The Cornerstone - Part II

In the spring of 1988, roughly three years after my mother went into the mental hospital, the carnival came to town and set-up in one of the large parking lots on the college campus. I became friends with the young man running the "Himalaya" ride, and not long after that, I decided to "join the carnival" myself, thinking it would be fun for a summer job (the fact that this guy looked a bit like Tom Cruise had nothing to do with my decision, of course! : )). Normally, the carnival did not allow women to travel alone, but since I would be working for this young man's mother, and his father was the manager of the show, they were willing to bend that rule in my case.

In general though, deciding to join the carnival was one of the first real choices in my life that I feel I made for myself, simply because it was What I Wanted to Do.  In other words, it was not about living up to any of my mother's expectations, or a boyfriend's, or a teacher's, etc.  It was just me doing something for me, trusting my own "gut", if you will.

So in June of that year, I boarded a Greyhound bus for the long trip from Tennessee, across the Ohio River into Indiana where I met-up with and became an employee of Cumberland Valley Shows. I went to work for my friend's mother helping her run her "Shoot Out the Star" joint. I adapted very quickly to all the routines of setting-up and tearing down, collecting spent lead shot for recycling, and loading the good shot into the straw-like metal tubes, that were later used to load the air-powered b-b guns. I became familiar with other members of the carnival, as well as some of the people who worked in between the various carnivals around the region, delivering stuffed animal prizes and other supplies.

One of these "inter-carnival" workers was an artist whose name might have been, John, but I remember him more as the "Zen Painter".  His talent was in creating these really bright colorful back-drops for the various games and rides and even the occasional truck trailer door for the "houses on wheels" that were quarters for many of the game owners and show managers.

This "Zen Painter" took an interest in me.  He listened to my life story and eventually loaned me a book to read.  It was The Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller.  It was a short book, under 200 pages, and I read it very quickly as I did not know when I would see my friend again and I wanted to be sure and be able to give it back to him when he returned from his travels to other carnivals in the region.

I remember being in my room, one of 10 or so built into an 18-wheel truck trailer, so it was pretty small.  I was sitting on my bunk bed, and I was reading through the sections where Alice Miller explains how one's parents are the only two people in the world who are really obligated to Love them Unconditionally; and how, if children do not receive that from their parents, if they do not get to experience a "happy childhood", there is no way, as an adult, to go back and "redo" that. Instead, in such a case, it was appropriate to Mourn the Loss of one's "happy childhood" and then Let It Go.

It did not take much for me to understand how this applied in my own case.  Right there and then, I started to cry, in the closet of my living quarters, a carny with Cumberland Valley Shows, a young woman, alone...I mourned the loss of my "happy childhood". And right there and then, I also Let Go.  I stopped expecting any other person to make up for what I did not receive from my parents as a child. I stopped seeking "unconditional love" from anyone else.  And at the same time, I realized that the only person left to "Love Me Unconditionally", to love my still present "inner child" unconditionally, was Me.  And, in many ways, the only person left to parent (or "re-parent") me was Me.

Now you may think that this was a very sad and maybe even terrible moment in my life.  But, actually, it was one of The Most Liberating.  Not only was it Truly Liberating for Me, but it was to be Liberating for all of the other people I came into contact with in my life from that point on, because I did not come to them with Any Expectations for them to "Love me Unconditionally" or to try to Make Up for the Loss of My "Happy Childhood".

Furthermore, I did not continue into my life feeling that "I have already suffered so much, I just can't bear to suffer any more and all I want is for someone to love me and take care of me" the way I was not loved and taken care of (in any functional way) as a child. In other words, I did not walk around with a sense of entitlement based on my previous suffering, nor was I bound to the inevitable disappointment over and over and over again, where those expectations were not fulfilled, because they Could Not Ever Be Fulfilled. I understood that my Childhood was over, it was dead, in the past, and could never be revived.  Yes, I recognized that loss, and I mourned that loss, but then, as a quickly awakening adult, I moved on with my life.

Now, more than anything else, I feel that understanding became the Cornerstone of my new life apart from my mother. I will not deny for a moment that Every Child Deserves the Unconditional Love and Functional Support of their biological or adoptive Parents. However, the sad fact is, most of us living today have not had that, and, unfortunately, most of the children living today are not getting that, although there are more today then there have been, thanks in part to wise and compassionate people like Alice Miller. My life, though not particularly extraordinary, is still a demonstration for others, that it is possible for all of us who have not grown up with truly "happy childhoods", to mourn that loss, and then Let Go, so that we can, in the here and now, accept responsibility for loving ourselves unconditionally, and for continuing on in our lives as the Adults that we are now, rather than as the children we might otherwise long to be again.

This world needs Adults - truly mature, empathetic, and rational human beings. It needs people who understand what it means to be Responsible for Oneself and ones actions, rather than people constantly clinging to the fantasy of some day being "taken care of" by an employer, by a lover, by "God", or by "The State."  I will not deny that there may very well be Larger Forces at Play here, but there is also a level at which we have to Take Part ourselves, consciously and responsibly, as Adults, and not as "children" still seeking the unconditional love and support of "someone...anyone" where their actual parents have failed to provide that.

So I will say again, Do Not Hesitate to Mourn the Loss of your "Happy Childhood" if this is appropriate in your case, but then, Let It Go and be ready to Move On.

I am very glad I "joined the carnival" - that I courageously "followed my gut" because there was a very, very, important message waiting for me, that I might never have received if I had not made that "crazy" choice in the first place. And as I have suggested here, the understanding I gained from reading The Drama of the Gifted Child became the "Cornerstone" for my life of learning apart from my mother. There have been many, many more ideas that have filled in that "structure" of my life, and in some cases, liberated me from ideas that were too limiting. It is those ideas that I am sharing through this blog, so that others might be strengthened and liberated as well.

Why All the "Drama"?

In my previous blog I suggested that there was a reason why the self-judgment we develop as a child is the "harshest judgment of all". Here is my theory of why that is the case.

This theory came to me as a drawing together of information from two main sources: The Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller and Stages of Faith by James Fowler.

From the first book I gained a deeper appreciation for the vulnerability of life as a child and the intensity of emotions that children experience (much of which gets repressed). Deep inside, infants and small children understand instinctively that Their Very Lives depend on the caring and attention of their parents, let alone their "happiness". The fact is children will do whatever they possibly can to secure their parents' attention in order to survive, even if it means drawing negative attention and/or punishment. They would rather have that then suffer total neglect or abandonment which are a much greater threat to their survival.

The second book draws together the developmental theories of Erik Erikson, Jean Piaget, and Lawrence Kohlberg. With regards to the early childhood stage of 4-6 years old, Fowler, writing in the "voice" of Erik Erikson offers the following:

...In this stage a fateful split occurs in the emotional life of the child. Under the impact of emerging infantile sexuality with its fantasies and the answering terrors of incest taboos and other prohibitions, a child internalizes the constraining voices of parental judgment, setting them over and against the instinct fragments that have heretofore fueled bodily and psychic growth and exuberance in relatively unconflicted ways. If shame is a visual phenomenon, guilt is auditory. With an inner ear the child hears the admonitory or judging voices of the now internalized set of parental injunctions and prohibitions, curbing or circumscribing the child's thrustings and seductions. The problem is the infantile conscience or superego can be more primitive, cruel and uncompromising than the parents or other adults ever intended.... (1981 edition, pp. 61-62).

When I read the above I had the question come to mind: Why? Why does the child's "internal voice of judgment" become even harsher than what the parents or other adults might have intended? And then, the message from Alice Miller's book came to mind...

Think of it this way: In a more primitive circumstance, what a child learns from its parents or the other adults in its environment pertains almost exclusively to the child's actual survival: what foods are edible and what foods are poisonous, what tracks lead to animal foods and what tracks lead to animals that look at humans as food, etc., etc. Consequently, it is actually a matter of life and death for such a child to internalize this information as deeply and surely as it possibly can.

However, in our current society, there is So Much More information that a child "absorbs" that really has Very Little To Do with Life and Death!!! And yet, that is how the infant will take in that information instinctively. It is not until much later in their cognitive development that a child can start making those kinds of distinctions consciously. In fact, for most of their early lives, their brains are in a state of "hypnotic autopilot" with very little filtering of any kind. (And you can find out more about this in Bruce Lipton's book The Biology of Belief.) For the parent, what they are teaching their child may just be a matter of functional or social etiquette, but for the child it becomes a Matter of Life and Death (and more or less so depending on how much reinforcement the parents provide for a certain behavior).

Furthermore, generation after generation, more and more things get inadvertently added to the list of "life and death" matters: Do you put the silverware in the drain handle up or handle down? Do you fold the towels in quarters or in thirds? Do you put the toilette paper roll on paper top side or paper bottom side? Do you wear name brands or will generics be okay? Do you have to be twenty pounds under weight to be thought attractive? Do you have to smoke and drink to be accepted by your peers? Do you have to make a lot of money or drive a fancy car to "survive"? Do you have to be a vegan or is eating a little meat every once in a while okay? Not to mention...do you have to find "the perfect mate" who will "always be there for you" (i.e. never "abandon" you) in order to survive and be happy?

The list goes on and on and the interpersonal dramas that play out around all of these things (and more) are dramatic because (I suspect) we have all become terribly, terribly, confused about which of these has any real bearing on our actual, physical, "survival/happiness" and which really Do NOT Matter one way or the other. To be honest, I have known of marriages that have floundered at least in part because of conflicts around these very issues. I can also see how just this kind of confusion can be the downfall of any worthwhile group effort such as building a sustainable community.

There is another consideration as well: At what point does the idea of "soul salvation" get confused with "individual survival"? Because, needless to say, there have been and still are great and dramatic conflicts that arise over the "life and death" - or shall I say - "heaven" vs. "hell" orientation of religious practices. And far from contributing to the functional survival of human beings as a whole, they have all too often contributed to the murder of whole populations of "unbelievers". Even worse, when the believer's own salvation is tied to their actively seeking the salvation, or conversion, or death of the "non-believers", dare I say (sometimes) "All hell breaks loose!"

And is ANY of this Really Necessary???? Are we really talking about basic survival issues, or is this all just a sad consequence of our instinctive capacity to internalize the "lessons of childhood" as if All of them were "Matters of Life and Death"!?

I would answer "No" to the first question and "Yes" to the second, at least based on my own insights and observations. Granted, I don't have a lot of research to back-up my theory, but I'm not so sure we have a lot of time left to test it, before we will all be forced to figure out which issues really are a "matter of life and death" and which issues are not. And it is those matters of most importance that have to be addressed individual by individual and community by community.

At this point, I would encourage everyone who wants to be involved in building more sustainable human culture to pay close attention to where the "drama energy" comes into play and be willing to ask the question: Is this really a matter of "life and death" or is it something else, something that does not warrant that level of intense emotional response? When everyone can come to a better understanding of such intense reactivity in themselves and see where it is rooted, then they can (hopefully) start to relax and learn to deal more effectively with the matters that actually are of the greatest importance. In this way we can all learn to work productively with others and avoid conflicts over issues that don't really matter in order to focus all of our energy on the issues that actually do - like making sure all human beings are able to meet their basic needs for clean air and water, healthy food, functional housing, affordable health care, and meaningful work.