving nature of the lower limbic brain(s).<br />
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Our world is in all too many ways a projection of these ongoing battles within our own heads. The conflicts, the battles we see "out there", reflect something of the same conflicts and struggles human beings experience within there own minds (brains) and bodies. Many people will seek "spiritual bliss," thinking it is "the highest expression of their nature," when actually, being calm, cool, collected, rational, and (truly, consciously, intentionally) empathetic and compassionate towards others is the "highest" expression of our human nature.<br />
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If someone speaks of "raising their consciousness to a 'higher vibration'" I might substitute, "in their higher (pre-frontal) brain", where, absolutely, they could look at the negatives in the world and come up with creative solutions for "healing" them. They could empathize more deeply and see more clearly from multiple perspectives in order to resolve conflicts more effectively. Nevertheless, all of that would definitely not be about being "blissed out" all of the time, and thinking that is somehow "magically" going to "Change the World." There's a lot more Work involved than that, and that is what the pre-frontal brain is good for!<br />
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(For more information on the reptile, paleo-limbic, neo-limbic, and pre-frontal brains check out the Udemy course: <a href="http://www.udemy.com/my-brain-and-i/?dtcode=e3aTvoP3ygIB">Master Your Brain: Neuroscience for Personal Development</a>.)Lori Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17705706227685359532noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1988282393759072158.post-50456547817751893572015-05-13T11:24:00.002-04:002015-05-13T11:47:29.243-04:00What's In Your Back-pack?Once upon a time a little girl was born. On that day her mother gave her an invisible back-pack very similar to the one her mother was carrying. The mother reached into her own back-pack and pulled out two large invisible stones, one was named "My Self-worth" and the other was named "My Life Purpose". She put these two stones in the little baby girl's back-pack.<br />
<br />
Now the little girl may have struggled at first to carry those stones for her mother, but since they had been there from the day she was born she really never knew what life would have been like without them. It was almost like a test: once her mother realized she could carry those stones, she continued to add more as the years went by. Some of those stones were given to her mother by other people and society, like "Do Well In School", and "Be a Good Christian", but then there were some unusual ones that were fairly unique, like a Really Big Stone called "Be a Prophet (with me) and Help 'Save the World'"!<br />
<br />
Eventually her mother's stones included, "My Fear that the Mafia and Your Dad are Out to Kill Us (and stop us from carrying out our 'Mission from God')", and "My Need to 'Protect' You by Not Letting You Have any Kind of Close Interpersonal Relationships with Anyone But Me", and later "My Physical Health and Well-Being", "My Happiness", and "Food, Clothing, and Shelter Needs for My Life (as well as your own)". It's really amazing that the little girl did not crumble under the weight of all of those stones!<br />
<br />
However, after the little girl had grown into a young woman and started going to college, still looking after but not actually living with her mother anymore, she came in contact with a "mentor" instructor who took the time to really listen to her, and (at least indirectly) notice that she was carrying this really heavy back-pack full of her mother's stones. This person suggested that she see a school counselor as he would help her take a closer look at all that she was carrying and decide what really belonged to her and what did not.<br />
<br />
Eventually, under the counselor's direction, this young woman confronted her mother and showed her the stones and said, "These belong to you, not me, or any of the other people you've blamed for the problems in your life." A few weeks later, the mother had a "break-down", and was found by the police wandering around outside her house. Since the mother had spoken about trying to kill herself, and had at least managed to bruise the back of her neck really badly, the police and other "authorities" were able to commit her to a mental hospital shortly thereafter.<br />
<br />
However, it was that long-night in the emergency room with her mother when this young woman was finally able to empty out many of the stones from her back-pack, especially "Be a Good Christian", "Be a Prophet and Save the World", and "My Fear that the Mafia and Your Dad are Out to Kill Us". She also set aside the ones named "My Self-Worth", "My Happiness", and "My Life Purpose" that had all come from her mother.<br />
<br />
Nevertheless, she kept the one for "Food, Clothing, and Shelter (for herself)" as well as "Do Well in School" and "Keep Up with Your Minimum Credit Card Payments". She had also added another since being on her own in college called, "Be Attractive and Sexually Available to Men in Order to Get them to Like you and Care About You." And finally, she inadvertently replaced the "Be a Prophet and Save the World" stone with another very large stone called: "With Little to No Understanding or Support from Anyone Else, Especially Your Other Family Members, Continue to BE STRONG and Just Learn to GET OVER all of the Emotional Trauma and Lack of Functional Parenting of Your Childhood, ON YOUR OWN, Even If It Takes You the Rest of Your Life, and Maybe Somewhere Down the Road You can Write a Book about It".<br />
<br />
Now, needless to say, that was still a Really Heavy Load for this young woman to carry, and interestingly enough, her back frequently hurt from it - for real! And she stumbled around a lot, and when she did try to connect with potential friends or partners, this huge load on her back always got in the way (especially when it bumped into the heavy loads those people were often carrying as well).<br />
<br />
The problem for everyone was that these back-packs and their heavy stones were INVISIBLE! And how can you really deal with all these things when they're INVISIBLE!?<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">* * * *</div><br />
Many, many years later, as this now much more mature woman was continuing to try to "GET OVER" the emotional and practical challenges of her early life; after she had piled-on and then dropped other various expectations that she had for herself, her relationships, and <i>her</i> life purpose; after she had stumbled around and ALMOST fallen, over and over again; after she had learned unconsciously that one of the few ways to not Fall Down was just too KEEP MOVING - she had a Break Through!! ... While continuing her education studying neuroscience, her instructor offered up an image and a concept that she had never considered before: Demands and Expectations vs. <i>Means and Resources</i>...!<br />
<br />
The instructor explained that when "Demands and Expectations" far outweigh "Means and Resources" (for meeting those "Demands and Expectations") this can cause a great deal of <i>psychological stress</i>. (Duh!) Furthermore, although it is possible to build a larger "resource base" to support meeting "Demands and Expectations", it is actually a lot easier just to reduce expectations first! The instructor illustrated these ideas with two pyramid-like structures that looked something like this:<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3RiVdo3Van45oh1bmzGmopZBCClJyj8F8BJNbEfAs0CgUCm3xQxvPnMl9C4kQdZ5poqkY_StRd0qp5CX1QJ8bvL8GFQowbFn1_J0hjl4xfccJyZ1BA-BzLYjnPQR8zxOkba12pf0TVSk/s640/blogger-image--1526687926.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3RiVdo3Van45oh1bmzGmopZBCClJyj8F8BJNbEfAs0CgUCm3xQxvPnMl9C4kQdZ5poqkY_StRd0qp5CX1QJ8bvL8GFQowbFn1_J0hjl4xfccJyZ1BA-BzLYjnPQR8zxOkba12pf0TVSk/s640/blogger-image--1526687926.jpg" /></a></div><br />
Upon seeing these images, it was as if a bright light were turned on in her head. This now much more mature woman finally realized that when "Means and Resources" do not match or exceed "Demands and Expectations" <i>instability is inevitable</i>! And it was in this simple illustration that she was finally able to SEE the biggest problem of her own life (and possibly that of many, many others as well)! Her "invisible back-pack" was Way Too Full of "Demands and Expectations" compared with the "Means and Resources" she had ever had available to her or managed to gather together for herself to help her "carry the load". (In fact, she had never even really thought practically about "Means and Resources", maybe in part because she had had so few of them most of her life.) And furthermore, she realized she was now the single person Most Responsible for keeping that back-pack overfilled with Her Own Expectations of Herself and, therefore, distancing the very people who could help her because they would feel threatened by her self-created instability!<br />
<br />
Being a fairly intelligent woman, she knew what she had to do, and so she went right to work <b>Emptying That "Back-pack"</b>!! She also took some time to "inventory" her "resource base". As a consequence, she made much more conscious decisions about what stones she could keep - what expectations she actually could fulfill for herself, and her present life circumstances, and with the people she cared about.<br />
<br />
(Now here's the cool thing: Since this woman had been struggling to carry that Really Heavy Load all of her life, her legs and back were actually still pretty strong. And when she shouldered the now Much Lighter Back-pack it was really no great surprise that it was Much Easier for her to carry!)<br />
<br />
Furthermore, she learned how to see and talk to her friends better about the loads that they were carrying, and to help them do an inventory of their own "resource base" for carrying those loads. And finally, she started focusing more and more on building up her own resources so that, when the time is right, she can get back to those Really Great Things that she wants to accomplish with her life.<br />
<br />
With renewed gratitude for all of the help and support she did actually receive through the course of her life, and especially for the instructor who created the neuroscience course she was taking that allowed her to make this critical discovery, and with the increased understanding of how it was Her responsibility not to overburden herself in the future, this woman now lives her life more happily, freely, stably, and productively, than she ever has before!<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">* * * *</div><br />
There's a credit card company out there that asks in its commercials: "What's in <b>Your</b> wallet?" Maybe, where your overall well-being and "life balance" is concerned, the far more important question to ask is, "What's in Your <b>Back-Pack</b>?" And "Can you really <b>afford</b> to be carrying all of <b>Your</b> 'stones'?"<br />
Lori Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17705706227685359532noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1988282393759072158.post-39632373615778831252014-07-13T17:23:00.000-04:002014-08-28T12:00:06.875-04:00What's "Love" Got to Do with It?In Western Culture we have generalized the meaning of "love" like we have generalized the meaning of <a href="http://nathanbiberdorf.wordpress.com/2014/06/09/not-everyone-is-beautiful/">"beauty"</a>. We can "love" our cars and our cats as much as we "love" our intimate partners (sometimes even more). We associate "beauty" with physical attractiveness and also apply it to being "a beautiful person" - suggesting there is some quality of character that is "beautiful" that goes beyond physical appearances.<br />
<br />
In a <a href="http://thebluemoonturtleblog.blogspot.com/2013/02/sowhat-does-love-feel-likefor-real.html">previous blog</a>, I proposed the idea that "Love Feels Like Effort", however, my guess right now is that most people are experiencing "enjoyment" in many of the instances where they "call it love." In other words, we <i>enjoy</i> our cars and our cats; we <i>enjoy</i> the company of our friends and sexual pleasure with our intimate partners. We <i>enjoy</i> "beautiful" art and "beautiful" people, whether that beauty is "deep" or "superficial". However, such <i>enjoyment</i> generally comes quite spontaneously, and, therefore, does not involve any <i>effort</i> or conscious intention.<br />
<br />
I'm currently reading a book by Robert Augustus Masters entitled <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Intimacy-Comprehensive-Connecting-Emotions/dp/1604079398"><i>Emotional Intimacy: A Comprehensive Guide to Connecting with Your Emotions</i></a>. He points out that most people are "emotionally illiterate"; i.e. they have a very limited vocabulary when it comes to describing their feelings or being able to communicate about those feelings with others. Marshall Rosenberg, author of <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Compassion-Marshall-Rosenberg/dp/1892005026/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1405282651&sr=1-5&keywords=non-violent+communication+by+marshall+rosenberg"><i>Nonviolent Communication: The Language of Compassion</i></a> and other related books offers a list of over 100 different emotions one might feel when one's needs <i>are</i> being met and over 100 more for when one's needs are <i>not</i> being met. I dare say many of us could accurately label five emotions or emotional states, let alone 200+. In addition, many of us are not sensitive to what our "needs" are and, therefore, are not always aware of when they are or are not being met.*<br />
<br />
Since coming to my own conclusions about what "love" feels like, for real, I have become much more careful about using the word. At the simplest level, I will say "I love you" to friends and family members to whom I feel some commitment of life energy; i.e. I am willing to <i>make the effort</i> to keep in touch with them, to assist them however I can, to meet whatever emotional or physical needs that I can, to <i>make the effort</i> of understanding them as best I can as well as respecting their boundaries. Furthermore, when I am really committed to "loving" someone, I will work even harder to transcend any limitations in myself that might otherwise compromise my ability to relate with them or for them to feel comfortable relating with me.<br />
<br />
As I have been thinking about this more recently, <a href="http://thebluemoonturtleblog.blogspot.com/2012/06/bill-of-rights-for-interpersonal.html">another blog post</a> has come to mind and so I wanted to tie some ideas together here; i.e. this idea of real love being <i>effortful</i> and its expression in relationship involving at least as much respect as enjoyment of the other person. For the respect part, I'd like to once again offer a "Relationship Bill of Rights" as discussed in Terry Gorski's book, <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Love-Right-Learning-Intimacy-ebook/dp/B008GULMI0/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1405282945&sr=1-1&keywords=getting+love+right+learning+the+choices+of+healthy+intimacy"><i>Getting Love Right: Learning the Choices of Healthy Intimacy"</i></a>:<br />
<br />
1. I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect.<br />
2. I have the right to be free from psychological or physical abuse.<br />
3. I have the right to proper notice and negotiation prior to the relationship being terminated.<br />
4. I have the right to experience my own thoughts and feelings.<br />
5. I have the right to tell my partner honestly and responsibly what I am thinking and feeling - even if my partner does not agree - without being condemned for it.<br />
6. I have the right to have my own life outside of the relationship.<br />
7. I have the right to continue to learn and to grow.<br />
8. I have the right to talk openly about and seek to resolve relationship problems.<br />
9. I have the right to end the relationship if it is not meeting my needs.<br />
10.I recognize that my partner has the same rights I do.(Pages 334 and 335.)<br />
<br />
I find it interesting how many people have difficulty talking about these kinds of things in their relationships. My current perception is that the respect of these "rights" depends on what Masters refers to as "emotional literacy," again, the very thing so many people lack. Referring once more to Gorski's work - one of the first skills a person has to have in order to have a <i>functional</i> intimate relationship is a) to be able to recognize what they are feeling, b) put an accurate label on what they are feeling, and c) be able to communicate that to another person, and then reciprocally d) be able to listen to what another person has to say about what they are feeling, e) not respond with disbelief and/or "projection" (substituting other emotions or motives in place of the ones stated), nor to respond with blame, defensiveness, or condemnation of the other person, and otherwise, f) respond appropriately out of acceptance, understanding of and/or empathy with what the other person has communicated.<br />
<br />
Furthermore, according to Gorski, these skills are learned first and foremost in the home, where emotionally literate parents help their children to: identify what they are feeling, put a label on that feeling, and communicate about it, and in response the parent respects the child's feelings, and does not get defensive themselves nor condemn the child nor shun them or shame them for feeling one way or another.<br />
<br />
But that is not the way most of us living today have been raised. In his 198_(?) lecture on <i>What Is "Normal" in an Intimate Relationship?</i>, Gorski estimated that only 20-30% of the adults living at that time had grown up in that type of functional relationship with their parents. That meant that 70-80% lacked these critical skills and, therefore, it was "normal to be <i>dys</i>functional in our intimate relationships." Luckily, he did not end his lecture there, but has since offered guidance for all those who would prefer to learn to relate more functionally. The book I have referred to above offers such guidance, and I highly recommend it. I have yet to complete the Masters book yet, but I can see signs that it is roughly on the same path as Gorski's.<br />
<br />
All that being said, I guess the point of my writing is to challenge the "lip service" we pay to "love" when what we are really describing <i>most of the time</i> is "enjoyment." And that's perfectly fine. But "enjoyment" isn't really about commitment and certainly not a commitment to <i>effortful</i> ego/self-transcendance in relationship with others or conscious and intentional meeting of another person's needs*. Usually saying "I love you" in association with enjoyment means, "I'm committed to relating with you as long as it feels good" or "as long as you make me feel good, but once that 'good feeling' goes away, I'm out of here!" And even if partners stay together physically, after the "good feelings" go away, one or the other can certainly leave the relationship emotionally long before any physical separation.<br />
<br />
So, in closing, I will offer these two lists - the one's from Rosenberg's course book in non-violent communication, so you can start to develop your own vocabulary, increase your own "emotional literacy" and maybe start to develop a more relationally respectful and functional dialogue with your intimate partners, friends, and family members.<br />
<br />
List One: How we are likely to feel when our needs* are Not being met:<br />
<br />
afraid<br />
aggravated<br />
agitated<br />
alarmed<br />
aloof<br />
angry<br />
anguished<br />
annoyed<br />
anxious<br />
apathetic<br />
apprehensive<br />
aroused<br />
ashamed<br />
beat <br />
bewildered<br />
bitter<br />
blah<br />
blue<br />
bored<br />
brokenhearted<br />
chagrined<br />
cold<br />
concerned<br />
confused<br />
cool<br />
cross<br />
dejected<br />
depressed<br />
despairing<br />
despondent<br />
detached<br />
disaffected<br />
disenchanted<br />
disappointed<br />
discouraged<br />
disgruntled<br />
disgusted<br />
disheartened<br />
dismayed<br />
displeased<br />
disquieted<br />
distressed<br />
disturbed<br />
downcast<br />
downhearted<br />
dull<br />
edgy<br />
embarrassed<br />
embittered<br />
exasperated<br />
exhausted<br />
fatigued<br />
fearful<br />
fidgety<br />
forlorn<br />
frightened<br />
frustrated<br />
furious<br />
gloomy<br />
guilty<br />
harried<br />
heavy<br />
helpless<br />
hesitant<br />
horrified<br />
horrible<br />
hostile<br />
hot<br />
humdrum<br />
hurt<br />
ill-humored<br />
impatient<br />
indifferent<br />
intense<br />
irate<br />
irked<br />
irritated<br />
jealous<br />
jittery<br />
keyed-up<br />
lazy<br />
leery<br />
lethargic<br />
listless<br />
lonely<br />
mad<br />
mean<br />
miserable<br />
mopey<br />
morose<br />
mournful<br />
nervous<br />
nettled<br />
numb<br />
overwhelmed<br />
panicky<br />
passive<br />
perplexed<br />
pessimistic<br />
puzzled<br />
rancorous<br />
reluctant<br />
repelled<br />
resentful<br />
restless<br />
sad<br />
scared<br />
sensitive<br />
shaky<br />
shocked<br />
skeptical<br />
sleepy<br />
sorrowful<br />
sorry<br />
spiritless<br />
startled<br />
surprised<br />
suspicious<br />
terrified<br />
tired<br />
troubled<br />
uncomfortable<br />
unconcerned<br />
uneasy<br />
unglued<br />
unhappy <br />
unnerved<br />
upset<br />
uptight<br />
vexed<br />
weary<br />
wistful<br />
withdrawn<br />
woeful<br />
worried<br />
wretched<br />
<br />
List Two: How we are likely to feel when our needs* Are being met:<br />
<br />
absorbed<br />
adventurous<br />
affectionate<br />
alert<br />
alive<br />
amazed<br />
amused<br />
animated<br />
appreciative<br />
ardent<br />
aroused<br />
astonished<br />
blissful<br />
breathless<br />
buoyant<br />
calm<br />
carefree<br />
cheerful<br />
comfortable<br />
complacent<br />
composed<br />
concerned<br />
confident<br />
contented<br />
cool<br />
curious<br />
dazzled<br />
delighted<br />
eager<br />
ebullient<br />
ecstatic<br />
effervescent<br />
elated<br />
enchanted<br />
encouraged<br />
energetic<br />
engrossed<br />
enlivened<br />
enthusiastic<br />
excited<br />
exhilarated<br />
expansive<br />
expectant<br />
exultant<br />
fascinated<br />
free<br />
friendly<br />
fulfilled<br />
glad<br />
gleeful<br />
glorious<br />
glowing<br />
good-humored<br />
grateful<br />
happy<br />
helpful<br />
hopeful<br />
inquisitive<br />
inspired<br />
intense<br />
interested<br />
intrigued<br />
invigorated<br />
involved<br />
joyous, joyful<br />
jubilant<br />
keyed-up<br />
loving<br />
mellow<br />
merry<br />
mirthful<br />
moved<br />
optimistic<br />
overjoyed<br />
overwhelmed<br />
peaceful<br />
perky<br />
pleasant<br />
pleased<br />
proud<br />
quiet<br />
radiant<br />
rapturous<br />
refreshed<br />
relaxed<br />
relieved<br />
satisfied<br />
secure<br />
sensitive<br />
serene<br />
spellbound<br />
splendid<br />
stimulated<br />
surprised<br />
tender<br />
thankful<br />
thrilled<br />
touched<br />
tranquil<br />
trusting<br />
upbeat<br />
warm<br />
wide-awake<br />
wonderful<br />
zestful<br />
<br />
*Consider that "needs" may be identified from <a href="http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs"> "Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs"</a>, "Relationship Rights" as outlined above, as well as "Love Needs" discussed <a href="http://thebluemoonturtleblog.blogspot.com/2012/07/understanding-basic-human-love-needs.html">in this previous post</a>.Lori Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17705706227685359532noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1988282393759072158.post-71418814105681028472014-05-26T19:24:00.000-04:002016-04-20T16:39:21.823-04:00On "Fishing"... Do You Want What You Get or Get What You Want?"Come follow me," Jesus said, "And I will make you fishers of men." Matthew 4:19<br />
<br />
In my late teens, this was one of my favorite verses from the Bible. I liked men and I liked to fish, so it was an easy metaphor for me to grasp. At one point I began to think I would lure men in with my body and then talk to them about God, if they didn't already know about Him. I found out through my Senior High drama class that back massages and foot massages could go a long way towards breaking down barriers as well. So besides being "That Girl on the Bicycle" I became the Christian girl who would "give a massage with a message"... much to many a young man's confusion and I suspect frustration, as that was all I would do...at that point in my life anyway.<br />
<br />
I entered college a year younger than most everyone else, at 17 rather than 18 (because, thanks to my mother's insistence with the school board back in Radcliff, KY, I ended up skipping sixth grade). Granted, I'd spent most of those first 18+ years "hiding out" with Mom, rather than having much in the way of normal peer to peer interactions, so, really I'd say I was more like a 12-year-old emotionally.<br />
<br />
It wasn't until much later in life that I realized how my naivete' was a big part of my appeal to men. I'm not sure if I were more or less needy than most women, having never had the validation of my father in my life, but I kept much of that well hidden with my verbosity and intellectual confidence. Inevitably though, via that combination of my still youthful naivete' and neediness, I cast a rather broad net into the world of men, and, sure enough, I caught a few "fish" here and there.<br />
<br />
The reverse was also true. There were men around who were doing basically the same thing, unconsciously putting out their nets into which naive women like myself would be "drawn in". In the long run, there was probably a fairly equal amount of "tossing back" or "rejection" from me and from them as we were all trying to figure out what we wanted based on what we could get or "catch" in those unconscious nets.<br />
<br />
As I have discussed on this blog before, one of the ways we "net" each other is with <a href="http://thebluemoonturtleblog.blogspot.com/2013/01/reflections-on-projections-part-2.html"><i>anima</i> and <i>animus</i> "projections"</a>. I'd offer that another way is much more primal, mostly involving women making themselves more visually attractive and/or erotically stimulating for men. Some women are more adept at this than others, and/or are born with certain physical traits that lend themselves more naturally to that kind of appeal. Others can afford lots of plastic surgery to re-create themselves to fit current cultural "norms", or at least what they think others see as "sexy".<br />
<br />
In his many books on relations between men and women, <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Deida">David Deida</a> describes a woman's "feminine radiance" as a unique <i>spiritual</i> gift that she has to offer to men and the world. However, he also makes a distinction between developing that on a purely physical, superficial level and having it literally "radiate" from the core of her being. <br />
<br />
To illustrate the polarity between men and women, Deida points to the typical football game with its very focused, goal oriented, and freedom oriented men (as in "breaking free" into the end zone) playing the game, while the (mostly) female cheerleaders play a more supportive role on the sidelines, being Especially Radiant while doing so! While underway with the USS George Washington during football season, we were visited by the Washington Redskins Cheerleaders. Informed by Deida's ideas, it became very obvious to me, seeing the cheerleaders on and off stage, just how good they were at turning their <i>radiance</i> "On" and "Off" as well.<br />
<br />
And then I had the opportunity to watch a season of "America's Next Top Model" when it first came out. Given that all of these women were physically attractive, some of them in unique ways, it came as somewhat of a surprise to me that what the judges and producers really wanted to see was <i>their range of emotional expression</i> and how well they could communicate that through their faces and bodies.<br />
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Another time when I was underway with the USS George Washington, I saw the movie, <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dangerous_Beauty"><i>Dangerous Beauty</i></a> which has since become one of my all-time favorites. It's based on the true story of Veronica Franco a courtesan in Venice in the 1500's. As part of her "training" her mother challenges her to consciously embody a range of emotions - from anger and disdain to submission, rapture, and finally - to make her lover believe that "he is the only man in the universe".<br />
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For all of the implication that women have been "subordinated" by men throughout history, I am going to propose, that we have also held great power as well. I think many women are <i>just as guilty</i> of abusing <i>their power(s)</i> as men have ever been. In general, men may hold sway over much of our physical world, but women have always had the greater power over the emotional side of life, and I dare say we deny that at our own peril. (And before anyone gets too upset about these generalizations - let me acknowledge that I realize that is what they are and that there are always going to be exceptions within and across genders.)<br />
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I would like to offer that "net casting" is probably very deep programming for all concerned. Every species looks for a way to attract a mate, and each individual in that species will employ those devices with greater or lessor success, with that "success" measured in terms of the number of offspring they are ultimately able to procreate.<br />
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However, as I suggested in <a href="http://thebluemoonturtleblog.blogspot.com/2014/05/on-road-of-celibacy-january-22-2012.html">my previous post</a>, there is much more going on for human beings than just "reproduction" of the species. Consequently, if we keep using tools evolved primarily for finding mates for reproduction, when reproducing is not, or is no longer what is most important to us, then it is no wonder we keep finding ourselves in trouble, struggling to find more overall satisfaction in our relationships. Maybe its time we come up with some better methods of finding people we want to be relating with for those <i>other reasons</i>? In other words, the "casting a net" approach isn't really the most effective for most of us human beings in this more complex, modern world.<br />
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From my own point of view, it's no longer about what I <i>can</i> catch in my "net" by "chance"; it's also not about letting myself be "drawn into" someone else's "net" when they are not really clear about what they want. It's about knowing very clearly what <b>I</b> actually want, and keeping my mind and heart open to meeting someone who a) also knows very clearly what they want, b) doesn't need a lot of "woo/woo emotional/biochemical stimulation" to get them to pay attention, and c) actually wants the same most important things in a relationship that I want. (In other words, it does not have to be a "perfect match", but we should be able to share many of the things that are <a href="http://thebluemoonturtleblog.blogspot.com/2012/03/on-sharing-what-is-most-meaningful.html"><i>most meaningful</i></a> to both of us.)<br />
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Keep in mind, for any individual to figure out what is <i>most meaningful</i> for them requires what I call "homework." If you're too busy just letting your more lowly evolved (limbic brain) biology (unconsciously) cast nets everywhere "looking for love", you're probably not going to have the time, nor the mental energy to do that "What's really most meaningful to me?" homework. It's also highly unlikely that you're ever going to have the presence of mind to engage a potential partner in dialogue to find out what is <i>most meaningful</i> to them. Therefore, there's basically no way to get to that place of sharing what is mutually meaningful without self-knowledge and without knowledge of the other person as well, far more knowledge than anyone might gain from a "first impression", or "love a first sight"!<br />
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As one of my favorite authors on the subject of relationships,<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Love-Right-Learning-Intimacy/dp/0671864157">Terry Gorski</a> puts it: "Most relationships fail due to selection errors." As I have suggested repeatedly in posts throughout this <i>Blue Moon Turtle Blog</i>: I'm convinced there are better ways to "select" our friends and our intimate partners, to satisfy the total complex of our human nature, rather than just the biological aspect of it.<br />
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For instance:<br />
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1) Figure out what is <a href="http://thebluemoonturtleblog.blogspot.com/2012/03/on-sharing-what-is-most-meaningful.html">most meaningful</a> to you and to your potential partner, and see if these things intersect.<br />
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2) Beware of emotional/biochemical addictions to experiences like <a href="http://thebluemoonturtleblog.blogspot.com/2012/02/overcoming-my-addiction-to-falling-in.html">falling in love</a>.<br />
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3) Understand the limits of <a href="http://thebluemoonturtleblog.blogspot.com/2013/12/thoughts-on-intuition.html">intuition</a>, and back it up with what Gorski calls a "rational basis of trust" born of actual experiential knowledge of the other person over a fairly long period of time and in multiple circumstances.<br />
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4) Know your own <a href="http://thebluemoonturtleblog.blogspot.com/2013/01/reflections-on-projections-part-3_21.html"><i>anima</i> or <i>animus</i></a>, and be as conscious as you possibly can be so as to minimize if not altogether eliminate your tendency to "project" onto others.<br />
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5) Be careful misinterpreting basic <a href="http://thebluemoonturtleblog.blogspot.com/2013/11/thoughts-on-origin-of-our-god-ideas.html">biological/emotional-biochemical experiences</a> masquerading as something "higher" or "more spiritual."<br />
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And, lastly (for now),<br />
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6) Be aware of your tendency to a) not be completely clear about what you actually want in a relationship, and b) unconsciously "casting your net" merely to see who you can catch, and how you might control them, rather than being more sensitive to the humanity of the other person and their need to be treated with empathy and respect.<br />
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Granted, if we never learn to approach these most challenging of human relationships more consciously, and we simply continue to allow our lower biology, our limbic brains, to keep running the show, we <i>will</i>, nevertheless, continue to produce more human beings. My contention is that we will not be producing happy, peaceful, well-adjusted human beings, nor will we ultimately produce a happy, peaceful, well-adjusted and sustainable society. We're only going to "get what we get" - but not necessarily get what we <i>really want</i>.Lori Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17705706227685359532noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1988282393759072158.post-51413550303442974882014-05-18T16:19:00.004-04:002014-05-18T20:35:06.842-04:00On the Road of Celibacy - January 22, 2012 - PresentI ended my last intimate relationship when I came to the conclusion that the person I was with was not really capable of seeing me for who I was, let alone loving me or valuing me for who I was or for what I was able to offer to him in our relationship. We had been friends for over 10 years, lovers off-and-on over those 10 years, and housemates and lovers just prior to my starting to ride my bicycle across the U.S. in 2012. <br />
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There had been "perceptual problems" all along. Probably the most persistent was that he was convinced that either I had "fallen in love with him" or I would at some point in the future, regardless of the number of times I tried to explain to him that I just didn't do that anymore...because I <a href="http://thebluemoonturtleblog.blogspot.com/2012/02/understanding-psychology-of-romantic.html">understand the psychology of romantic love</a>, as well as the mechanisms of <a href="http://thebluemoonturtleblog.blogspot.com/2013/01/reflections-on-projections-part-3_21.html"><i>anima</i> and <i>animus</i> "projection"</a>. Nevertheless, it was an ongoing pattern in his communication with me, a warning of sorts, to "not fall in love with him" because he was definitely not "in love with me" even though we continued to be intimate with one another.<br />
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There were other misperceptions as well. When he admitted one particularly serious misinterpretation of some things I had said, that also involved a third party, it was then that I realized: if my friend could be so completely wrong about that, then there was probably Nothing I Could Say or do that he would not misinterpret, even grossly misinterpret in some way. <br />
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When you reach that conclusion with someone, no matter what the relationship, there's just really no place to go from there, no matter how much you might care about them.<br />
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I am somewhat perturbed to say this pattern has presented itself to me multiple times in my life. I think it may have something to do with my attraction to men with above average intelligence. I enjoy intellectual conversation. I enjoy a man who can express himself well, who has a certain "Dynamic Quality" to his character. More and more though, I fear some of that outward expressiveness is a distraction from certain deeper deficits and/or emotional/psychological shortcomings. Not surprisingly, given my own <a href="http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=k4CQQ3VukNs">difficult childhood</a> I am also drawn to be empathetic with other people, especially men, who have suffered various forms of child abuse, whether it was subtle or overt. Upon further consideration, though, that's actually a big demographic given the history of abusive child rearing in this culture. So rather than "drawing" these types of men towards me it may be more a matter of having difficulty avoiding them altogether, because there are just too many of them out there!<br />
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For my own part, I know that I have entered into many of these relationships with an intuition that the person I was with was having difficulty <i>genuinely</i> (and that's the key word) empathizing with me and with other people. I thought that if <i>I</i> exercised my capacity to empathize with them deeply and consistently enough, they would <i>learn</i> from that experience, they would <i>learn</i> from my example, my modeling in relationship with them. It wasn't until I was listening to one of <a href="http://freedomainradio.com/callinshow/">Stefan Molyneux's Live Call-in Shows</a> that I began to think differently about that...<br />
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Stefan used the analogy of speaking Japanese to someone who did not know the language. You could speak Japanese to them indefinitely and they were not going to learn Japanese simply by listening to you. He said that empathy is like that. It's something that people <i>have to learn</i> and they have to learn it as a part of their early childhood development. I have enough background in early childhood development to agree in general. However, there's a part of me that wants to hope that, under the right circumstances and given sufficient determination, anyone at any age can learn to genuinely empathize with others, in the same way that they could learn a new language - especially if they can appreciate the value of it. Nevertheless, I realize that this is another area of human life where the odds are stacked against such an outcome, which I find deeply, deeply, frustrating and disheartening.<br />
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Given the circumstances, it was really painful to come to this conclusion about my long-time "friend" as well. It was hard to accept the possibility that no matter how much I genuinely cared about him, he would never be able to receive that caring for exactly what it was. For whatever reasons, without a capacity for genuine empathy, he would not be able to <i>feel</i> my caring for him. And it was not enough for me to simply <i>feel myself</i> as a "caring person". I have shared this idea in another way: if I am going to offer "understanding" to someone, I want them to <i>actually feel understood</i> and I am willing to communicate until that level of understanding or mutual understanding is reached between us (of course that depends on the other person also having that same level of commitment).<br />
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Coming out of that relationship, I was presented with a new one, and in the context of that latter relationship I was offered a challenge "to be celibate for at least a year". Since I have been very transient for most of the last three years, that has actually helped me to meet that challenge and exceed it. Furthermore, it has given me an opportunity and time to think differently about physical intimacy.<br />
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First of all, reading another book available through Stefan Molyneux's website, <a href="http://feeds.feedburner.com/OriginsOfWar"><i>The Origins of War in Child Abuse</i></a> by Lloyd deMause, I learned that males are brain-wired to be even more emotionally sensitive than women, and yet many if not most human cultures have denied this reality and, in fact, seem bent on conditioning men to be just the opposite. If little boys do not receive the empathy they need and the respect they need for their emotional vulnerability as children, it is no wonder they have difficulty exercising those capacities for themselves and for others as adults. <br />
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Knowing this, and knowing how vulnerable people are and are made to feel in the midst of and aftermath of physical intimacy, I have decided to not take any of that for granted anymore. I'm not going to invite a man to be that vulnerable with me unless there is a much greater foundation of relationship and trust between us to Protect Him. And as far as I'm concerned, any man who comes to me denying his need for that kind of emotional respect, is not respecting his own emotional vulnerability enough, and will probably not respect my emotional vulnerability either.<br />
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Second, I have come to a much deeper knowledge of all of the biochemistry involved with different types of feelings associated with "love" and "desire". From <a href="http://www.youramazingbrain.org/lovesex/sciencelove.htm">this article</a> I learned that feelings of "lust" are mediated primarily by testosterone and estrogen, feelings of "romantic love" are mediated by dopamine, adrenaline, and serotonin (and note, adrenaline is there because you are having a <i>stress response</i>; it's the same chemical that enters your system when you are feeling <i>fear</i>), and finally, feelings of long-term attachment are mediated by oxytocin and vasopressin. (Interesting side note for vasopressin - as noted in <a href="http://health.howstuffworks.com/wellness/drugs-alcohol/hangover2.htm">this article</a> - it's repressed by alcohol consumption!)<br />
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From my current point of view, I appreciate that the emotional/chemical cocktails associated with physical intimacy are going to be expressed no matter what we might be thinking about our partner at the time. And, on a biological level, our <i>bodies</i> are saying to one another variations of "I want to mate with you and make babies" and "I want to bond with you," again, whether that is actually true on a conscious mental level or not.<br />
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I have decided that the next time I choose to be intimate with someone it will be because (at least in my case), I am <i>consciously</i> choosing to communicate with them, "I want to bond with you." Furthermore, I would prefer a much more established expression of oxytocin and vasopressin in our relating, through friendly association/companionship and "getting to know one another" over a long period of time, before adding in dopamine, adrenaline, and serotonin. <br />
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From my current point of view, people who are addicted to the "rush" of "falling in love" (as <a href="http://thebluemoonturtleblog.blogspot.com/2012/02/overcoming-my-addiction-to-falling-in.html">I once was</a>) are really no different from people who are addicted to the "rush" of jumping out of an airplane or off of a cliff. (It's all about adrenaline in each case.) Thing is...people who do that jumping/falling thing in their intimate relationships often don't even pack a parachute! Is it any wonder then that so many of those relationships eventually end up dashed on the rocks?! Again, from my current point of view, the bonds of trust and friendship, that have been <i>sewn together</i> over time and reinforced biochemically with oxytocin and vasopressin form the "parachute" a couple can use for a much more safe and successful experience of "falling in love", where you can completely enjoy the fall and still <i>land on your feet</i>!<br />
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Third, I have begun to suspect that there are so many other things that make us think we are "in love" with another person, other things that <i>drive</i> us to want to be with them, to want to be intimate with them. As referred to earlier, "anima and animus projections" almost invariably result in our wanting to reclaim/remain associated with the part of ourselves we have projected onto the other person. So that can be one unconscious force driving us towards "wanting to be with the other person".<br />
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Another factor I have had to take into consideration is the role that simple <i>curiosity</i> plays in our <i>seeking</i> to be physically intimate with another person. There have been times when I have indulged myself in fantasies of being intimate with someone, thinking I was doing that because I really cared about them. But when I took a closer look at my motives, I realized part of what was underlying those "caring" feelings was simply curiosity about how it might feel like, physically, to be with that person. In that moment, I also had to acknowledge that sexual curiosity is certainly not unique to human beings, as pretty much every other animal on the planet is sexually curious once they've reached puberty, if not sooner.<br />
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And that led to another consideration: Can I kiss someone with compassion? Where, for me, compassion means having empathy for what a person has suffered in their lives and respect for how they have handled it. In order for that feeling of compassion to be genuine, I have to have in-depth knowledge of the other person. Consequently, after taking the time to gain that in-depth knowledge, can I feel so compassionate towards another person that making love becomes an <i>expression</i> of that compassion? In that case, is making love the <i>right thing to do</i> when the depth of empathy and respect for that other person can no longer be expressed in words or other actions? And furthermore, where the seeking of curiosity can eventually be satisfied, can being genuinely compassionate ever have such limitations?<br />
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Finally, over the past several months I have become increasingly knowledgeable and sensitive to the interesting dynamic between the limbic brain and the frontal cortex. From my current point of view and understanding, the limbic brain as a seat of emotion and intuition and some very old evolutionary wiring, can be quite "self-serving" and by that I mean, serving the almost exclusively biological motives of our human nature; i.e. individual survival and reproduction. If we were creatures who simply reproduced and died, there would be no problem with that. However, that is not the way human beings operate. We build communities and cultures and not unlike the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Volvox">Volvox algae</a>, we have learned that there are benefits to mediating some of our individual biological drives and motives in order to be part of a community.<br />
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And that is where the frontal cortex comes in as an evolutionary advance over the limbic brain. It is in the frontal cortex that we develop networks of neurons that encode what we <i>learn from society</i> about the <b>contexts</b> in which we may express our biological drives, the drives programmed into the limbic brain. Furthermore, we engage that learning process from infancy to age 25 or so, meaning, there is a long, long, time for our living and relational circumstances to influence how our frontal cortex develops.<br />
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Yes, all human beings are wired for aggression, but it is society that teaches us in which contexts aggression is appropriate. For example, it is okay to tackle someone on the football field and steal a football from them, it is not okay to tackle a woman on the street and steal her purse from her. For decades, sexual intimacy was only considered appropriate within the context of marriage, now, for many, any context is appropriate if two people are even remotely attracted to one another. Whatever the expectations, for greater or lessor control, it is the frontal cortex that is going to "record" those messages, for better or worse.<br />
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As I look at the journey of my own life, from the very isolating and controlling environment in which I grew up, to the freedom of being completely on my own starting in my early 20's (and in a relatively sexually liberated time of the 1980's prior to the horror and threat of AIDS), I have decided that having all that sexual freedom did not necessarily result in my being more emotionally or sexually satisfied in my relationships. Furthermore, my early isolation certainly did not prepare me to deal with the intricacies of social relations, and the emotional self-regulation that is so often important to maintaining those relations. However, especially since the mid to late 90's, I have been doing a lot more "homework" in this area, and if anything, my current choices are a culmination of that life experience and "practice".<br />
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Furthermore, I want to be clear that my celibacy is not based on a "fear of being hurt" (again). I've been disappointed, hurt, frustrated, etc., many times in my relationships and I have learned to heal from those experiences over and over again. Reading the book, <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Women-Wolves-Clarissa-Pinkola-Estés/dp/0345409876"><i>Women Who Run with the Wolves</i></a> taught me how to live as a "wise innocent".<br />
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Instead, my choosing celibacy at this point in my life is an acknowledgement that there are ways to avoid unnecessary pain and suffering and to avoid causing unnecessary pain and suffering in others if we do more emotional/biochemical self-regulation with our frontal cortex rather than leaving the limbic brain to run the show! And to be perfectly honest, I am much more satisfied with the person I have become and with the level of genuine empathy and respect I can now bring to my relationships, than I have ever been before. <br />
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I'm also appreciating the opportunity I have now to patiently "sew together" friendships with the men and women I have in my life, so that we all have better "parachutes" for the times we do choose to "take the plunge". Thanks to one of those friendships, I now know about the work of <a href="http://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_the_secret_to_desire_in_a_long_term_relationship">Esther Perel</a>, and I have really come to appreciate what she has to say about the "villages" that have gone absent from modern human civilization and the important role they have played in helping each of us meet our love and belonging needs through multiple relationships, rather than being so overly focused and dependent on that one, all-consuming, "romantic relationship".<br />
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The bottom line: I'm looking to experience myself and others in a very different way, and, for now, celibacy has opened a door to that possibility for myself and for the men who choose to become friends with me...Lori Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17705706227685359532noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1988282393759072158.post-90529984170109158102013-12-22T20:54:00.002-05:002015-09-04T10:46:57.757-04:00Thoughts on IntuitionToday I came across this article on <a href="http://www.brainpickings.org/index.php/2012/11/08/the-science-of-intuition-answers-for-aristotle/">The Science of Intuition</a> and I'm realizing, especially reading the comments on the Facebook page that as soon as you start to talk about "intuition", all of a sudden you are talking about "soul" and "God in you" and lots of other so called "spiritual" phenomena. I appreciate that the cognitive and neuroscientists are beginning to get a better handle on a lot of this in terms of articulating what is actually going on so that we can pull one more of our human life experiences out of the "mystery soup".<br />
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As I suggested <a href="http://thebluemoonturtleblog.blogspot.com/2013/11/thoughts-on-origin-of-our-god-ideas.html">in my previous post</a>, I think a lot of our intuiting is being influenced by patterns of neurology and biochemistry that are entrenched/programmed from conception on and (I'm just intuiting here...) are triggered or activated by things with which we identify in the external world. There is a form of "resonance"/coincidence there between the patterns that have already been established neurologically and biochemically and what we experience as reinforcers or validators of those patterns in the external world. And, trust me folks, the images, the archetypes, the art, the stories, the media, it's all out there, from the Bible stories some of us grow up reading, to the cartoons we watch on television, to the stories we read of historical figures, including "spiritual masters" and teachers, and all of the "intuitives" and "psychics" that are now managing to get more and more attention via the internet. There are plenty of opportunities to make a link between what we <i>feel</i> or have <i>felt</i> on the inside and what we <i>see</i> in the external world, and then interpret our experiences in the same way others have been interpreting their own experiences for hundreds if not thousands of years.<br />
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I appreciate that this article suggests that intuition can be "domain specific"; i.e. in areas where you have invested significant energy in getting to know the nuts and bolts of the subject matter, then you are more likely to have intuitions with regards to that subject matter, intuitively synthesizing and conceptualizing. I also appreciate that this article points to the fact that intuition is better practiced deliberately, and, maybe most importantly, validated by more Rational Analysis after the fact. From my current perspective, I see that as taking what you get from the processes of your limbic brain/subconscious mind and <i>integrating</i> them with the functions of your the prefrontal brain. If you are unwilling to get rational validation of your intuitions, then I would suggest that is your limbic brain wanting to maintain control, rather than submitting itself to the prefrontal brain; i.e. that's the less evolved part of your brain not submitting to the more highly evolved part of your brain.<br />
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It is not obvious to most people, but almost all evolving processes are full of this kind of "inertia" or resistance to change. A truly perfect example is that of butterflies. Before metamorphosis, imaginal cells in the caterpillar begin to express themselves and the caterpillar's immune system responds by trying to destroy them. Eventually though, the imaginal cells multiply and clump together, feeding on what is left of the caterpillar's insides and building the structures of what will eventually be a butterfly. <br />
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So it is with almost anything really "new and transformational" in the realm of human life and culture. The first voices are almost always squelched, but eventually, when there is a "critical mass" then things really start to change. Given the complexities of the human brain and human culture, it is easy for me to understand why human emotional and psychological development has not been able to keep up with our technological developments - truth is, the technologies are not nearly as complex as our brains! And it took Life a very long time just to equip animals with a limbic system. The prefrontal brain is a much more recent development and much of its functioning depends on proper training. To get that proper training you have to have a culture that supports it. To get the culture that supports it, you have to have a critical mass of brains that have already been effectively trained and they have to survive long enough to pass those effective training processes down to future generations. It's a really tight loop when you think about it.<br />
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Nevertheless, out of all of this seeming "chaos" and complexity of human individuals and human cultures, we have a new "global nervous system" that has also evolved; i.e. the internet. And if there is one fairly sure way to get your intuitions tested, it's to put them out into the world via the internet and see what happens - especially if you throw yourself in the mix with other, more highly trained "rational thinkers". Again, though, as I suggested above and with the references to Ken Wilbur's <a href="http://www.ptmistlberger.com/the-pre-trans-fallacy.php">"Pre-Trans Fallacy"</a> in my previous blog, the key is not focusing on the limbic brain or the pre-frontal brain only; i.e. intuitive versus rational - it's about being able to effectively integrate the capacities of both.Lori Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17705706227685359532noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1988282393759072158.post-64687113341253856052013-11-28T13:30:00.003-05:002015-01-11T10:08:19.947-05:00Thoughts on the Origin of our "God" Ideas - A Discussion with Stefan Molyneux<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I had the opportunity recently to talk with Stefan Molyneux during one of his "Sunday Morning Call-in Shows". You can find that discussion <a href="http://youtu.be/Uo0rZZbTdnM" target="_blank">here</a> starting at 34:11. </span><br />
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</span> <span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I know that what I cover in this discussion may challenge the beliefs of many of my family and friends with respect to our ideas about "heaven" and about "God". Furthermore, there are implications for those who are more oriented towards "spiritual" experiences or practices, although I do not go into that with this particular discussion.</span><br />
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</span> <span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Nevertheless, in the past year or so I have come to question all of this. I have become more focused on who and what we are as Human Beings "only"; i.e. as highly evolved biological organisms on this planet. At the root of my feelings surrounding all of this is that As Long as We Keep Comparing Ourselves to some "Spiritual Ideal" that may only be a remnant of our early developmental experience, and we put ourselves down or allow ourselves to be diminished in a myriad of ways - if we keep feeling "condemned" by the "problematic nature of human existence", then we will not completely Own, Honor, and, most importantly, Be Completely Responsible For our overall functioning and relating here with Each Other, On This Planet and in This World. </span><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">In other words, if we keep "meditating on ourselves" as "falling short" then we will not be as motivated to continue to strive to reach our full potential as Ordinary Human Beings, who, in my mind, happen to be Truly Extraordinary biological organisms - capable of both amazing and terrible things! </span><br />
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</span> <span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">For anyone who persists in the ideas that, as human beings, we are "inherently sinful" or "born of sin", or even secularists who have a generally negative view of human beings, I'm offering something to counter all of that by suggesting a possible source of where each of us as individuals got those ideas into our heads in the Very First Place. As I discuss with Stefan, those ideas could have arisen spontaneously in the hearts and minds of every human being who has ever lived, who has ever been in the womb and then been born, and experienced the biochemical patterns associated with all of those experiences. I am coming to the conclusion that the "latent memories" the "intuitions" that are the expression of those biochemical patterns are what we then "project" into the outer world as gods, and demons, and stories of heaven. Furthermore, I would offer that it is even tied to our "projection" of anthropomorphic consciousness onto other living (or even non-living) beings,whether plant or animal, which is the source of animistic religions.</span><br />
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</span> It is not easy for me to stand in place with what I am saying, knowing, that if people really pay attention, they will realize I'm challenging a huge, huge, entrenched history of religious and "spiritual" dogma and dharma, and anthropology, even across all past and present cultures. Some people may think I'm just "trying to be confrontational or controversial." I assure you, that is not the case. I am sharing what I feel are the insights that have come to me fairly spontaneously, and if you thoroughly review the previous posts in this blog, you will see where some of the tendrils of the roots of these ideas first took hold.<br />
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There is another reason why I am sharing all of this though, in spite of the reactions it might provoke from some. Almost all of my life, up until the last year or so, I have been a "believer" myself. From my early Christian upbringing to my more recently becoming a formal devotee of "spiritual master" Adi Da Samraj. In between, I moved around the "metaphysical" communities and drew many ideas from the scientific principles of quantum mechanics, etc., etc. I have probably been more inclined to believe in reincarnation through all of this than I have in "heaven" and/or "hell" and Adi Da's Wisdom-Teaching on these subjects continued to reinforce and elaborate on many of those ideas.<br />
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However, in a very passionate discussion I had with <a href="http://paulkchappell.com/">Paul K. Chappell</a>, many months ago, he posed a simple question to me: "But, Lori...What if this is it? What if human beings only have one life to live here and that's it?" In other words, for all the human beings who suffer abuse, depravity, etc., etc., that's It for them. That is all they will know of what it is like to be a human being. There is no coming back. No getting it better next time. No heaven after they die. As Paul pointed out, it still makes sense to do everything each of us can both individually and collectively to make this the very best experience of being human any of us can have, and that means doing whatever we can to make the world, This Incredible World we live in a better place for current and future generations, in part because, as the Incredible Biological Organisms that we are...we Can Do That.<br />
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Alternatively, we can also keep going down the path we are on, more or less consciously (usually less) seeking romantic and spiritual biochemical highs that are generated internally, or we can seek chemical highs from all kinds of other external sources of drugs or experiences that stimulate or modulate our internal biochemistry. We can continue to let our lower biological functioning as it relates to our drives for eating, mating, protecting territory, etc. continue to rule the higher levels of our functioning that allow us to become "self-aware", or we can more consciously develop and use the tools that our more developed brains give us to more effectively, consciously, and rationally manage all of our lower impulses and learn better how to voluntarily cooperate with rather than compete with everyone around us.<br />
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But, I am growing more convinced, if we persist in "projecting" from our own experience a necessarily naive point of view, of some "ideal" state that is Not that of being an ordinary human being, based in our most infantile experience and misinterpretation of our lives As human beings; if we do not Get Over That, then we will also be trapped there, individually and culturally, never able to move ahead in our otherwise TRULY INCREDIBLE CAPACITIES as VERY HIGHLY EVOLVED ORGANISMS on this planet.<br />
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I do agree with many from all camps, that there is a necessary Shift that needs to take place, and in many ways I feel it already is. I know it has with me. However, I do not necessarily agree with all in terms of the Direction of that "shift". Where some may think we need to be better develop our (religious) "morality" or our (metaphysical) "spirituality" - I would say we need to focus more on our Humanity and our (biologically unique?) Capacity for Self-awareness and Rationality. Everything else has brought us to where we are now, but I do not believe retreating to a prior state, the state of infantile "oneness with everything" or even further to the "heaven" of the womb where "all of our needs are met with no effort of our own" is going to Move Us Forward in our evolution as Biological Organisms on this planet.<br />
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Follow-up - 12-14-2013<br />
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Through comments posted on the YouTube video I've linked above, I have been made aware that Ken Wilbur has some things to add to this consideration with his description of what he calls "The Pre-Trans Fallacy". This is a <a href="http://vimeo.com/69047171" target="_blank">short video</a> where he talks about it, and this is another <a href="http://www.ptmistlberger.com/the-pre-trans-fallacy.php" target="_blank">succinct commentary</a> from another source.<br />
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Although I was not familiar with these particular elements of Ken Wilbur's work before, I can see where there is definitely some overlap with my own ideas, and I really appreciate the person who brought this to my attention in the comments. Such is the power of the internet in helping to tie all of our minds and thoughts together.<br />
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Lori Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17705706227685359532noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1988282393759072158.post-20621042678872162212013-11-02T12:45:00.001-04:002013-11-02T12:45:53.246-04:00When It Comes to "Being All that You Can Be"...Self-Awareness Is KeyThis morning I came across this article: <a href="http://www.theatlantic.com/education/archive/2013/10/why-are-hundreds-of-harvard-students-studying-ancient-chinese-philosophy/280356/" target="_blank">"Why Are Hundreds of Harvard Students Studying Ancient Chinese Philosophy?"</a> The crux of the instruction they are receiving seems to be pointing them towards greater "self-awareness", especially in the midst of mundane or ordinary every day experiences. As E.F. Schumacher explains in <i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Guide-Perplexed-E-F-Schumacher/dp/0060906111" target="_blank">A Guide for the Perplexed...</a>, </i>this is the quality of "z" in the formula, "Man = m + x + y + z", or "Man = mineral + life + consciousness + self-awareness". In his analysis, Schumacher contends that our capacity for self-awareness is what sets us apart from all other animals - as far as we can tell right now. From my own point of view, I can appreciate that as long as the language barrier persists, it is hard to get inside the head of say a dolphin, or a member of the lower primate species, to know exactly how they are thinking of themselves. Who knows though, we might figure out how to do that at some point in the future. Nevertheless, for now anyway, I think we are safe in taking Schumacher's assumption at face value.<br />
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Furthermore, if every human being were actively using their capacity for self-awareness, all of the time, then there would be no need for this class at Harvard. Apparently that is not the case. Schumacher acknowledges the fact that even though human beings have the capacity for self-awareness, the degree to which we exercise it tends to vary across populations and even within individuals themselves; i.e. even as individuals, there are some times when we are more self-aware than at other times.<br />
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I would offer that there is actually a pretty strong impetus in our society to not be <i>self</i>-aware and instead to be constantly distracted by things and people outside of ourselves; to be more "aware of" what is going on "outside" of ourselves than to be "aware of" what is going on "inside" of ourselves. I find it interesting that this class is now being taught at Harvard, maybe even being Allowed to be taught at Harvard, because it is a pretty blatant counter to that trend. I think the fact that it is being so well received by the student population alludes to my contention that human beings are not totally satisfied with just "m, x, and y". I think because we are <i>capable</i> of "z", of self-awareness, it is something we <i>need</i> to experience to be satisfied with ourselves; i.e. through realizing more of our full potential as <i>human</i> (i.e., "m+x+y+Z") beings.<br />
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For a long time now I have felt very strongly that we are at a point in our evolution as a species that we can no longer live our lives as merely a function of "m, x, and y"; i.e. the more biologically based aspects of our existence. I have written several blog posts on this subject such as <a href="http://thebluemoonturtleblog.blogspot.com/2011/09/biology-of-heaven.html" target="_blank">"The Biology of Heaven"</a>, <a href="http://thebluemoonturtleblog.blogspot.com/2011/11/understanding-psychology-of-romantic_6411.html" target="_blank">"Understanding the Psychology of Romantic Love - Part I"</a>, <a href="http://thebluemoonturtleblog.blogspot.com/2012/02/understanding-psychology-of-romantic.html" target="_blank">"Understanding the Psychology of Romantic Love - Part II"</a>, <a href="http://thebluemoonturtleblog.blogspot.com/2012/02/overcoming-my-addiction-to-falling-in.html" target="_blank">"Overcoming My Addiction to 'Falling In Love'"</a>, <a href="http://thebluemoonturtleblog.blogspot.com/2012/12/the-biology-of-omnipotence.html" target="_blank">"The Biology of 'Omnipotence'"</a>, and <a href="http://thebluemoonturtleblog.blogspot.com/2013/02/sowhat-does-love-feel-likefor-real.html" target="_blank">"So What Does Love FEEL Like...For Real?"</a>, etc. If I were to make a broad summary of all of these posts, I would say they have to do with becoming much more self-aware, even to the point of being sensitive to the "patterns-patterning" in our own biochemistry that we recognize as "feelings", that may be driving us from much deeper biological imperatives, but are not necessarily beyond our conscious control. I would offer that it is the very fact that we can become more "self-aware" in the midst of that play of our biology, that we actually have more opportunities to regulate it intentionally. The truth is there are all kinds of ways that we are doing things without full-consciousness or intention that are ultimately ways of regulating our emotional biochemistry. Why do we do anything that "makes us feel good"? What is "feeling good" apart from a secretion of certain biochemicals into our bloodstream?<br />
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Admittedly, with all of the work I have done in this area myself, I find myself identifying more and more with the "Bene Gesserit" of the world of <i>Dune</i> and science fiction: "<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">But beyond the outer virtues of poise, self-control, and diplomacy, Bene Gesserit training includes superior combat skills and precise physiological control that grants them direct control over conception and embryonic sex determination, aging, and even the ability to render poisons harmless within their bodies...." (according to this <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bene_Gesserit" target="_blank">Wikipedia article</a>). Granted, that's a Really Idealized conception of what anyone might be capable of doing with regards to regulating their own physiology, but it does point to some inkling of what we might become capable of, at least to a greater degree, especially with better training.</span><br />
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Furthermore, I think for us to have a more functional human culture in this world, and to have more people experiencing more meaningful and ultimately happier lives as human beings, it is important that we give more attention to this higher capacity in ourselves, this capacity for self-awareness and emotional/biological/physiological self-regulation. I think much of the dissatisfaction people are experiencing today stems from the very fact that they are not able to exercise those capacities, that they have not been given the social support and context for developing those capacities within themselves. These young people attending this class at Harvard...they are some of the lucky ones, especially because they are getting exposed to this fairly early in their lives. I am a firm believer that even much younger children can be gently and effectively guided in their learning of emotional self-regulation, but it needs to be something their parents and teachers also understand and know how to practice themselves, before it can be taught to their children and students.<br />
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In other words, we still have plenty of room to grow and evolve as human beings in this world, both individually, and collectively. From my point of view, we have barely even begun to realize the potential of our capacity for self-awareness; i.e. "The Z Factor" (according to E.F. Schumacher). Consequently, I applaud the work of people who are effectively helping others to explore along this path, people like Professor Michael Puett. I am continuing my own "work" in this area as well, and, as appropriate, will continue to share with you here from my experiences and insights.Lori Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17705706227685359532noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1988282393759072158.post-22283261482272185322013-10-25T11:38:00.002-04:002016-05-11T10:55:10.000-04:00What Is So "Imperfect" about Being a Human Being?In <a href="http://thebluemoonturtleblog.blogspot.com/2012/12/the-biology-of-omnipotence.html">The Biology of "Omnipotence"</a> I propose the idea that our first experiences as infants outside of the womb leave us with a feeling of "omnipotence"; i.e. when we feel uncomfortable for any reason we may cry and then, somewhat magically, our needs are taken care of (if we are experiencing normal, functional care from our primary caregivers). Since we do not experience a clear distinction between ourselves and those around us at this time, I have made the assumption that we probably feel "omnipotent"; we feel fairly "one with" and "in control of" the forces around us. And even if we do not feel completely "omnipotent" we may presume that those around us have such power.<br />
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I totally appreciate that human cognition at this early stage is quite undeveloped, however, what I am emphasizing is the fact that there is all kinds of biochemistry going on surrounding the experience of discomfort and relief. And, furthermore, it has already been determined by developmental research, that children do not begin to experience "separation anxiety" until they are around two to three years old; i.e. when they begin to recognize that they are not actually "one with" their caregivers.<br />
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My suggestion is this: If we experience our early infancy as some kind of Ideal State of Omnipotence and Power, then as we actually mature, we experience a Reduction in those experiences, we feel a Loss of Control, a Loss of the Feeling of "Oneness" with those around us, and it is this degradation of <i>our own experience</i> that begins to set-up our judgment of our overall experience of being an (apparently) separate individual, with, in reality, very little control over the world around us, at least while we are still very young. Furthermore, to the degree our parents and other adult caregivers do have the control in our lives, do have the power, we continue to see them as more "godlike" with all kinds of associated <a href="http://thebluemoonturtleblog.blogspot.com/2013/01/reflections-on-projections-part-3_21.html">"projections"</a>, again, coming from <i>our own direct experience</i> of feelings of omnipotence.<br />
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I am beginning to come to the conclusion that it is these earliest experiences, first of feelings of omnipotence and then of feelings of impotence, that set-up our <i>judgments</i> about our experience of Being Human, of Being a seemingly separate individual from all other individuals and being "separate" from a godlike "source" of power. We presume that such a "source" must exist and must be "omnipotent" because that is coming from Our Own Early Infant Experiences and Perceptions of Ourselves. And this is so very important to understand because: <b><i>Anything Less Than That Is Seen as 'Imperfect'</i></b>, whether that is an "imperfection" in ourselves or an "imperfection" in the people and world around us.<br />
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I really feel this is something that Has to Be Considered as it sets the foundation for so much of how we have been defining ourselves as human beings, pretty much throughout our history and even, I would offer, our pre-history. If this experience of "omnipotence" and "oneness" are simply latent memories of our own early infancy, and this has been part of the developmental experience of all human beings, all hominids who have had the capacity for self-awareness, self-reflection, and projection, since the beginning, then we have to reevaluate ALL of our concepts of "perfection", and what it means to be more (or less) "like God", or "Jesus", or whomever we imagine to be "more perfect" than ourselves.<br />
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However, if we are able to Let Go Of All of these idealizations, then we might, we just might, have the opportunity to consider just how amazing we truly are as Ordinary Human Beings! Given the course of Life and evolution, we are Truly Amazing Organisms, with relatively extraordinary capacities compared to pretty much every other organism on this planet. As long as we keep measuring ourselves (and others, and the world) against some exaggerated ideal that stems from our <i>misperceptions</i> as infants, then I fear we will never realize our full potential, we will never experience satisfaction in the amazing function of all of our capacities, and we will never begin to Accept Full Responsibility for Who and What we Truly Are and what we are capable of as <i><b>Ordinary Human Beings</b></i>!<br />
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As for me, I am done with any ideas or attitudes about "perfection", whether human or spiritual. As I counseled myself many, many years ago, there is only one thing "perfect" I can be and that is to be a "Perfect Me". I am a unique individual. I am the only one who can set the standard of what a "Lori Lee Bell" should be. My name is the only label that truly Fits "Me", and in every moment I am already being the very best "Me" I can Be. Doesn't mean I do not strive to maximize my potential as an Ordinary Human Being who happens to actually be a pretty extraordinary organism on this planet, but I have no other "'spiritual' ideals" to which I aspire. And I Am Content with that. And I Am Content with all of the variations of already "perfect" human beings around me, and the already "perfect" world in which I live. I accept the Play of Life on this planet and all of the static and Dynamic forces that have brought it to be what it is today - as far as we know - also fairly unique in the vast expanse of the universe. I am no longer "seeking"; I am Already Happy, Already Content. Whatever actions I take now are as an Expression of my Already Present Happiness, not a striving for it - or a striving for some human or "spiritual" ideal that I conceived of as an infant.<br />
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I am a "Perfect Me" and that is the only thing "perfect" I Will Ever Be!Lori Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17705706227685359532noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1988282393759072158.post-89726805394253230652013-05-11T17:27:00.003-04:002013-05-11T20:47:39.417-04:00Happy "Mother's" Day...and "Companion's" and "Amazon's" and "Medium's" Day, Too!I have been personally aware of the "Mother Bias" ever since I read a short book called <a href="http://www.amazon.com/About-Men-Women-Masculine-Archetypes/dp/0809128136"><i>About Men and Women...</i></a> by Tad and Noreen Guzie back in 1997. In this book the authors explore the Jungian archetypes of "Mother", "Amazon", "Companion", and "Medium" (for women), and "Father", "Warrior", "Seeker", and "Sage" (for men). If you naturally fall into either of the first two archetypal patterns in each group, then you have experienced positive social bias from the beginning and throughout your life. If you naturally fall into the latter two patterns, then you have lived with the opposite; i.e. a negative social bias towards things that would be "fundamental" to your character and your point of view.<br />
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This was a very liberating read for me because I was finally made aware that I happen to be a "Companion/Medium" woman myself. So I have been faced with that <i>negative social bias</i> all of my life (and even especially, within my own family). In addition, popular media has not provided me with role models for what my pattern looks like in a positive and mature form. Instead, I have been faced with role models with which I could not truly identify, or with mostly negative or immature portrayals of my particular archetypal pattern(s). The "Mother" and "Amazon" characterizations express values that are not My Deepest Values and, until I read this book, I just thought there was something wrong with me. I am grateful to the authors for making it clear to me that ALL of these ways, or "archetypal patterns", for expressing feminine and masculine energy are VALID and VALUABLE, as they reflect the realities of life experience for All of Us as Human Beings, just with a different emphasis or primary focus for each. (I will go into that more here shortly.)<br />
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In my earliest years, I imagined what so many other young women (and men) imagine: I would find a good man, get married, have children, and lead a "normal" life. But, when that opportunity presented itself for real, in my late twenties, I realized that it was not The Most Important Goal of My Life. Instead, I was being drawn to know myself better As an Individual, not as a "Mother/Wife" only, and one of the ways I came to that self-awareness and self-understanding was through a wide range of personal life experiences, especially in my relationships with men. <br />
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As some of you may already know, the first 20 years of my life were defined by my relationship with my mother who was eventually diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. I have a TEDx talk on that part of my story: <a href="http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=k4CQQ3VukNs&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3Dk4CQQ3VukNs">"Get Ready: The World Is Waiting"</a>. As a result of that relationship, the range of my early personal exploration and experience was very limited. In those first 20 years I identified myself as a Christian, even a "devout" Christian - after all, my mother and I were "prophets sent here to save the world." Going through my early teens, apart from my relationship with my mother, my interests and close relationships were mostly with "non-humans": turtles, fish, dogs, cats, rabbits, hamsters, lizards, snakes, earthworms, etc. I even remember keeping a Praying Mantis for a while. My mother would let me keep just about any critter I wanted, as long as I could figure out how to get them to eat. For the Praying Mantis...it was refried beans on the middle of a toothpick!<br />
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I haven't thought about it until now, but even though I took these animals in and "cared for them" as a "nurturer", it was in a more "Companioning" way; i.e. I wanted to know about them as individual species. I read books that I got from the library, and then I would accommodate their needs based on what I learned. I did not gain a lot of self-esteem based on how much they depended on me. I related with them to better understand them. Later in life, this would be the same approach I would take with men, and if my having the opportunity to relate with them was dependent on my meeting certain of their needs (expressed or unexpressed), then I was more than willing to do that (sometimes a little too willing). But meeting those needs was not a way of encouraging or supporting dependency. It was simply one aspect of my relating with them as individuals and (hopefully) as "equals" (though, as it turned out, my ability to take care of myself And take care of them often outweighed their abilities to reciprocate).<br />
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So, according to the authors of <i>About Men and Women...</i> how is that different from the way a "Mother" might approach a relationship with a man, in this "interpersonal" realm of relating to others?<br />
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"Mothers" identify with and conform themselves to the "role" of "Mother" as "caretaker of those in need" and as the role is more specifically defined by tradition and culture. Furthermore, most true "Mother" types gain a boost in self-esteem having people depending on them (although, too many dependencies can become overwhelming, if they are not careful). Nevertheless, "Mothers", like being "in control", and they like the <i>status</i> that motherhood holds for them in society.<br />
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The primary focus of the role of "Mother" is <i>not</i> on the father of her children, but on the children themselves. In other words, and this seems especially true for modern western society, the "Mother" role has taken on much more emphasis than the "Wife/Companion" role for women in relationship to the men with whom they conceive children. Granted, cultural norms shift over time, but, currently, through its welfare programs, the State has actually taken over many of the traditional functions that "Fathers" use to fulfill. The role of "Mother" is now seen by the State, legally and otherwise, as more vital than the role of "Father" when it comes to raising children. As a consequence, there are more and more "Father" types in the world who are not getting to express that archetype, no matter how much it might naturally define their character. Furthermore, there are many more women who never learn to relate on <i>equal terms</i> with other adults who <i>do not depend on them for care</i>.<br />
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In contrast, "Companion" women do not automatically relate to a man as a potential "husband" and/or "father" with all of those expectations and qualities significantly defined by social norms. She is not just looking for a "sperm donor" so that she can conceive and bear children whom she can then "Mother". "Companion" women are interested in men mainly as individuals with whom they can share a variety of life experiences (including sexual experiences), and as <i>equals</i>. Typical "Companion" women pride themselves on their ability to adapt, to become a "good companion" for their partner, whatever his interests might be. <br />
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Within this "interpersonal" sphere of relationships, where "Mothers" and "Fathers" orient themselves towards the pre-defined, or traditional roles they play (or are allowed to play) <i>within the collective</i> of society, "Companion" women (and their counterparts, "Seeker" men) are oriented more towards themselves and others as <i>unique individuals</i>, and they develop their own identities over time, sometimes a very long time, rather than simply following (or falling into) the roles that have already been defined for them by society. The evidence (or propaganda) of these role definitions for "Mothers" and "Fathers" is prevalent in modern media, as it has been throughout history, while one would be hard-pressed, as I have been, to find the same clear (and/or positive) role modeling for "Companions" and "Seekers".<br />
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Although there are, of course, more extensive descriptions in the book, there are a couple of other things I want to add here concerning "Companion" women and "Seeker" men as parents: 1) Because those "Mother" and "Father" images are so prevelant in society, many "Companion" women and "Seeker" men, may at least try to conform their lives to those expecations, even when it is not natural, or even the "right" thing for them to do, especially early in their lives when they are usually not very stable, moving from job to job and relationship to relationship, as they are "figuring themselves out"; and 2) If "Companion" women or "Seeker" men do decide to have children, they will usually relate to their children as <i>individuals</i> rather than as <i>members of the family/social unit</i>. In addition, they typically do not look to their children to define their own status in society, since most "Companion" women and "Seeker" men really don't care what others, what "society" thinks of them in the first place. They can, however, run into "problems", if they end up giving birth to "Mother" or "Father" type children, for whom such things <i>will</i> hold more significance and value. Although there are no studies that I know of to make an analysis, my intuition is that, for whatever reasons, the archetypal patterns run pretty deep, and may not be shaped so much by environment. In other words, the parents' archetypal patterns are not necessarily going to be duplicated in their children, and the fact that the opposite is often true makes for much misunderstanding, confusion, and conflict within families and from generation to generation.<br />
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So what about the differences between "Amazons" and "Warriors", "Mediums" and "Sages"?<br />
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Where what I have written previously focuses on <i>interpersonal</i> relating, these other archetypes focus more on how one relates with respect to the "plane" of <i>The World</i>. Where our interpersonal relationships span the continuum between the "Collective" and the "Individual", the Plane of the World, spans the continuum between the "Material" and the "Spiritual" (or non-material) aspects of our experience. Consequently, it is normal for one's character to be identified by two archetypes that are adjacent, but not opposite one another; i.e. for women - "Mother/Amazon", "Mother/Medium", "Companion/Amazon", or "Companion/Medium"; and for men - "Father/Warrior", "Father/Sage", "Seeker/Warrior", or "Seeker/Sage". Furthermore, even within those pairings, one may be more identified with one archetype than the other. <br />
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Nevertheless, the basic idea is that we all have to interact interpersonally and within the broader world, so there are going to be certain patterns we naturally <i>tend towards</i> in each case. Furthermore, depending on your level of self-awareness, which archetypes you identify with may be more or less obvious to you - and, granted, there is plenty of room for variation along the continuums. But, usually, if you have to choose, there are going to be certain values that you will focus on over others, and that is how your archetype is defined or how your archetype defines you (until you become self-aware enough to possibly grow beyond its potential limitations).<br />
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I can pretty much bet as soon as you saw the terms "Amazon" and "Warrior," there were images coming to mind, "Xena - Warrior Princess", or "Wonder Woman", or Arnold Schwarzenegger in any number of his film roles.<br />
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You may also fairly quickly realize that just about anyone who has "made it" - as a rock star, politician, professional athlete, etc., etc., both male and female, by necessity have to have the will and <i>ambition</i> to be a "success" <i>in the material world</i>. In fact, this is a key characteristic of "Amazon" and "Warrior" types: They Thrive On Competition! They <i>thrive</i> on receiving the acknowledgment of others for their "accomplishments", on their obvious, visible <i>material</i> successes.<br />
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But, our "World" is not being driven solely by competition. The truth is: There is a lot of <i>cooperation</i> that is also critical for anyone in this world to ultimately be a <i>material</i> success. Think of all of the stage hands who have to cooperate to help a rock star put on a show? Think of all of the interns and advisors who work together to carry out a successful political campaign. Think of all of the physical therapists and trainers and water boys and ball girls who support competing athletes. All these people are like the roots of a plant that go about their business quietly, underground, but what we ultimately give our attention to is the plant that "breaks through" to the surface, to "bask in the sun".<br />
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These "root beings" are characterized in the archetypes of female "Mediums" and male "Sages". "Mediums" or "Mediumistic Women" and "Sage" men tend to be those who are most empathetic, most sensitive to the <i>invisible/emotional/spiritual</i> aspects of human life and experience. That is part of the reason why they are not inclined to <i>compete</i> with others because...Losing Hurts! And why would they want to go through that painful experience themselves, OR inflict it on someone else with whom they will invariably empathize. In other words, if they lose they feel their own pain, if they win they will feel the pain of loss experienced by the other person! So, in most cases, competition is, emotionally, a "no win" situation for "Mediumistic" women and "Sage" men.<br />
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However, this is not to say they are not <i>ambitious</i>. Quite the contrary, they can be very ambitious when it comes to how well they learn to empathize with and understand themselves and others. They will strive to be "superior" human beings...when it comes to certain mental, emotional, philosophical, and/or spiritual "goals". However, their "successes" are most often experienced <i>internally</i>, not externally, and those successes generally do not require validation from others in order to be meaningful to the person experiencing them. Again, like roots growing underground, too much "sun" can actually inhibit their functioning.<br />
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Again, as the author's of <i>About Men and Women...</i> explain, and as I hope I have made more clear here, ALL of these archetypal patterns are Valid and Necessary expressions of human beings who exist equally as individuals and as parts of the collectives of their social groups and societies, and as human beings who live in a world that includes both material and non-material aspects. However, I do not think the bias that has developed in favor of some of the archetypes and against others was ever truly intentional. It has just "worked out" that way. The species could not have perpetuated itself if it were not for "Mothers" and "Fathers", and all of the traditional/cultural elements that support long-term stability for society as a whole. And clearly, it was important, especially early in our evolution, that "the strongest survived" in order to fend off all of the other potential threats to hearth and home (such as animal predators). <br />
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However, today, the potential range of human experience has expanded exponentially. No longer is one bound to live a life where bearing children is a necessary focal point. As most people know, the human species is doing just fine at reproducing as there are still plenty of "Mothers" and "Fathers" out there who are more than happy to engage in and express those valid and necessary patterns. However, culturally, there is now more freedom for "Companions" and "Seekers" to use their entire lives, if they so choose, simply exploring all aspects of their own nature and, in the broader sense, what it means to be "a human being" <i>apart from</i> the obvious reproductive and cultural aspects.<br />
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Also, as people like <a href="http://www.wayseermanifesto.com/">Garret John Loporto originator of the "Wayseers" movement</a> has pointed out: Some of the greatest advances of human culture have come from Un-Conventional, Non-Traditional, <i>Individual</i>, "Free Thinkers" - people who did not easily fall into culturally prescribed roles. I think his basic idea of these advances in society coming from the interaction of "Uprisers" and "Stabilizers" is a valid one, which also highlights the distinct play of "opposing" archetypes, especially the dynamic play between "Mothers" and "Fathers", "Companions", and "Seekers".<br />
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Finally, where we have managed to ever-so-successfully compete in and dominate the "material world", now...now...our problems are more <i>root</i>-like. Now, it is much more obvious that we are fighting over beliefs, ideas, and ideologies, those "invisible" parts of our human experience that ultimately mold our outward behavior. More outwad, obvious, technological advances are, ultimately, not going to save us. In fact, our advances in producing weapons of mass destruction have brought us to the brink of self-annihilation.<br />
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No. I would dare say the hope of humanity no longer lies with the "Warriors" and the "Amazons" - at least, not the traditional ones. No, I think we are moving into the age when the "Mediums" and "Sages" are going to have to do more to show themselves and to let their so important and necessary <i>internal</i> and <i>underground</i> work be seen by others. It is interesting to me that advances in technology, especially The Internet, have made it possible for the usually introverted and shy philosophers-sages and mediumistic women to offer up their gifts...as they can do it from the privacy and even the anonymity of their own "dark closets" where they do their best work! (Again, keep in mind the metaphor of the "roots" that generally do not do well when overexposed to the "sun"!)<br />
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As for myself, personally, I took some advice from the authors of <i>About Men and Women...</i> and made a determined commitment not only to mature as a "Companion/Medium" woman, but also to consciously "explore my opposite archetypes".<br />
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When I joined the U.S. Navy, nearly 14 years ago now, I knew I would be putting myself in an environment that would be heavily populated by "Mother" and especially "Amazon" type women. Furthermore, I was really "coming out of the closet" by having to be closely associated with other human beings, day in and day out. There were very, very few times I was alone, especially when I was deployed on the aircraft carrier, USS George Washington. During one of my deployments, I became overwhelmed by all of the emotional content I was <i>absorbing</i> from so many other people through my natural, "Mediumistic" tendency to empathize deeply. But...I learned something Very Valuable from that experience: Of Necessity (because I simply could not continue to effectively function in that environment otherwise), I learned how to <i>adjust the "radar" down a few notches</i>. I learned how to have more Conscious Control over my emotional sensitivity towards others. Now I feel about as comfortable "out in the world" as I do "in my closet", and by being "out in the world", I have been able to speak more openly to others in support of, and seeking better understanding and recognition for, people like myself.<br />
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The very fact that I now have the will, and "backbone", the "ambition", to pursue my writing more purposefully, and, not to mention, to <a href="http://theblueturtleblog.blogspot.com/">ride my bicycle across the country</a>, is a testimony to the fact that I have not only matured as a "Companion/Medium" woman in my own right, but I have gained a great deal from my experiences "on the other side" - as an "Amazon/Sailor" with the U.S. Navy, as a competitive cyclist for a very brief period during my shore duty in Maryland, and as a marathon and half-marathon runner. No, there was never a complete "conversion", but I learned what I needed to learn to at least bring myself closer to the "middle point" between all of those archetypal extremes. And I have decided, that is a very good place for me to be!<br />
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Unfortunately, this is not the case with many, if not most, other people. As the authors of <i>About Men and Women...</i> point out, there is a natural antipathy between opposite archetypes. Furthermore, some "Mothers" and "Fathers", "Amazons" and "Warriors" still think that: a) Theirs are the Only Valid archetypes (and this presumption is greatly supported by the media), and b) Their ways of expressing feminine and masculine energy are the only "right" or "moral" ways to do so!<br />
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And therein lies a Big Problem, especially if you happen to more naturally express those "other" archetypes. As I said, for the first 32 years of my life I thought something was fundamentally "wrong" with me. Furthermore, I had no way of knowing how a <i>mature</i> "Companion" or "Mediumistic" woman was supposed to act. But, I did know, after reading <i>About Men and Women...</i> that I would eventually be writing about this, just as I have done here. <br />
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And now, I am very comfortable being Exactly Who I Am because I Know Just How Important the Role Is that I Now Have to Play in This World, especially at this critical time in our history. At the same time...I respect the roles that are also being lived by my "opposites" - "Mother" and "Amazon" women - and All of the roles that are also being lived by men. My highest hope and motivation for writing (this blog-post in particular) is that: a) we would all learn what <i>mature</i> expressions of each of those archetypal patterns looks like and aspire to the highest level of maturity we can achieve as individuals, and b) that Everyone Else (besides me) also start to recognize and value those people who express archetypes that are "opposite" from their own.<br />
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I feel Very, Very Strongly about this issue. Just as with understanding the play of "anima" and "animus" between men and women, I feel it is also crucial that more people in the world come to a better understanding of these basic, patterned expressions of masculine and feminine energy and consciousness. Once you start to see these patterns in yourself and others, you will also start to see the way they are affecting our experiences in the world as a whole... for better and for worse.<br />
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The Key, as in so many areas of Life Experience, is Finding the Right Balance, between "Mothers" and "Companions", "Amazons" and "Mediums", "Fathers" and "Seekers", "Warriors" and "Sages". Again, and I do not think I can emphasize this strongly enough (so I'm using every tool in the box here): <i><b>ALL OF THESE ARCHETYPAL PATTERNS ARE VALID AND VALUABLE EXPRESSIONS OF HUMAN CONSCIOUSNESS</b></i>!<br />
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(Please understand my descriptions here are by no means exhaustive. Reading <a href="http://www.amazon.com/About-Men-Women-Masculine-Archetypes/dp/0809128136"><i>About Men and Women...</i></a> will definitely help round out your knowledge and understanding! It is one of my Most Highly Recommended Books of All Time, and another one of my "Favorite Books Under 200 Pages"! I will also willingly answer any questions and respond to comments. This is probably not the only blog I will end up writing on this topic.)Lori Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17705706227685359532noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1988282393759072158.post-26281630708083106212013-02-17T16:46:00.000-05:002013-05-10T08:53:34.734-04:00Faith of Our Fathers...and Mothers...and OthersI want to offer this as a very brief follow-up to my previous blog.<br />
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It's kind of personal, but something tells me it may "strike home" with some of you, maybe even many of you.<br />
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I've been a bit of a gypsy in my life. Prone to shifting my circumstances pretty readily. I joined the carnival when I was 23, ended up in Montana for seven years, lived in Kauai for a while, England, Colorado, then joined the Navy for eight years finishing my tour of duty on the east coast with a follow-up of about four years working for the Federal Government in some capacity or another.<br />
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And then I decided to ride my bicycle across the country! Now I'm enjoying Santa Barbara, CA and getting ready to re-start my trip this spring.<br />
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During all of these years, my father has told he "loves me" but he "worries about me". At the same time, he's never been one to initiate much contact with me. I'm sorry to say he has not been inclined to "make the effort" to do that. It's always been me calling him.<br />
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My mother, well, ever since I started disagreeing with her point of view of my father and "everything else" she's thought (at various times) there was something "wrong with my mind", and she has been concerned that I stopped "following Jesus". In other words, she "worries" about me, too.<br />
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I mean no disrespect to either of my parents. They are who they are and I know they've been doing the best they can knowing what they know. And it is not like I came into this world knowing what I know now, or even what I have come to better understand in the last few weeks even.<br />
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Nevertheless, neither of my parents have ever taken much time to really get to know me as I am. When I've been at my father's house, along with my step-mother and step-relatives, and my two sisters I've usually spent most of my time listening to the stories of their lives. Nobody has ever really asked me much about mine. I kind of wonder if any of them are reading these blogs.<br />
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In contrast, there is a couple in Tennessee, my German professor from Tennessee Tech and his wife, who became like "adoptive" parents to me in my early 20's. Whenever I visit them, it is an almost endless barrage of questions! I have frequently visited them on my way to or from Kentucky where my father and step-mother live, and several years ago I really noticed the striking difference.<br />
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Now, it may be that due to the other dynamics of my family and our history together, that there are other reasons why my relatives don't really want to know what's going on in my life. They may feel any "problems" might have something to do with them, i.e. how they have or have not related to me over the years, but I've never really felt that way. It would have been nice to be able to share all of my "successes" in spite of the challenging history, but that has really not been much of an option, either. And, maybe their perception of what is "success" is different from mine.<br />
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What I have realized most recently though is what I have really wanted from my family was a little "rational faith" in me, a little "faith" in my ability to take care of myself, <i>based on the evidence of my life</i>. Again, though, maybe their view of "success" is too different from mine, so they don't see the evidence of my adaptability and my courage to take on new challenges, to freely uproot myself and try something new. They don't see those things as positive qualities in me.<br />
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As I have thought about this more, I have begun to think that when it comes to parents relating with their children, faith plays a pivotal role. As a parent, can you trust that your child is being guided by their own inner core and Life Purpose, or do you feel you have to make a lot of decisions about all of that for them? <br />
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By all means, young children need "care" - they need the effort of love that provides for their basic biological and psychological needs - food, clothing, shelter, protection. Parents need to know what to expect from their children at various stages of development, so they will also know their child's potentials and limits, and challenge the child accordingly in terms of reaching their highest potential at any given stage. This is where close and <i>objective</i> observation (free of <a href="http://thebluemoonturtleblog.blogspot.com/2013/01/reflections-on-projections-part-3_21.html">parental "projections"</a>) is so important. The best parents will make the effort to pay attention to their child, to ask them questions, to help them come to a better understanding of themselves, their likes and dislikes, what is important to them. The parent must provide appropriate "boundaries" and recognize when the child can handle a greater level of responsibility for themselves at each stage of their development.<br />
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It is in this way, the parent develops a Rational Basis of Faith in their child, and their child's increasing ability to take care of themselves, to make more and more decisions for themselves, to take on more and more of the responsibilities of daily life.<br />
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If that <i>faith</i> is lacking, then it is much more likely that the child will struggle, even long into their adulthood, with having Faith in Themselves, and, therefore, the will to accept the ever increasing challenges, that require <i>effort</i> as part of being a human being in this world.<br />
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I have come to the conclusion that, where I have in the past considered the need of each of us as children for <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k4CQQ3VukNs">"unconditional love"</a>, I now think Rational Faith might be even more important, and that is what we also have to offer to one another, based on our actual <i>knowledge</i> of each other as that develops in the course of our relating.<br />
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Yes, it is also possible to come to a place of having Rational Faith in oneself without ever receiving it from others. But then again, sometimes, it can make all the difference. Imagine a young man in a classroom whose teacher told him, "You're a good writer" when he wasn't so sure about that himself. That man may go on to write books that could very well help change the world.<br />
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I am grateful to all of the people in my life who have expressed their confidence, their "faith" in me as well. It has helped me to be willing to persevere, even during the rough times, and now with this Clearer Understanding at least from my current point of view, I'm looking forward to "Spreading the Faith" to others!Lori Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17705706227685359532noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1988282393759072158.post-61488617889535816042013-02-15T14:51:00.001-05:002013-03-16T14:39:40.940-04:00The Role of Faith in Life and LoveI'm feeling excited today, the day after Valentine's Day. I took the day "off" yesterday, resting my legs as I've been on my bicycle for most days over the last month, and I needed the rest...but my mind and heart were still "busy".<br />
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During the course of my consideration of <a href="http://thebluemoonturtleblog.blogspot.com/2013/02/sowhat-does-love-feel-likefor-real.html">"Love as Effort"</a>, I shared the basic ideas with my friend, <a href="http://benralston.blogspot.com/">Ben Ralston</a>. With regards to being willing to make the effort involved with "self-love", to be willing to do the "work" of self-understanding, etc., he responded as follows:<br />
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"I think there's a conundrum/paradox there, too. In order to make the effort towards working through our 'stuff' (so that we can be love and experience the peace you mention) there must be a certain amount of self-love, right? So what comes first, chicken or egg?"<br />
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Yesterday, I think I got the best "answer" I've had so far, and, again it is going to challenge some widely held beliefs.<br />
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First of all, even I have been tuned-in to and aware of the idea that "Love is the opposite of fear." Ben's video a while back about <a href="http://youtu.be/DdZ0OCxVdFk">"How to Be Love"</a> really spoke to that in me, as that is how I have been oriented in my own life for a long time now. However, other personal experiences at the time were beginning to challenge this idea, and those challenges eventually brought me to the conclusion that "Love" actually <i>feels like</i> Effort (the subject of the blog linked above). Nevertheless, I had to take seriously his question, "Which comes first?"<br />
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As I have continued to <i>feel into</i> <u>and</u> <i>think about</i> this, I have come to the following intuition/feeling/theory: Faith is what is necessary before we are willing to expend the Effort of Love. Faith may be naive or it may be rational, with the latter being the more mature and conscious of the two. Rational Faith takes Evidence into consideration, objective data, which is not always easy to obtain, especially where "projections" (of shadow, anima, and/or animus) are concerned.<br />
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Recall from <a href="http://thebluemoonturtleblog.blogspot.com/2013/01/regarding-anima-and-animus-possession.html">this blog</a> for instance: <br />
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"The anima not only interferes with a man's emotional reactions, she can interfere with his thinking as well. For instance, when a man is anima-possessed he may begin to give forth <i>opinions</i> instead of genuine thinking. It is as though the anima begins to talk right through him, and she expresses herself as though she had an animus, which means she expresses opinions without regard to facts, relationship, or logic. When a man is in this state of mind he begins to argue in a peevish way, and his masculine objectivity is quite lost in a sea of emotionally toned and irrational opinions that prove resistant to reasonable discussion...<br />
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In summary, Sanford offers: "...[T]he anima can poison a man's consciousness and rob him of himself should he fall for her insinuations...a man can prevent the negative anima from having this destructive influence on him...by making her conscious." (<a href="http://www.amazon.com/The-Invisible-Partners-Affects-Relationships/dp/0809122774"><i>Invisible Partners...</i></a>Pp. 35-43).<br />
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However, once one becomes more "self-aware" by integrating shadow, anima and/or animus, one can also be more Objective in one's observations, and therefore more capable of Rational Faith - which can be an amazingly strong foundation for the Will to Love, the Desire to Expend energy on behalf of oneself, others, and the benefit of the World.<br />
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As Erich Fromm writes in <a href="http://www.amazon.com/The-Art-Loving-Erich-Fromm/dp/0061129739"><i>The Art of Loving</i></a>: <br />
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"The ability to love depends on one's capacity to emerge from narcissism, and from the incestuous fixation to mother and clan; it depends on our capacity to grow, to develop a productive orientation in our relationship toward the world and ourselves. This process of emergence, of birth, of waking up, requires one quality as a necessary condition: <i>faith</i>. The practice of the art of loving requires the practice of faith.<br />
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"What is faith? Is faith necessarily a matter of belief in God, or in religious doctrine? Is faith by necessity in contrast to, or divorced from, reason and rational thinking? Even to begin to understand the problem of faith one must differentiate between <i>rational</i> and irrational faith. By irrational faith I understand the belief (in a person or an idea) which is based on one's submission to irrational authority. In contrast, rational faith is conviction which is rooted in one's own experience of thought or feeling. Rational faith is not primarily belief in something, but the quality of certainty and firmness which our convictions have. Faith is a character trait pervading the whole personality, rather than a specific belief.<br />
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"Rational faith is rooted in productive intellectual and emotional activity. In rational thinking, in which faith is supposed to have no place, rational faith is an important component. How does the scientist, for instance, arrive at a new discovery? Does he start with making experiment after experiment, gathering fact after fact, without having a vision of what he expects to find?....<br />
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"....At every step from the conception of a rational vision to the formulation of a theory, <i>faith</i> is necessary: faith in the vision as a rationally valid aim to pursue, faith in the hypothesis as a likely and plausible proposition, and faith in the final theory, at least until a general consensus about its validity has been reached. This faith is rooted in one's own experience, in the confidence in one's power of thought, observation, and judgment. While irrational faith is the acceptance of something as true only <i>because</i> an authority [and don't forget <i>parents</i> in this category] or the majority say so, rational faith is rooted in an independent conviction based upon one's own productive observing and thinking, <i>in spite of</i> the majority's opinion.<br />
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"Thought and judgment are not the only realm of experience in which rational faith is manifested. In the sphere of human relations, faith is an indispensable quality of any significant friendship or love. 'Having faith' in another person means to be certain of the reliability and unchangeability of his fundamental attitudes, of the core of his personality, of his love. By this I do not mean that a person may not change his opinions, but that his basic motivations remain the same; that, for instance, his respect for life and human dignity is part of himself, not subject to change.<br />
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"In the same sense we have faith in ourselves. We are aware of the existence of a self, of a core in our personality which is unchangeable and which persists throughout our life in spite of varying circumstances, and regardless of certain changes in opinions and feelings. It is this core which is the reality behind the word 'I', and on which our conviction of our own identity is based. Unless we have faith in the persistence of our self, our feeling of identity is threatened and we become dependent on other people whose approval then becomes the basis for our feeling of identity. Only the person who has faith in himself is able to be faithful to others, because only he can be sure that he will be the same at a future time as he is today, and therefore, that he will feel and act as he now expects to. Faith in oneself is a condition of our ability to promise, and since, as Nietzsche said, man can be defined by his capacity to promise, faith is one of the conditions of human existence. What matters in relation to love is the faith in one's own love; in its ability to produce love in others, and in its reliability." (Pp.112-114)<br />
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As, I have pointed out in the last blog, where "Love = Effort", one must have faith in one's capacity to exert effort in relationship to what one intends, what one "promises", and one must be pretty self-aware to know one's capacities and limitations, so as not to promise something one cannot give. At the same time, becoming self-aware often involves pushing oneself beyond one's limits in order to have a better sense of what those limits actually are. As an example, I know my plans for my <a href="http://theblueturtleblog.blogspot.com/">bike trip</a> have taken many twists and turns in the details, but I was able to stick to the "major objective" and reaching that objective (by completing my bike trip this summer) is still my "intention" and therefore, my "promise" to myself and others. I still have "faith" in myself and "faith" in the support of others as they have been supporting me from the beginning, and therefore, I am continuing to "make the effort" to reach that final goal.<br />
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I would also offer, however, that faith does play a major role in our willingness to persist in a relationship. Everyone comes into their relationships with a certain "vision" of how that relationship might evolve, what is potential in that relationship, and our expectations may be more or less appropriate. As I have pointed out in several previous blogs here, especially those concerning our expectations surrounding "romantic love" (<a href="http://thebluemoonturtleblog.blogspot.com/2011/11/understanding-psychology-of-romantic_6411.html">here</a> and <a href="http://thebluemoonturtleblog.blogspot.com/2012/02/understanding-psychology-of-romantic.html">here</a>), so many of our expectations are <u>in</u>-appropriate, and <u>un</u>-reasonable. When our partners are unable to live up to those unreasonable expectations, when we become disappointed, then we "lose faith". We may "lose faith" in that particular partner, that particular relationship, and move on with "faith" in some future possibility, without ever re-evaluating our expectations. Or, we may, eventually "lose faith" altogether, and give up on ever finding satisfaction in an intimate relationship.<br />
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However, <i>if we are wise</i>, if we continue to have <i>faith</i> in ourselves and others, we may "make the effort" with each life experience to come to a better understanding of ourselves and of others. I am hoping with my writing here to help with that understanding because with <i>better understanding</i> <u>Faith Can Be Renewed</u> and with <u>Renewed Faith</u> we can be more motivated to <u>Love</u> - to continue to <i>Make the Effort</i> to learn and to grow in our relationships with ourselves and with others.<br />
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And that leads to another "equation" of sorts: Understanding --> (leads to) Rational Faith which --> The Will to Love (and Learn) which --> More Understanding which --> More Rational Faith which --> An Even Greater Will to Love, etc., etc.<br />
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For instance, I heard a broadcast of an interview with <a href="http://theawareshow.com/understanding-communication-between-men-and-women-3/">Alison Armstrong</a> on Lisa Garr's "Aware Radio Show" the other day. I am still "processing", but I think I came away from that with just a little more understanding of men and women. <br />
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I am going to keep <i>working</i> on this consideration of the differences between men and women, as well as what is necessary to understand and to practice in order to have healthy, functional, satisfying interpersonal relationships. I guess you could say this has been a "core" focus of my life! Furthermore, because I have developed some <i>Rational Faith</i> in my ability to understand, and even to add, from my own "core", insights that have helped me and may also help others develop greater self- and other understanding, I am going to continue to <i>make the effort</i> to further my understanding, to put into practice what I learn, and to communicate to others.<br />
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And you can <i>count on</i> that!Lori Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17705706227685359532noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1988282393759072158.post-47464613645380983182013-02-11T14:15:00.000-05:002015-11-02T22:49:46.457-05:00So...What Does Love FEEL Like...For Real? - UpdateIn light of recent considerations, I would like to state that I no longer believe "oxytocin" is the "Love Hormone". Instead, I have come to identify it as the "Faith Hormone". We are willing to "commit" to relationships, either naively or rationally, based on our "faith" in those relationships. For instance, a mother and father will <i>make the effort</i> to care for their child, a very challenging and energy demanding endeavor, because they have <i>faith</i> that their efforts will be worthwhile, that their child will grow up to be healthy, happy, "successful", etc. (whatever the parents' ideas of "success" might be). The child will submit to be cared for, will respond positively (with smiles, etc.), in part based on the "faith" it develops in its parents as its basic needs are being met consistently. <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erikson%27s_stages_of_psychosocial_development">Erik Erikson</a> suggests that the crisis of "Basic Trust vs. Basic Mistrust" is the very first crisis of human psychosocial development. It also happens to be that when a child is nursing, both the child and the mother experience elevated levels of oxytocin (see link below). (There is quite a bit of research out there on what happens when oxytocin does Not work properly. Here is one such study on its possible role in <a href="http://www.nature.com/npp/journal/v28/n1/full/1300021a.html">Autism and Asperger's</a>.)<br />
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Am I just "mincing words" here? I don't think so. Towards the goal of becoming more fully "Self-Aware" as human beings, and given everything I have already written about here, especially with regards to the pitfalls of "Romantic Love" (see links below), and even as a burgeoning understanding and "awakening" in my own life, I know very directly how this is positively affecting me and my relationships, and I can only hope (or "have faith") that this "clarification" could have a positive effect on others as well, and that is why I am "making the effort" to write (and re-write) about it here.<br />
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For now though, I will leave the blog below intact. This forum is a "process" place for me and I have already realized how my perspectives and/or paradigms have shifted over the course of my posts here. But, I'm okay with others observing the process as well as the "conclusions" and "clarifications" along the way.<br />
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Now back to the original post...<br />
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In previous blogs, especially <a href="http://thebluemoonturtleblog.blogspot.com/2012/02/understanding-psychology-of-romantic.html">Understanding the Psychology of Romantic Love - Part II</a>, and more recently, <a href="http://thebluemoonturtleblog.blogspot.com/2013/01/reflections-on-projections-part-3_21.html">Reflections on Projections - Part 3</a>, I have tried to present and support the idea that much of what we interpret as "feelings of love" are actually related more to spontaneously generated emotional/biochemical patterns. For instance, <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oxytocin">oxytocin</a> is sometimes referred to as the "love hormone", as it plays a major part in "bonding" not only between mother and child, but later between adults who are looking to "mate". It so happens that <a href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/made-each-other/201005/dog-good">dogs</a> and other mammals also produce oxytocin, and that humans and animals bond with one another in part because of the mutual stimulation of oxytocin during their interactions. The bottom line is this: Oxytocin "feels good", and we tend to continue interacting with people who stimulate oxytocin production in us, making us "feel good" when we are around them. Of course, over time this "stimulating effect" may dissipate...significantly...and thus we "fall out of love" and move on to the next person who "stimulates" us.<br />
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Before I continue, I want to share from recent reading of <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Guide-Perplexed-E-F-Schumacher/dp/0060906111"><i>A Guide for the Perplexed</i></a> by E.F. Schumacher. In this book, Schumacher presents a consideration of "Four Great Levels of Being" as follows:<br />
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Level 1 = inanimate matter (i.e. elements) = no response ability, merely acted upon by external forces<br />
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Level 2 = plants = elements + life = limited response ability, interaction with sunlight and immediate environment<br />
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Level 3 = animals = elements + life + consciousness = greater response ability and some capacity for instinctually patterned manipulation of environment<br />
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Level 4 = humans = elements + life + consciousness + self-awareness (in varying degrees) = significantly expanded response ability and capacity for self-direction and manipulation of the environment*<br />
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What I would like to offer here is that when we are experiencing the "spontaneously generated emotional/biochemical patterns" that I refer to above, this is a <i>biologically based</i> experience; i.e. a "Level 3" experience. In most cases, it has nothing to do with Self-Aware Conscious Choice, i.e. Level 4 functioning. With regards to the production of oxytocin, we will bond with animals and they with us in much the same way we may bond with other human beings. In both cases, there is really <i>no conscious effort involved</i>.<br />
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And yet, to fulfill the possibility of our <i>human</i> nature, especially our capacity for Self-Awareness, and Self-Direction, we have to be capable of more than just a biologically-based, stimulus-response relationship to our environment and to each other. And that, my friends, takes Effort.<br />
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From my current point of view, that is actually what "Love" <i>Feels Like</i>; i.e. it <i>feels like</i> <u>Effort</u>. Furthermore, Life and Love "work" in much the same way.<br />
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Consider the following Basic Theory: Life = Love = Conscious Effort = Labor = Work = The "Counter Effort" to "Resistance" and/or "tendency" and/or "inertia" (biological and psychic patterns that tend to persist or play out in certain ways without conscious choice).<br />
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There are tendencies in the elements to be "flying apart" and yet there are forces that also counter those tendencies to help "hold them together". It takes a lot of "holding together" to make a molecule, even more, to make a cell, even more "holding together" to make a colony, etc., etc. This is the Integrative Quality of Life and I would also offer that it is the integrative quality of Real Love as well.<br />
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When Life manifests in a plant, it moves the plant to push up against the dirt that covers it as well as to sink its roots down into the ground. Life gives the animal the will to live, the will to seek out food and shelter, to expend its energy, to work, to survive, for as long as it can.<br />
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It is only in humans that the "Will of Life" (and Love) can be frustrated. It is only in humans that we encounter internal resistance to work, effort, and emotional/psychological growth. And even though biological growth will operate in many ways on its own, through poor diet, lifestyle, or environmental conditions we can thwart that as well.<br />
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As I have already suggested, part of the problem is that we have the capacity for "memory", self-reflective memory, that (apparently) is significantly different from that of other animals. We "remember" the experiences of <a href="http://thebluemoonturtleblog.blogspot.com/2011/09/biology-of-heaven.html">"no effort"</a> (in the womb), and <a href="http://thebluemoonturtleblog.blogspot.com/2012/12/the-biology-of-omnipotence.html">"omnipotence"</a>" (just outside of the womb). It is our brain's capacity for such "memory" and self-awareness that is part of our "problem". Other animals do not retain such "memories" as best we know. They do not imagine "going back to" those former states of "having all of their needs met with no effort of their own" or, in lieu of that, "being totally in control". They do not perceive "past" and they do not project into the "future". They live more moment to moment. Their consciousness, or conscious awareness is localized to the present moment.<br />
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With human birth comes biological shock and disequilibrium. As we grow and become more identified with (apparently) "separate self" we also come to the realization that we are Not Omnipotent (and neither are our parents); we are not "in control" as we "perceived" ourselves to be initially (and neither are they). As a consequence, we lose our sense of security. We feel completely vulnerable and helpless and we "react" to that.<br />
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I am beginning to suspect, that it is this "sense of" a profound loss of control that is one of the hardest "facts of incarnate life" that we have to face as human beings. Although there is probably a certain amount of "contraction" in response to the "vital shock" of birth, it will be compounded by our "reaction" to Not Being In Control of what we perceive to be "outside" of us and what we seem to remember having control over in the past (although it was only an Illusion). In my observation, much of life after this becomes, not necessarily a "struggle for power", as Thucydides describes it, but a "struggle for control", as it may (supposedly) give us a sense of security, which is not exactly the same. Power may be expressed in both positive and negative ways, but, so often, it is expressed in efforts to control others. (Of course, being no different from ourselves, others will also be trying to control us.)<br />
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It is also important to understand that part of our patterning almost invariably involves repressing aspects of ourselves and especially the full play of our emotions. For instance, if the only way I can control my mother's or father's attention (because as a child I sense that my life depends on it) is to "put on a happy face", to be "pleasing" to them, then I might repress my feelings of anger, fear, and frustration. Or, on the other hand, maybe my parents only pay attention to me when I am upset, so I repress my joy, and instead control them with my anger and temper tantrums. (Keep in mind though, children up to the age of seven or eight are not really "conscious" in the same sense as adults, as they are in varying degrees of what is referred to as a "hypnogogic state"; i.e. they are functioning as if they were under hypnosis, so they are merely patterning from a more biological place of "stimulus and response", even more so than adults. These "hypnogogic states" of infancy and early childhood are described more clearly in Bruce Lipton's book, <a href="http://www.amazon.com/The-Biology-Belief-Unleashing-Consciousness/dp/1401923127"><i>The Biology of Belief</i></a>.)<br />
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If our parents are overly permissive, we may become more domineering ourselves, and repress our own capacity for submission, even though, deep down inside, as children, we actually feel more secure when we have boundaries, when we are not left to "fend for ourselves" and/or to figure everything out for ourselves. Nevertheless, in our outward bravado, we are at the same time repressing our feelings of insecurity. On the other hand, our parents may be overly domineering and authoritative, and so we become submissive and, again, with no opportunities to practice being assertive, we are left to feel insecure about our abilities. In the most functional of circumstances, we grow up with appropriate boundaries, that still give us room to develop our own will and self-direction.<br />
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These examples are very general, but across the board, to the degree we have to respond to parental and social expectations, high or low, and most often, <a href="http://thebluemoonturtleblog.blogspot.com/2013/01/reflections-on-projections-part-1.html">exaggerated and inappropriate</a>, some parts of our true selves are going to get repressed. That "activity" starts early on, during the "hypnogogic" stages of early infancy and childhood. Consequently, it takes a great deal of self-awakening and self-awareness and conscious effort to first recognize and then overcome those patterns.<br />
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Finally, as Jung suggests, when we identify with ourselves as either "male" or "female" we start to repress the qualities of the opposite sex. This identification also starts to take place in early childhood (3-1/2 to 4-1/2 years of age), which is still during the "hypnogogic" period. So, again, lots of reactive/repressive activity going on there that gets quickly shunted into the subconscious, which means it is later available for (<a href="http://thebluemoonturtleblog.blogspot.com/2013/01/reflections-on-projections-part-1.html">anima/animus</a>) "projection", which is, again, an unconscious tendency.<br />
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However, if we are able to reach a certain point in our maturing process, we may come to realize that having control over others is not nearly as important (or ultimately satisfying) as having control over ourselves. In <a href="http://www.amazon.com/The-Art-Loving-Erich-Fromm/dp/0061129739"><i>The Art of Loving</i></a> Erich Fromm refers to this shift from "seeking love" to "giving love" or becoming a "producer of love". When we are able to recognize the deep psychic and biological state or activity of "self-contraction" in response to (apparent) separateness and (apparent) loss of control, then we can also learn to Feel Beyond that "pattern-patterning" and instead of directing our effort towards controlling others, and repressing ourselves, we can direct our effort more deliberately towards loving and accepting ourselves (i.e. becoming more Self-Aware) and loving and accepting others (i.e. becoming more Other-Aware).<br />
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Love of self includes the effort of self-understanding. This includes becoming aware of and more accepting of all those elements of oneself that are "tending" to be repressed or exaggerated; i.e. letting all of the balls come to the surface of the water. It means the effort of recognizing "projections" (shadow, anima, and animus) and re-integrating them into one's self-aware consciousness. Again, the <i>work</i> of "integration" is the work of Love (and Life). It also means recognizing one's <a href="http://thebluemoonturtleblog.blogspot.com/2012/07/understanding-basic-human-love-needs.html">needs</a> and what one finds <a href="http://thebluemoonturtleblog.blogspot.com/2012/03/on-sharing-what-is-most-meaningful.html">most meaningful</a> in life, so that proper attention can be given to all of these aspects of "self".<br />
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The love of self includes the necessary effort of seeing to the normal and very real needs of one's physical body. In this regard, and for the most part, in this culture, love of self means working in order to earn money that is then used to buy food, clothing, and shelter. So that work is an effort of self-love. Resistance to such work is reciprocally, a resistance to loving oneself. If one is responsible for children, then working to earn money to pay for food, clothing, and shelter for them is also an expression of that love. Instead of buying food from the store, one could also work to grow a garden to provide food for oneself and/or others, but again, this "effort" would be an expression of one's love for oneself (and/or others). Included in the love of self and taking care of one's body is the effort of getting regular exercise, and since we have successfully managed to reduce physical effort in so many other areas of our lives, it takes even more Deliberate Effort in this culture to meet the body's natural need for physical activity and effort.<br />
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Possibly most important of all is the effort of understanding others. It is within the closest of our interpersonal spheres that so much of what is repressed "comes up" and out and is "projected" and/or exaggerated. It can provoke our "reactivity" on the deepest levels, and yet -- Every effort made to move beyond such "reactivity" and "projection" and "tendency" is an Effort of Love.<br />
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To "fall in love" does not take effort, whether it is <a href="http://thebluemoonturtleblog.blogspot.com/2013/01/reflections-on-projections-part-2.html">"falling in love"</a> with a potential mate, or <a href="http://thebluemoonturtleblog.blogspot.com/2013/01/reflections-on-projections-part-3_21.html">"falling in love"</a> with one's children. In both cases, the real effort is in coming to a full understanding of the other person as they are, and supporting them in more fully realizing whatever human potential lies within them for their own sake, and not just as a means of controlling that potential as it might serve our needs.<br />
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This plays out in the interpersonal sphere, and it plays out in the greater culture as well. I think the main thing I want to make a connection to is the idea that work and effort are rooted in love, they are love expressing itself. And as Fromm also suggests, being able to "concentrate" one's effort produces the highest quality product.<br />
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If you look at what has happened with "mass production" culture it has effectively diminished one's opportunity for intensive work. Trust me, I know, it does not take that much effort to sit at a sewing machine and produce the same action over and over again. It does, however, take much more effort to sew a single garment that fits properly. The difference in Quality is very, very clear.<br />
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We have tried in so many ways to "make life easier" - but, that means we don't have to work as hard and therefore (if my theory holds), we don't have to Love as Deeply, and - surprise, surprise - we are stalled in our development, and many feel the "meaninglessness" of it all. We are frustrated in life and in love. Many people keep expecting either some "Apocalyptic End" or (spontaneous) "Metaphysical Shift". In either case, there's not supposed to be a lot of <u>Real Effort</u> involved in Solving the Problems of Human Existence.<br />
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At the beginning of Chapter 2 of <i>The Art of Loving</i> Fromm suggests, "Love [is] the Answer to the Problem of Human Existence". Substitute "Effort" for "Love" and I'd say the sentence makes just as much, if not more sense. It really is going to take A Lot of Human Effort to solve the problems currently facing all of us. For instance, how many (more) people are willing to forego the convenience of their automobiles and Make the Effort to, say, Ride a Bicycle instead? How many potential parents are willing to forego endless nights of passively watching television and Actually Read A Book on Child Development (or Several Books), before making the Conscious Decision to conceive and raise a child? How many individuals are willing to spend time and effort coming to a better understanding of themselves, of becoming more Fully Self-Aware as an ordinary human being? How many people are willing to make the effort to feel beyond their "reactivity", to recognize and re-integrate their "projections", to recognize when they have become <a href="http://thebluemoonturtleblog.blogspot.com/2013/01/regarding-anima-and-animus-possession.html">anima or animus possessed</a>, and to learn to have more functional relationships with their "significant others"?<br />
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When are we going to appreciate that the <i>Efforts of Love and Life</i> are <b>Actually Present All Around Us</b>? From the seedling reaching for the sun, to the rodent gathering seeds to eat. From the mother who cares for and nurtures her child, while also overcoming her tendencies to hold-on or control. From the worker who gives their full attention to the task at hand, who takes pride in doing the very best job he or she can, to the lover who gives their full attention to knowing and understanding their partner, not as a means to manipulate and control, but because they understand their partner's need to be seen and understood for who they are as an ordinary human being.<br />
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I will offer, that the potential of this "Fourth Level of Being" has not yet been fully realized, in fact, we've barely begun to scratch the surface. And yet, there is great contentment in the Feeling of Being - Fully Self-Aware, even if it does take A Lot of Effort to get there!<br />
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To You, my readers, I say: Thank you for all of your Efforts...and Thank You for taking the time, and Making the Effort, to read this blog. I hope my Efforts in writing it will help keep us all moving in the direction of fully reaching our potential as Human Beings having a Human Experience! <br />
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*Schumacher also suggests there may be a Fifth Level of Being, that of being "perfectly self-aware", and "perfectly self-directed", etc. I will acknowledge, that such a One may actually already exist, that it is the Divine Self in which and from which all and All arises. However, I am no longer inclined to think that we should be striving to Be That One, to attain Perfect Self-Awareness ourselves, necessarily. I think to become a fully Self-Aware Ordinary Human Being is <i>Good Enough</i>. Furthermore, this is the "Level of Being" that has yet to be fully stabilized in the course of evolution on this planet. There are many conscious human beings here, but the degree of Self-Awareness and Self-Direction varies considerably from one person to another. In other words, there is plenty of room for improvement, without making "perfection" or "union with the Divine" our goal. In fact, to make "union" our goal denies the reality of Always Already Present Prior Unity. Consequently, I have begun to hold such "efforts" suspect in part because they could also be a "grasping" for the experience of our earlier pre-natal and post-natal emotional/biochemical states, rather than a functional acceptance and "working within" the actual limitations and actual possibilities of human "Level 4" existence. If there is "Oneness" to be "obtained", then let it be the "Oneness" of fully integrated consciousness within Each of Us as Individual Human Beings, because that is what we are really experiencing ourselves to be. So, why not intensify our <i>efforts</i> to figure out what <b>That</b> is all about?<br />
Lori Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17705706227685359532noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1988282393759072158.post-21961583253389696822013-01-21T22:16:00.000-05:002013-03-03T10:58:06.950-05:00Reflections on Projections - Part 3In <i>The Art of Loving</i> author Erich Fromm has the following to say about "Love Between Parent and Child":<br />
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"The infant, at the moment of birth, would feel the fear of dying, if a gracious fate did not preserve it from an awareness of the anxiety involved in the separation from mother, and from intra-uterine existence. Even after being born, the infant is hardly different from what it was before birth; it cannot recognize objects, it is not yet aware of itself, and of the world as being outside of itself. It only feels the positive stimulation of warmth and food, and it does not yet differentiate warmth and food from its source: mother. Mother <i>is</i> warmth, mother <i>is</i> food, mother <i>is</i> the euphoric state of satisfaction, and security. This state is one of narcissism, to use Freud's term. The outside reality, persons, and things, have meaning only in terms of their satisfying or frustrating the inner state of the body. Real is only what is within; what is outside is real only in terms of my needs-never in terms of its own qualities or needs." (P. 38)<br />
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From my current point of view, I do not entirely agree with what Fromm has communicated here. Given that this book was published in the mid 1950's there was still much to be learned through medical science with regards to the level of awareness or "perception" that an infant might actually have; for instance, that they do actually "perceive" a great deal while still in the womb, and they may feel a great deal of anxiety surrounding the "vital shock" of birth (not to mention circumcision). In addition, I am more inclined to agree with James Fowler when he writes in <i>Stages of Faith</i>, speaking in the "voice" of Jean Piaget that, "If the psychoanalysts speak of this phase as characterized by feelings of narcissistic omnipotence in the child, we must say it is a narcissism without Narcissus. As yet there is no 'self' and no 'other'." (P. 53)<br />
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That there is some perception in the child of their "needs" is indicated by the fact that when the child is feeling uncomfortable - either hungry, or tired, or overstimulated, or in need of a clean diaper - they will cry, in order to have that discomfort relieved. And, when the appropriate response comes, the child returns to a calmer state. I see no reason why, fairly early on, the child would not start to develop some sense of its own power, and an understanding of the cause and effect relationship between crying and receiving comfort. That there is not necessarily a clear recognition of an "other" providing that comfort doesn't really matter. That "mystery" does not have to be solved just yet. What matters is that the child's discomfort is alleviated, and, as Fromm states, this may hold some kind of "meaning" for the child. However, if the appropriate response does not come consistently and in a reasonable amount of time, the child is likely to become even more anxious, or it may, eventually, learn to repress its anxiety, even though the end result is a deepening feeling of insecurity and powerlessness.<br />
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In several previous blogs here I have considered the possibility that all of our incarnated life experiences carry with them analogous emotional-biochemical patterns or "signatures", if you will. For instance, our physical bodies experience a certain pattern of emotional-biochemicals when we are in the womb where "all of our needs are being met with no effort of our own". I have suggested that our ideas of "heaven" are projected/reflections of the latent memory of this particular "in the womb" state. Once we are born, especially in the first six to eight months of life, we are in a state where we experience a feeling of "omnipotence" as described above. We feel we have "power over" our experience, without recognizing the individuality or individual needs of our parents or other caregivers. If, as Fromm suggests, there is "meaning" to be derived from the experience of "suffering/crying/feeling relieved" it may be rooted in biology as much as psychology; i.e. there are biochemical patterns associated with all of these states, and with their patterning in relationship to one another. There may also be reciprocal emotional-biochemical states generated in the parent or caregiver.<br />
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In the best case scenario, parents will recognize and respect the fact that their children are not in a position to consciously understand, let alone <i>meet</i> any of the parents' physical or emotional needs. As Bruce Lipton points out in <i>The Biology of Belief</i>, up until seven or eight years old, children are in various degrees of a "hypnogogic" state, so they are not relating to the world with the same kind of "consciousness" as adults. However, many parents are not mature, fully conscious, mentally and emotionally healthy and, consequently, they may have expectations of the infant and child that are not appropriate or realistic. However, my deeper observation/insight, as you will see, is that even under the influence of that "hypnogogic state", the child may have perceptions and expectations of the parents that are unavoidable and <i>equally unrealistic and inappropriate</i>.<br />
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However, before I continue I feel I must preface what follows by saying: I love and respect all of you who are reading this. I know that everyone is doing the very best they can to express love in this world, parents to their children, children to their parents, and adults to each other. I am also doing my very best in this area.<br />
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At the same time, I am conscious of the persistent frustration that so many of us experience in all of these relationships; the <u>frustration</u> of True Love rather than Its <i>Satisfaction</i>. What has proceeded this blog and what follows is my contribution to the ongoing dialogue concerning why we keep "missing the mark". It is based on my own observation/realization and is not meant to carry with it any weight of "judgment" on my part towards others - towards parents, or towards ourselves as adults who were once children.<br />
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In effect, I am trying to (gently) "bring the ball to the surface" - a "ball" that we have otherwise been repressing, both individually and collectively; i.e. I think, deep down inside, most people already know <i>something is just not quite right</i> in the way we are "loving" one another. In previous blogs I have focused on what I felt was "not right" about the "romantic love" between adult intimate partners, "love" that is the result of "mutual projection" of the man's anima onto a woman and the woman's animus onto a man. In my most recent blog, I focused on the sometimes painful results of anima and animus "possession"; i.e. what happens when these "Invisible Partners" take over the consciousness of their respective man or woman and, through them, start to quarrel with each other, and "hurt" each other (and by association, their "hosts"). Now, I am going to offer my explanation for what I feel is currently <i>not right</i> with our understanding of love between ourselves and our parents and/or children. Granted, I feel it is no small task to say to a doting mother or father, "Uh, that feeling you're having in relationship with your child...that's not really 'love'"...but, in effect, that is part of what I am about to do here.<br />
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I will state for the record: Although I am not a mother myself, I have been a child and a student of child development for many, many years now. Furthermore, in preparation for this posting, I took the time to discuss what I am describing below with two mothers that I do know, to allow them to confirm or challenge my ideas. Apart from that, I have other sources that support my basic premise which is as follows: Parents "fall in love with" their children, especially in the early days after birth. In fact, it is only in rare cases, maybe due to some malfunction of oxytocin production, that this does not occur. For the nursing mother especially, it is biologically normal at this stage for her to form a very close bond with her child and I am going to suggest it is partly what keeps her motivated to endure the rather extreme demands of the early postnatal infant.<br />
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In Part 2 of this series I explained how, according to M. Scott Peck writing in <i>The Road Less Traveled</i>, "falling in love" is the "spontaneous and effortless collapse of ego boundaries" between two people that promotes a feeling of "oneness", that, on a biological level, encourages mating, and therefore, encourages reproduction and perpetuation of the species. As I have restated above, from the point of view of John Sanford and Carl Jung, "falling in love" is at least in part the result of "mutual projection of anima and animus in their most positive forms".<br />
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My question is this: Is there really any significant difference between the experience of "falling in love" with one's children and "falling in love" with a potential mate, biologically OR psychologically? In other words, if there is an effect of "mutual projection" at work in the latter case, why would there not be the same effect in the former? If "falling in love" is "effortless"; i.e. it is a "spontaneous collapse of ego boundaries that promotes pair bonding", and, therefore, "perpetuation and survival of the species", then how can we really view "Parental Love" as any more Truly Loving than "Romantic Love" given it also involves a relative absence of ego boundaries between the parent and the child and helps to perpetuate the species by increasing the infant's chances for survival (via the "oneness" the mother feels with her offspring)? In other words, is there any more Conscious Choice involved when a parent "falls in love with" their child than when an adult "falls in love with" another adult?<br />
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Again, I am not myself a mother, but the two mothers I spoke to did confirm this "falling in love" experience with their children. Given what I do know about "falling in love" as an adult, I can imagine the following: As soon as a child is born, and maybe even prior to birth, parents may be Full of Ideas about how that child is going to be, how their relationship with that child is going to unfold. They may be full of Great Expectations that are, in effect, a Projection/Reflection of more (or less) conscious aspects of themselves - their hopes, their dreams, and even their own Needs for Love. But what is so important to realize here is that...these ideas have Nothing Whatsoever to do with what may actually be potential in that child as an individual. They have nothing to do with the parents Actual Knowledge of their child As an Individual (Ordinary) Human Being. Children are born as <i>total strangers</i> to their parents in exactly the same way that romantic lovers are often <i>total strangers</i> to each other prior to that moment of "falling in love".<br />
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And, the pattern that so often unfolds between parents and their children is all too often parallel to what unfolds between adults who have "fallen in love": Everything is fine and wonderful <i>until one or the other party FAILS to live up to the other's expectations</i>.<br />
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Adults can only carry "projections" from and for each other for so long before, inevitably, the "projections" (positive or negative) are either spontaneously withdrawn, or are "broken through" by the true nature of the individuals themselves. Likewise, some parents can be very "loving" towards their infant children, but then they start to struggle as soon as the child begins to show signs of <i>individuation</i> - as soon as the child starts to try to assert Its Own Will, its own desires and preferences, that may or may not align with the parent's expectations/projections.<br />
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I encourage everyone reading this to pause for a moment and really let this sink in...<br />
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We may not all be parents, but we have all been children. And I can almost guarantee that Most of us have felt like we have Failed to Live Up to Our Parents Expectations on some level. That we were never Really Seen for who we were and/or Really Loved for who we were.<br />
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But, guess what, It's a Two-Way Street...<br />
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Remember what I said earlier here, and in Part 2 of this series: "Falling in Love" involves <u><b><i>Mutual Projection</i></b></u>. Furthermore, <i>both</i> sets of projections are <i>exaggerated</i> versions of the unconscious contents that are being projected. What I am trying to shed light on here is that...it is not only the Parents who are doing the "projecting" - it is The Child as well.<br />
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And what does the Child "project": First of all, as I have suggested above, it is feeling, deep down inside, that it is "Omnipotent" and "All Powerful". So it is logical to assume, and based on the child's decidedly limited experience to the contrary, that it will see its parents or caregivers as being "All Powerful" as well. For instance, the child might think/feel: "I am being loved by an Infinite Being who is there to take care of all of my needs...on demand." "My mother/father are an amazing <i>Goddess</i>/<i>God</i> there to shower love and blessings upon me." Furthermore, "This is their sole purpose in life; i.e. to meet my needs, because being a Goddess/God, they have no needs of their own." And, of course, "I, in turn will, through my smile, radiate my infinite love back to them, for I too am infinite and all powerful"...(...except when I am tired, or hungry, or wet and then I really need these other Beings to take care of me)"...!<br />
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Consequently, when the child does start to "individuate"; when the child starts to sense itself as "separate" from its environment and separate from its mother and father, not only does it lose a sense of its own "omnipotence", it also starts to sense the <i>limitations of its parents</i>. It starts to sense that they are not the "goddess" or "god" that they thought they were, and it is no surprise that The Child Can Become Very Disappointed By Both of these realizations - of its personal limitations <i>and</i> the limitations of its parents. Not surprisingly, this disappointment will start to show in its emotional "acting out" and "resistant" behavior.<br />
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Of course, this change in behavior in the child, from relative calm and compliance to frequent bouts of crying and resistance provokes similar <i>disappointment</i> in the parents. And, I'm sorry to say, if the parents are unconscious of what is actually going on, which, I suspect is pretty common in our experience (and even throughout the history of human culture), then The Positive Projections are Replaced With Negative Ones, by Both Parents AND Their Children. The parent starts to see the child in a negative (and probably exaggerated) light, and the child also starts to see the parent in a negative (and probably exaggerated) light. <br />
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One of the sad truths about this state of affairs is that, regardless of who has disappointed whom, because of the child's very real dependency on the parents <i>for its survival</i>, the perceived "threat" in these now seemingly "inadequate" parents is going to be taken much more seriously by the child. It is no wonder they may be inclined towards intense emotional outbursts, extremely resistant or extremely compliant behavior. They are going to do whatever they feel they have to do to survive, and that also means, to a very great degree, figuring out how to <i>regain the control they <u>thought</u> they had to begin with</i>.<br />
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Although Fromm suggests that our feelings of "separateness" and "aloneness" are what drive us to seek "union" with others, I do not agree with this point of view. I think what disturbs us most at this point in our lives is not a "feeling of separateness", it is our sense of Losing Control over that which we originally thought we had control. Again, this is a Mutual Experience: Because of the child's inherently dependent state, the parent ultimately has control over the child (even "god-like" control)...<i>until</i>... the child develops some capacity for self-expression and autonomy. Where, initially, the child does not make a clear distinction between itself and others and it feels as though it is a power unto itself; i.e. it feels like it is actually the one "in control"...later it begins to perceive otherwise, later it starts to recognize there are "others" over which it has only very, very little, if any, actual control.<br />
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My Guru, Adi Da Samraj, focused a great deal of his Teaching on the "Activity of Self-Contraction". He described this as being the root of our "separative" behavior. In other words, we are not <i>fundamentally</i> "separate" from anyone or anything else. But in our reaction to this perceived separateness - and, (I am adding here) a perceived <i>loss of control</i>, we "pull away" from others, we "avoid" relationship with this frightening reality of our existence. And it is in this "contracted" state of "avoidance", that we feel the most fundamental <i>suffering</i>. Once this becomes a part of our patterning (and remember, this is not just going to be "psychic" or psychological, but also <i>biochemical</i> patterning) we then begin to seek to relieve or distract ourselves from that suffering in any number of ways available to us as children and as adults.<br />
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Again, I do not agree with Fromm's assumption that it is our Actual Separateness that is driving us to seek "union". The suffering comes from something we are <i>doing to ourselves</i>. It is an "activity", and we start <i>doing that activity</i> very early in our lives. Consequently, we will start to look for ways to relieve the "tension" of that "self-contracting activity" very early in our lives as well, and even throughout our lives if we do not come to a better understanding of what is actually going on and <i>who</i> is actually responsible for it.<br />
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Adi Da wrote a small booklet entitled "I Call You to Overcome the 'Oedipal' Sufferings of Childhood"; in which he basically says: As adults, at some point in our lives, we have to get over our reaction to our sense of having not been loved (or loved adequately) by our parents as justification for our own refusal to love others. In other words, at some point in our lives we have to assume conscious responsibility for our own loving, or capacity to love, rather than continuing to merely <i>seek</i> love from others, and then "punishing" them with our lovelessness when they too, almost inevitably, fail to live up to our expectations. <br />
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Furthermore, he considers the classic Freudian stance that, early in childhood development, when we are first becoming aware of ourselves sexually, we (generally) become "fixated" on the opposite sexed parent as a "love object". Typically, little girls will imagine themselves "marrying Daddy", and little boys will imagine themselves "marrying Mommy". However, for obvious reasons, such a desire cannot be fulfilled, and, furthermore, as the child observes the emotional/sexual love communicated between the parents, they themselves end up feeling "betrayed". <br />
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Taken in the light of understanding "mutual projection", this makes even more sense. The projections made by the child may be more generalized to both parents at first, because they are not able to distinguish "individuality" much at all in the first six to eight months of life. However, when they start to become aware of themselves sexually, they also start to become more aware of the differences between "Mommy" and "Daddy". They start to identify themselves as "male" or "female", and, as discussed earlier in this blog series, once they identify with one sex or the other, the <i>opposite</i> becomes <u>repressed</u>, and once that happens it becomes <i>available</i> for <i>Projection</i> onto one or the other parent. So little boys will "project" their anima onto their mothers and little girls will "project" their animus onto their fathers. <br />
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One thing that I did not emphasize in my previous posts is that: Once positive "projection" occurs, then the desire for "union with the other" arises (which is actually a desire for <i>re-union</i> with this projected part of ourselves). However, since the process of projection is unconscious we interpret this feeling as a desire for union <i>with the other person</i> who has now become the <i>carrier</i> or <i>container</i> of our anima or animus respectively.<br />
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Sanford explains it this way:<br />
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"Like all archetypes, the anima and animus have positive and negative aspects. That is, sometimes they appear to be highly desirable and attractive, and sometimes destructive and infuriating. In this they resemble the gods and goddesses who could shower mankind with gifts, but could also turn on mankind destructively. If the positive aspect of the anima image is projected by a man onto a woman, she then becomes highly desirable to him. She fascinates him, draws him to her, and seems to him to be the source of happiness and bliss. A woman who carries this projection for a man readily becomes the object of his erotic fantasies and sexual longings, and it seems to the man that if he could only be with her and make love to her he would be fulfilled. Such a state we call falling or being in love." (Pp. 13-14)<br />
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Although the infant son's closer bond with the mother may intensify the "Oedipal" experience for him, essentially the same pattern arises for girls in relationship with their fathers, and for women in relationship with men onto whom they have projected their animus. The fact that mothers are usually able to spend more time with their children than fathers may also prolong or intensify the son's fixation on the mother as a sexual object.<br />
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Of course, as long as the unconscious contents remain projected, the only way to accomplish and/or perpetuate "union" with the other person and, thereby, "re-union" with one's projection, is either by <i>having control over the other person</i> or <i>letting them have control over you</i>. <br />
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And yet, no matter what children may be thinking about their parents in these early stages of development, what is going to be true in (almost) every case is that Their Desires for "union" with Mother or Father are Going to Be Frustrated...or...there is going to be some terrible emotional/psychological price to pay. For instance, I feel I have to qualify this statement with the word "almost" to allow for those rare cases when the parent does actually engage in a sexual relationship with the child, and the child is actually quite traumatized by the experience. (Although, in the context of what I am sharing here, I feel it may be possible to better understand why this might happen in spite of all of the cultural taboos surrounding parent/child incest, the discussion deserves much deeper consideration than I can give it at this time, in this particular blog.)<br />
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Our perpetual experience and "projection" of the "frustrated love" we have experienced as children can, again, be seen all around us in modern media. I have not seen very many "horror" movies, but of the few that I have seen, I can easily recall how many times two young people were in the midst of sexual embrace when one or the other or both are murdered by some evil character. In addition, "Love stories" almost always involve either intense "Happy Ever After" love or intense "Frustrated" love, <i>neither</i> of which speak to the possibility of rather ordinary, day to day, love between two ordinary human beings.<br />
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Keep in mind though: children are experiencing everything more intensely partly because they perceive that their <i>very lives</i> are depending on their ability to "unite" with their parents; i.e. with their ability to <i>regain</i> and/or perpetuate (seeming) <i>control</i> over their parents. And to the degree they fail to do that, i.e. to the degree they fail to control their parents energy and attention (which, given their dependent stature, is likely to happen regularly), the fear, anxiety, disappointment, etc. that they feel is more than likely going to be repressed to a greater or lesser degree. Anything that gets repressed a) becomes available for "projection", and b) is going to be <i>exaggerated</i> once "projection" takes place. The movie "Fatal Attraction" comes to mind, where, "death" is the alternative to "not getting union with the object of one's 'love'". The song, "I Can't Live, If Living Is Without You" also comes to mind, among many, many other examples of how these childhood fears and longings have been "projected" and perpetuated in modern (supposedly) "adult" media culture.<br />
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As I pointed out in Part 1 of this series, in these stories we are seeing "projections" of our "projections", exaggerations of exaggerations of our unconscious inner experiences. And, yes, although they may reflect a great deal about our actual experiences; i.e. they may reflect something back to us of the consequences of our "repressing" and then "projecting" in the first place, they also speak only to the cases in which we persist in relating UN-consciously with ourselves and with each other.<br />
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Furthermore, if part of the greatest purpose of "being human" is also to Become Fully Conscious as individuals, to "bring all the balls to the top of the water" - to be in conscious relationship with our "inner man" or "inner woman", all of our emotions, as well as our thoughts and judgments - then to the degree we fail to do that, it is appropriate that we will <i>not</i> feel completely fulfilled as individuals, and love will be <i>frustrated</i> in our relationships with others, especially our relationships with our intimate partners and with our parents and children.<br />
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For it is with "intimate partners" that the most profound projections are likely to take place. It is with "intimate partners" that we are most likely to become anima or animus "possessed". It is with intimate partners that we are most likely to be <i>both</i> emotionally and physically/sexually vulnerable. And, consequently, it is with intimate partners that we are most likely to experience the most painful effects of our failing to relate consciously.<br />
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Unfortunately, as I am also trying to communicate here, that is not the only context in which True Love is frustrated by our unconsciousness. It is also being frustrated in the relationships between parents and their children. To the degree that parents and children "project" onto one another the exaggerated images and ideals that arise from their own unconscious, along with their inappropriate expectations, we are almost always perceived as failing one another. This perceived failure <i>of</i> love, further justifies the failure <i>to</i> love, which further justifies retreat into unconsciousness, which only leads to More of the Same patterning, generation after generation. <br />
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In order to "turn the tide" it is up to us to learn to accept and respect the individual humanity, the Ordinary Humanity, of every child <i>and</i> every parent. It is up to us, as adult men and women, to accept and respect the individual humanity, the Ordinary Humanity of every woman and every man. It is up to each of us as individuals to learn to accept and respect every aspect of ourselves, as Ordinary Human beings, our capacity for deep feeling as well as our capacity for rational thinking, our love needs, and those things which are most meaningful to us. It is up to us to <i>take the time to get to know one another</i>, to be slow to "judge the book by its cover", to appreciate that we are all slogging through a swamp of projections within our culture and it is nearly impossible for any of us to come through without our True Identities being a bit <i>muddied</i> by all of it! Finally, it is up to us to make Conscious Choices to love one another, to recognize and meet each other's "love needs", as appropriate, for the various "levels of relationship" that are possible in all of the contexts and possibilities of Ordinary Human interactions, including those between parents and children.<br />
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As I have communicated in my previous blog, there are ways that we have begun to overcome some of these patterns, even without this framework of understanding concerning anima and animus, possession, and projection. Nevertheless, I genuinely believe that progress towards greater consciousness and expressions of True Love between Ordinary Human Beings might be significantly accelerated if more people could become aware of what I have shared here. Even in the act of consideration and writing about this <i>I</i> have been profoundly affected by what I have come to realize. As some would understand it, I am experiencing a "radical paradigm shift", Really Radical, and I do not believe it is completely over yet!<br />
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(And here I thought riding my bicycle across the country was going to be an "adventure"!?!)<br />
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I don't know about you, but there is a voice in <i>my</i> head that has been asking: "Lori, do you really understand the implications of what you are communicating here? Do you see how you're challenging so many long-held beliefs? Do you realize there are going to be people who won't like you for saying these things? Are you <i>sure</i> you know what you're talking about?" (And maybe that's my potentially more judgmental animus speaking to my more intuitive feminine side?) And to that voice I would have to answer: "Yes. I am feeling the implications in my own life, in this moment, as well as the implications for others, but I cannot let myself be afraid of what others might think to such an extent that I do not communicate what I feel is mine to communicate. I am still in the process of considering all of this myself right now, so I do not know what else I have yet to discover or realize. Furthermore, I do not know how these ideas are going to trigger insights in others as time goes by. So, in that case, I really do not know what all the implications might be for what I am communicating here...and I am okay with that."<br />
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But my feminine intuition is telling me, this is pretty big. I'm just trying not to lose my head over all of it. I'm trying to stay as grounded as I can, and, more than anything, I am simply trying to apply what I am understanding by Staying Conscious. I am focused on the idea that I am, like all of you, in the end, an Ordinary Human Being, composed of both feminine and masculine elements, with the capacity and need for true love, and with the capacity for rational thinking and insight, all of which I am capable of being fully conscious (even though it may be particularly challenging at times).<br />
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Furthermore, rather than <i>struggling</i> to Be In Control, especially to Be in Control of others, I am instead <i>relaxing</i> into simply Being Myself, relaxing into simply Being Love...<br />
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Nothing more...but also...nothing less.<br />
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I welcome your comments and questions.<br />
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(P.S. I really wanted to put links at several points in this post, but given the time limitations right now and the quirkiness of this platform, I am going to refrain until I have a better internet connection.)Lori Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17705706227685359532noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1988282393759072158.post-6495646658707850482013-01-18T21:23:00.002-05:002013-03-17T12:51:43.305-04:00Regarding Anima and Animus "Possession"Before I continue with my "Reflections on Projections" series, I feel motivated to provide something of a "homework assignment" for the weekend. What follows is mostly a verbatim transcription of significant portions of Chapter 2 of <a href="http://www.amazon.com/The-Invisible-Partners-Affects-Relationships/dp/0809122774"><i>Invisible Partners</i></a> by John Sanford. If you have not been inspired by my other writing to get a copy of <i>Invisible Partners</i> yourself, then my providing this material will save you the trouble, for now. However, it is not a <i>complete</i> transcription and I may or may not continue with a complete review of the book in this blog, so you may still want to get a copy yourself at some point, if you're interested.<br />
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Nevertheless, from my point of view, what follows is really at the Heart of the "Problems" with the anima and animus. Not that it is All Bad. When related to properly, the anima and animus make up a very important part of our individual character; but they are, at the same time, just a Part of who we are. When they become exaggerated in us due to a lack of inner relationship, if we are not fully conscious of them so that they become projected, or they take over, i.e. they "possess" our consciousness and we begin to think they actually are "who we are", that's when the "problems" arise. Without <i>ongoing awareness and understanding</i>, in other words, if these characters remain <i>invisible</i> to us, then, in effect, there is "hell to pay", and as I have been alluding to, we will miss out on other potential opportunities of more direct, conscious, and loving relationships with one another.<br />
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Granted, this is a particular "framework" for understanding certain phenomena that many, if not most, human beings have experienced, to one degree or another. I have found it particularly useful in my own life as a way to better understand myself and others; i.e. to understand why we act the way we do and say the things we say. Maybe, more importantly, it has helped me to understand that, for the most part, people really do not want to hurt one another. I know I do not want to hurt the people I care about. However, when the anima and animus get "triggered", for whatever reasons, then it seems to me at this point, pain and suffering in relationship are soon to follow; sometimes even very serious pain and suffering. However, if one of the possible "goals" of being human is to become Fully Conscious, then it seems appropriate that there would be negative consequences for when we are not being Fully Conscious.<br />
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Furthermore, I have been wondering how anima or animus "possession" might relate to more violent expressions of mental illness. I would like to think if more people understood these "Invisible Partners" and could come into better conscious relationship with these parts of themselves, in fact, with all parts of themselves, then maybe future events like the recent catastrophe at Sandy Hook might be avoided. <br />
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So towards the goal of Peace through better Understanding, I offer the following from Chapter 2 of <i>Invisible Partners</i>:<br />
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First of all, what happens when a man becomes "possessed" by his anima. Sanford writes:<br />
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"In the case of the anima, it is she who lies behind a man's moods. When a man is possessed by the anima he is drawn into a dark mood, and tends to become sulky, overly sensitive, and withdrawn. A poisonous atmosphere surrounds him, and it is as though he is immersed in a kind of psychological fog. He ceases to be objective or related, and his masculine stance is eroded by peevishness. If a man argues or writes in this frame of mind, this peevishness and poison will certainly emerge. In writing, the influence of the anima can be seen in sarcasms, innuendos, irrelevancies, and poisonous jabs that reveal a subjective, personalistic bias and detract from the objective quality of the work. A man in the grip of the anima acts for all the world like an inferior kind of woman who is upset about something and that, in fact, is exactly what he has within himself.<br />
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"Such a mood may fall on a man in an instant. A seemingly chance remark from someone, a slight, an almost unnoticed disappointment, and suddenly a man may be in a mood. Astonishingly enough, men almost invariably fail to note that something from within themselves has suddenly possessed them, that a mood has fallen on them and gripped them, and that the event has been quite autonomous. Such moods may simply make the man a bit grouchy or out of sorts for a while, or they may become dangerously dark. If the moods are chronic they may lead a man into alcoholism or severe depression. Under certain circumstances, an intense anima mood may plunge a man into such a feeling of hopelessness that he commits suicide....<br />
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"If you can get to the bottom of a man's mood you will find that something has gone wrong, but the man may hardly realize what it is. It may be that his inner woman does not like what the man is doing. For instance she may not like his work because it drains her of life and energy, or it may keep her from her fulfillment in life. It is as though the man's inner woman and the woman's inner man, also need to be fulfilled in life, but the only way they can be fulfilled is through the kind of life their outer man or outer woman leads. Imagine a woman who is denied her proper scope in life, who is forced to endure a way of life that leaves her no room for her emotions or her own creative powers. Such a woman would, naturally, become dissatisfied and her displeasure would be felt in the bad atmosphere she would create. It is exactly this way with the anima if she does not have enough share in the man's life.<br />
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"But the negative anima mood may also be a function of a relationship. For example, a man may get thrown into this mood when his feelings have been hurt. Someone has ignored him, given him a nasty verbal thrust, or rejected him in some way and he is hurt and angry. When the man is hurt, if he were to express his feelings directly he would be all right--he would not go into a mood. If it is his wife who has hurt his feelings, for instance, and if he were to say to her, 'That really made me angry when you said that,' he would be himself and would not become possessed by the anima; he would not fall into a mood about it. But if the man does not express his feelings, they fall into the unconscious, and the anima gets them. [As I have suggested previously, this is the equivalent of "pushing the balls under the water".] The anger that the man did not express directly is taken over by the anima, who turns it into resentment; in fact, resentment in a man is always a sign of the anima at work. In the hands of the anima this unexpressed and unresolved anger smolders, burns, and eats away at him, and is expressed indirectly by 'passive-aggressive' moods, and behavior. It is always ready to erupt into flames; then the man does not have his anger, it has him. He is possessed by rage, and his anger is in constant danger of becoming a terrible affect, for it is as though the anima stands poised to drop her flaming match into the waiting can of gasoline, and the man will erupt in an engulfing and uncontrolled emotion.<br />
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"Jung noted that the anima can be seen to be at work wherever emotions and affects are at work in a man. He wrote, 'She intensifies, exaggerates, falsifies, and mythologizes all emotional relationships with his work and with other people of both sexes.' (Jung, CW9, 1, p. 70.) The antidote for this, as has been mentioned, is for the man to know what he is feeling and become capable of expressing this in relationship. [This would be the equivalent of "keeping all the balls <i>on</i> the water".] This keeps his emotion out of the clutches of the anima, and, moreover, satisfies her that the correct thing is being done with whatever it is that has wounded or aroused him. The anima does not necessarily want to carry the man's emotional life for him, she gets it by default. It is as though she says, 'Why don't you say something about that irritating thing that so-and-so has just done to you! If <i>you</i> don't do something about it, <i>I</i> will.' We can say that if something has gone wrong in an emotionally significant relationship the anima will grouse about it until the man straightens it out, or comes to terms with his emotions in some proper way. <br />
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[And that includes emotions that may have very deep roots in childhood experiences. Something I will be discussing further, probably in my next blog.]<br />
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"Unfortunately, many men have difficulty expressing their feelings. Men tend to like their relationships to be smooth, easy, and comfortable. They are reluctant to get into emotionally toned discussions or difficult issues. They want 'peace and quiet' and want their women to maintain a pleasant atmosphere and not bring up distressing matters. But, as we have just seen, if matters of relationship are ignored they simply get worse, and when a man consistently denies his feelings, and fails to relate them to the people in his life, he becomes a chronically moody, resentful, anima-ridden man. Then it is as though a witch has gotten him, for he has become identical with his moods.<br />
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"If a man becomes capable of expressing his feelings, not only does he keep emotional matters out of the clutches of the anima, he also becomes a much more developed person. A man who always avoids emotionally toned encounters with other people is contained within the Mother. One way for him to get out of his Mother complex is to express himself in relationship. If he fails to do so he remains emotionally a little boy who is afraid of women, who resents them if they don't keep him happy, and who is out of touch with his own masculine strength.<br />
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"Men are often reluctant to bring up unpleasant things that have happened in a relationship with a woman because they are afraid of her anger, or their own anger, or they are afraid they will be rejected, or they are afraid of pain....<br />
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"If a man is afraid of his woman's anger it often goes back to the little boy in him. Watch a small boy when mother becomes angry at him! See how unpleasant it is for him, and how many little boys will be terribly hurt, and want to do whatever they can to appease mother so things will be good again, or, if they are more robust, will spew out boyish defiance so as not to be overwhelmed by their own hurt feelings. A woman's acid anger and power of rejection have enormous influence on other people, men and boys especially, and if a man is to become capable of relationship with a woman he must overcome his fear of her anger and his anxiety about being rejected. This may mean that he will have to find and help the little boy in himself. By recognizing his hurt-little-boy side he is much less likely to become identical with it, and can remain more the man in relationship with the woman in his life.<br />
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[This, by the way, intersects to some degree with my understanding that, for various reasons, people get "stuck" emotionally in earlier stages of development. I will be considering this further in my next blog as it relates to Erich Fromm's ideas of "Mother Love" and "Father Love" and how these have differing effects on individual development.] <br />
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"[A man] will also have to deal with the angry, rejecting side of his woman. Why does she have to be that way? he may ask himself. But just as the anima has a negative side that must be overcome if the positive side is to be realized, so every man must be capable of enduring the dark side of the woman in his life if he is going to find her tender and life-giving side.<br />
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"A man's fear that he will be rejected if he brings up difficult matters in the relationship is usually unfounded. A woman who cares about a man, or is at all connected to her own instincts for relatedness, has a great capacity for confrontation and working things out...<br />
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"Related anger means that the issues that are brought up are concerned with what is going on between two people. It is an honest expression of genuine feeling. If a man expresses anger in an unrelated way to a woman, he will do it indirectly by creating a bad atmosphere or indulging in a personalistic attitude. If he expresses anger in a <i>related</i> way, he will tell her just what it is that is upsetting him. If a woman cares about a man she will not reject him if he expresses his anger at her in this way; to the contrary, she will welcome it, for it shows that their relationship is meaningful to him. From a woman's point of view, if a man ignores matters of relationship it is the same as ignoring her, and that means to her that she and the relationship are not important to him.<br />
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"The important thing to remember, as will be seen more clearly later on, is that the correct position of the anima is inward, not outward. She belongs as a function of relationship between a man's consciousness and the unconscious, not as a function of relationship between a man and other people. When she intrudes into this outer sphere, there are difficulties. Men are quite capable of doing their own relating and having their own feelings, and do not need the anima to provide this for them.<br />
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"The anima not only interferes with a man's emotional reactions, she can interfere with his thinking as well. For instance, when a man is anima-possessed he may begin to give forth <i>opinions</i> instead of genuine thinking. It is as though the anima begins to talk right through him, and she expresses herself as though she had an animus, which means she expresses opinions without regard to facts, relationship, or logic. When a man is in this state of mind he begins to argue in a peevish way, and his masculine objectivity is quite lost in a sea of emotionally toned and irrational opinions that prove resistant to reasonable discussion...."<br />
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In summary, Sanford offers: "...[T]he anima can poison a man's consciousness and rob him of himself should he fall for her insinuations...a man can prevent the negative anima from having this destructive influence on him...by making her conscious." (Pp. 35-43)<br />
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As for what happens when a woman becomes "animus possessed", Sanford offers the following:<br />
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"If the anima is the master of moods in a man, the animus is the master of opinions in a woman. He typically expresses himself in judgments, generalizations, critical statements, and apodictic assertions that do not come from a woman's own process of thinking and feeling, but have been picked up from various authoritative sources, mother or father, books or articles, church or some other collective organization. It is the animus who is behind the autonomous, critical, and opinionated thoughts that intrude into a woman's consciousness. He thus represents inferior masculine logic, just as the anima represents inferior feminine emotionality.<br />
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"....If a woman becomes identified with such opinions within herself, which happens when the animus is not differentiated from her own ego psychology, we speak of animus possession.<br />
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"The opinions of the animus have an unpleasant and even destructive quality, and may be projected onto other people, or directed inwardly on the woman herself. In the former case, other people cannot stand the woman because of the blunt and critical judgments she passes on them. In the latter case, the woman cannot stand herself, for the effect of the judgments of the animus on her is to destroy her sense of her own value and worth.<br />
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"The animus is thus able to rob a woman of her creativity, even as the anima...can rob a man of his. At the moment when a woman gets a creative idea, or her eros and tenderness begin to stir in her in a new way, the animus may intrude into her consciousness with thought that could prevent her from fulfilling herself. He may say, 'You can't do that.' Or, 'Other people can do these things much better than you.' Or, 'You have nothing of value to offer.' If the woman identifies with such thoughts, that is, mistakes them for her own thoughts and for the truth, the new creative possibility is taken away from her.<br />
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"The opinions of the animus have a peculiarly irritating effect on other people because, in spite of their seeming logic, they do not fit the actual situation. Yet neither can they be reasoned with, for the animus has an absolutist attitude, and his opinions are not amenable to discussion or qualification. Whenever the animus takes over, a woman is taken away from her own thinking and feeling, and she becomes identical with banal statements, sweeping judgments, or generalizations. Small wonder, when these judgmental opinions are directed from within against herself, that a woman tends to become depressed and is robbed of the colorfulness of life." (Pp. 43-45)<br />
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And as I referred the other day in my "In Defense" blog:<br />
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"The animus often keeps other people from reaching and experiencing the warm, feeling side of a woman because they cannot get through the animus and his opinions. Children with such a woman for a mother feel deprived of their mother's affection because they keep coming up against the animus. She comes across to them as a hard disciplinarian, and the critical, judgmental attitudes of the animus effectively shut them out from her tenderness and affection. (The situation is exacerbated when the father has relinquished the masculine role of disciplinarian and forced the mother to assume this role in the family.) It is not that the mother does not have warm feelings for her children; they are there, but the children do not receive them because the animus blocks them. Such women may appear hard and steely, and other people may be leery of them, for their animus can wound; however, strangely enough, they themselves easily get their feelings hurt, and when this happens they are terribly injured and bewildered and do not understand why other people do not love them..." (Pp. 45-46)<br />
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"When the animus utters an opinion, it is said with an air of great authority. It is like a pronouncement, and pronouncements of course, are indisputable. This air of authority, Emma Jung suggests in her monograph <i>Anima and Animus</i>*, is enhanced by our present culture, which tends to overvalue everything masculine and undervalue the feminine. Masculine achievement, power, control, success, and logic are rewarded in our society by prestige, good grades in school, and generous paychecks. The feminine principle, which tends to unite and synthesize, is undervalued culturally both in men and in women. It is as though the animus were aware of this, and so his utterances are all the more authoritative, while, conversely, a woman is led to distrust her seemingly inferior and more vague feminine intuitions and feelings, even though it is these that have the truth of the matter. This is a deplorable situation, for not only does our world need more of the healing influence and wisdom of the feminine, but the woman herself is all the more victimized by animus judgments that, if left unchallenged, nullify her own deepest psychological truth.<br />
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*Emma Jung, <i>Anima and Animus</i> (Zurich: Spring Publications, 1974).<br />
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"Since the anima and animus have these peculiarly irritating effects, it is not surprising that they are inclined to quarrel with each other. A typical anima/animus quarrel can start in many different ways. A man may comes home in a dark mood. He is possessed by this mood, that is, by the anima, and exudes an air of poison and gloom. Now if the man were to tell his woman what his problem is, things could take a more positive direction, but the chances are that he will say nothing about his frame of mind, but will just inflict his mood on her. Being in this mood, of course he is not related, and his woman senses this immediately, and cannot stand the lack of relationship. She finds the psychological atmosphere, and the sense of isolation, increasingly intolerable, and also wonders if somehow she is being blamed for something, for a man in the grip of the anima has a way of being vaguely reproachful of others. At this point, unless the woman is very careful, her animus may intrude. It is as though <i>he</i> does not like that man's moody anima either, and so he will pick up his sword or club and take matters into his own hands. This may be done with some kind of stinging remark, or a direct frontal assault on the man's objectionable moodiness.<br />
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"Stung by the attack, the anima of the man may retaliate. Unless the man is quick to realize what is going on, and to make a conscious response to this situation, the anima will probably drop her match into the gasoline, and the result will be an eruption of affect. The man will then become irrational and fight back in a sarcastic, affect-laden way, perhaps with a personalistic attack on his wife's character, that of her mother, and anything else that can be thought of to get revenge for the wound that has just been inflicted on him. The animus then comes back in kind, and the result is an angry quarrel. It never occurs to the man, of course, that he has become possessed by a witch inside himself; to the contrary, he is quite convinced that his wife is to blame for all of this.<br />
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"Or perhaps it is the woman's animus that first delivers a stinging remark or irritating opinion. The man is immediately affected by this, but unless he is quick to realize what is happening, it is his anima who reacts. As Jung once wrote, "...no man can converse with an animus for five minutes without becoming the victim of his own anima...the animus draws his sword of power and the anima ejects her poison of illusion and seduction.'<br />
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"At this point projections occur again, but it is not the positive animus and anima who are projected onto the human partners, creating an air of fascination and magical attraction; it is the negative images, which have the effect of driving the man and the woman apart. The man's wife now receives the projections of his inner witch, and is, accordingly, held responsible for his bad mood, while the woman projects onto her man all the infuriating qualities that, in fact, belong to the man inside herself.<br />
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"Clearly such anima/animus fights can be destructive. The tragedy is that while the man and woman have their unproductive quarrel, and the atmosphere becomes darker and darker, neither realizes that the scene is being dominated by the Invisible Partners. It is not John and Mary who are quarreling, but these archetypal figures within them. For just as the anima and animus can fall in love, so they can quarrel, and the intensity of their attraction to each other is matched only by the intensity of their dislike.<br />
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"This destructive anima/animus fight is not to be confused with a genuine encounter between the actual man and woman. When John and Mary confront each other to express their anger and work out their differences, something positive can emerge. Such encounters between a man and a woman can have great psychological value and must not be avoided just because a person is too squeamish to get into emotionally difficult situations. But when John and Mary are eclipsed by their anima and animus, and <i>these</i> two begin to quarrel, the result is most unfortunate.<br />
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"The strange thing is, as suggested earlier, that the quarrel could be avoided if the man would just say what it is that he is feeling, and the woman would just say what it is that is troubling her. If the man directly expresses his hurt, anger, or bewilderment, it is <i>he</i> who is talking. If he does not, however, the anima gets hold of it and expresses his emotional reaction for him in the devious, destructive ways described. She exaggerates, as Jung said. In her grasp, a relatively minor personal injury becomes magnified and a mountain is made of a molehill. She falsifies. Once the personal slight or hurt is in her grasp, the facts of the situation become distorted. In the ensuing argument, what really happened becomes obscured by the emotionality of the anima. She intensifies, so that the original emotion that man felt now becomes a powerful affect, and the small fire a large one. And she mythologizes. When things are left in her hands, an ordinary human woman becomes a goddess or a witch and an ordinary human situation takes on a highly dramatic character.<br />
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"Similarly, when a woman who is troubled by something in a personal relationship says what she feels, it is she who is speaking, and the matter can be worked out. But if she hides her true feelings, it is the animus who seizes the club or sword and tries to set matters straight. The result is disastrous as far as the relationship is concerned, and is a defeat for the woman's ego, for the ego always experiences defeat when it becomes possessed by the anima or animus. Club in hand, the animus will let the offending man have it by some form of direct attack that may have little perceivable relationship to the actual offense. Taking his sword of seeming logic, the animus will bring up some argument that has little or nothing to do with the real emotional issue. Irritated at such an irrational assault, and frustrated by its seeming unfairness, a man is all too likely to fall into the clutches of his anima at this point and then dark things happen.<br />
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"A woman can avoid this by saying something like, 'You seem to be upset about something. Are you angry at me?' If he is angry at her, he can say so and perhaps the matter can be resolved. If not, the woman need not feel guilty or anxious, and can afford to let her man remain with his mood and work it out himself while she goes about her business. For it is not her job to get him out of his mood; that is a task that every man must take on himself. Of course the man may be dishonest. He may snarl, 'No!' when he really means yes. It is probably best, however, for the woman to take his words at face value and let him stew in his own juice, and say to herself, 'Okay, he said I was not to blame for his bad mood so I accept no guilt or responsibility for what he is feeling.' It goes without saying, of course, that if people persist in emotional dishonesty with each other, relationship is exceedingly difficult.<br />
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"A man who is confronted by a woman's animus can help the situation by keeping his cool and responding out of his own masculine strength. If a man's masculinity is stronger than that of the animus, he can usually free the woman from possession; at least he can keep himself from falling into the clutches of his inner woman. It usually helps to find out what the problem really is. 'What is really bothering you?' a man might ask if he realizes he has just been attacked by a woman's animus. He may often find that what really is bothering her has nothing to do with the subject the animus has brought up. (It isn't that she doesn't like the suit he has put on, which she has chosen to violently criticize, but that she is hurt because he ignored her at the party the night before.)<br />
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"One word of caution: In discussing their relationship a man and a woman do well to avoid the use of the terms anima and animus, or any psychological terms for that matter. It is best to use ordinary language, for the use of psychological language is unnatural in relationships and tends to depersonalize them. The value of being aware of the anima and animus is that <i>we</i> may know what is going on, and our heightened consciousness helps us in working out the relationship, but the use of psychological language as we do so is generally destructive. So a woman who sees her man in a mood, instead of saying, 'Looks like you are gripped by your anima,' might say, 'You look upset; is something bothering you?' And a man, suspecting his woman's animus attacking him, can say, 'I have a feeling that you are angry at me about something,' instead of saying, 'Your animus is showing again.'<br />
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"[Regarding the anima and animus] It is always best to get the bad news first; besides it is usually the negative side that we experience first. But the anima and animus also have a positive aspect, in fact, when they are in their correct place they have a great blessing to give to us. However, in order to realize this blessing we must be able to overcome their negative effects...." (Pp.48-55)<br />
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Okay, I hope there are some lights going off for those of you who have persevered in this reading. And I must say, looking more closely at this again, as I have been typing it, and thinking about long distant and not so distant experiences, I know I still have work to do in terms of keeping my animus "in the correct place".<br />
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I think there are several important things to understand though: We are not alone in what we have experienced in our relationships. This explanation, though certainly not absolute, does seem to give an approach to understanding that could be useful, and I suspect many of you saw things that were familiar to you, that you had experienced yourself, especially with "significant others".<br />
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For myself, personally, I have carried this "point of view" with me for many years now, but it is amazing to me how few men I've known have been willing to read this book. Clearly, when <i>both</i> people involved in the relationship are aware of what could be going on, i.e. between their respective "anima" and "animus", there is a better chance they can help each other mediate their effects . As they say, two heads are better than one, and, clearly, when it comes to our interpersonal relationships, even if just one person can keep from overreacting, if one person can stay Fully Conscoius, it is better than if each of them, in turn, becomes "possessed" by their anima or animus, and in effect "loses consciousness".<br />
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Finally, I would like to add that there are ways that we may end up alleviating some of the effects of "anima" and "animus" without really realizing it, without needing to be aware of the framework provided here to understand what is going on inside of us. For instance, as I have already indicated in previous blogs, allowing one's emotions to remain "as balls on top of the water" instead of repressing them does a great deal to alleviate the effects of the anima in men. Not being judgmental of self and others helps to alleviate the effects of the animus in women. (Of Note: Terry Gorski's "First Rule of Functional Relating" is to a) Be aware of your feelings, b) Put a label on your feelings and c) Be able to communicate those feelings effectively to another person, and d) Reciprocally, be able to listen to another person tell you how they feel without judging or condemning them).<br />
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Having reviewed this material again, I find it interesting that "masculine" character is more often associated with being rational, but it is the exaggeration of emotion carried out by the anima that subdues a man's capacity for logic. On the other hand, it is the distortion of logic and judgment carried out by the animus that subdues a woman's more emotional and related nature. And yet, when a man is struggling with his emotions, that is when he needs his woman's emotional nature the most. In other words, she must become a better woman than his anima. Likewise, when a woman is struggling with judgment, that is when she needs her man's rational nature the most; i.e. he has to become a better man than her animus.<br />
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I sincerely hope this material will be useful to all of you who are reading. It is one more effort of mine to simply try to make the world a more peaceful place at this most up-close and personal level of relationship.<br />
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In my next blog, I'm going to take another look at our relationships with our parents and the profound influence of "mutual projection" between parents and their children. This is a very recent, and actually, somewhat painful insight for me, but I think it is something else that needs to be considered and better understood if future generations of children are going to have a better chance of "Being Who They Are as Ordinary Human Beings" from a much earlier point in their lives, even "Day One".Lori Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17705706227685359532noreply@blogger.com6