Levels of Intimacy and Relationships - A Guide from Terry Gorski

In general, the following information comes from Terry Gorski's book, Getting Love Right: Learning the Choices of Healthy Intimacy. In this book he shares his point of view on the different types of relationships that people can have with varying levels of intimacy. (Some of it I have paraphrased from a lecture he gave on the same topic that I had the opportunity to listen to many years ago.) As Gorski explains: It is one of the hallmarks of dysfunctional (unhealthy) relating to believe you either have to be totally, intimately involved with someone, from the beginning, and it has to be seen as a serious or potentially long-term relationship, from the beginning, or you have no relationships at all. In other words, there is no "middle ground" - it's "All or Nothing".

One of the things I have come to appreciate about Terry Gorski is that he pretty much sees the realities of relationships for what they are and he addresses those realities as they are rather than making a lot of moral/value judgments about the people having various types of relationships. He basically says, "Look: It's obvious not every relationship is meant to be a serious long-term, committed relationship. People actually relate at a lot of different levels and for different reasons, and for different periods of time, which includes different expectations and different levels of intimacy."

In the original lecture I heard of Terry Gorski speaking on intimacy, he outlined several different levels of relationship as follows:

a) Casual - the type of relationship you have with the cleaning people at your workplace; in this case you'd have a very low level of intimacy, you may or may not even know each other's names, but you may say "Hi" to each other and interact in a very superficial way.

b) Acquaintance – someone you know a little better than a casual relation, but still with very little regular interaction. Maybe you know each other through other closer friends and relationships.

c) Functional Association - this form of relationship includes people that you work with and possibly people that you share housing with, clubs or social organizations of which you are a member. These are "functional associations" in that the individuals share responsibilities to maintain a given circumstance or to accomplish specific goals. Interactions are more task-oriented. Again this usually involves little or no intimacy in the sense of their being discussions about personal matters; although, it is common (though maybe not necessarily healthy) for those lines to be crossed.

d) Companionship - In a companionship, "the activity is more important than the person". In other words, the reason two people get together is to share an activity that they both enjoy. However, if Joe doesn't want to go see the latest Leonardo DiCaprio movie then you call up Steve and see if he wants to go instead since he also likes Leo. If Steve can't go, you move on to Alan, etc. For heterosexuals, it is probably easier to negotiate "companioning" activities with the same sex; however, negotiating motives and expectations can get a little trickier when companioning with the opposite sex. Same goes for homosexuals only in reverse, i.e. it's easier to companion with the opposite sex than it is to companion with the same sex. It is possible, however, in all cases as long as all parties involved understand at what level they are relating. In terms of intimacy, there may be a little more personal interaction between companions, but again, the focus is usually on the activity rather than the person with whom you are sharing the activity.

e) Friendship - Friendship is basically the opposite of companionship. In a friendship, spending time with the person becomes most important and the shared activity becomes secondary. Friendships involve much more focus on interpersonal communication, sharing of feelings, wants, hopes, dreams, desires, fears, etc. Friendships include emotional and psychological intimacy, but not necessarily physical intimacy. I think it is worthwhile noting that I have already discussed three other levels of relationships and we are just now getting to a level where intimacy becomes a more defining element.

f) Although at this point Terry Gorski would have defined the next level of relationship as a "Romantic Relationship" which would be further defined as "having a sexy friend"; I'd rather define this relationship as a Physically Intimate Friendship (especially given the info I shared in these blogs: Understanding the Psychology of Romantic Love - Part I and Understanding the Psychology of Romantic Love - Part II). I'm beginning to feel whenever you throw "romance" into the mix, you open the "Big Romantic Myth Box" (not unlike Pandora's) and the relationship will be undone by all the cultural and archetypal expectations that come spewing forth as a result. For me, at least, at this point in my life, I would rather have a lover who was first and foremost a good friend than anything mythically "more" than that (which would actually end up being less, as far as I have experienced it).

In further consideration of what it means to be a good friend; I would say it involves being able to maintain a balance of giving and receiving of energy and attention and a mutual meeting of love needs (See Also:Understanding Basic Human Love Needs). You can have friends who meet your love needs for togetherness or companionship, and you can have other friends who meet your love needs for communication or talking, and you can have still other friends who meet your love needs for physical intimacy and/or caring. If you happen to find a relationship where one other person can satisfy many or all of your most important love needs and you can satisfy all or most of their most important love needs, then I'd say that is a good basis for a longer-term, committed, relationship; if practical circumstances support that as well.

In Getting Love Right..., Gorski divides "love relationships" into four types: experimental dating, transitional and committed relationships, and intimate encounters. He says:

"Experimental dating, transitional relationships, and intimate encounters are all short-term relationships that last from several days to several months and are generally not expected to grow into long-term committed relationships. These short-term involvements each meet particular relationship needs. Experimental dating relationships give us new experiences that allow us to gain the knowledge we need to make sound relationship choices in the future. Transitional relationships provide valuable support during the difficult period after the end of a long-term committed relationship. Intimate encounters are unique relationships outside the normal context of our lives that meet our here-and-now needs for intimacy." (p. 91)

(This last statement is one that has sold me on Terry Gorski - the fact that he acknowledges a functional, relational place for "one night stands"! Granted, they're not what I'm really "into" anymore, but I've definitely had my share and I think I would have been able to truly enjoy them for what they were if overriding "romantic/all or nothing" expectations had not already been programmed into my brain by both religious and secular elements of society!)

Gorski continues:

"Two essential factors in all healthy relationships are awareness of your own and your partner's expectations and your honesty of motive. You must first be aware of the type of relationship you are or are not looking for and then be willing to discuss your expectations with your partner in the early stages of the relationship. If you are unsure of exactly what type of relationship you want, you can communicate that, too. Your partner also must talk about his or her expectations. This will give both of you an opportunity to decide if involvement, under those terms, will meet your relationship needs. This is especially important in transitional relationships and intimate encounters, when a misunderstanding of expectations and motive can be emotionally devastating." (pp. 91-92).

I can only say - how true, how true?! And here's some more:

"Although you think you know what type of relationship you are ready for, your relationship goals may change when you become involved with a particular person and your feelings toward him or her evolve. You can never be certain at the outset how a relationship will turn out. Don't be afraid to change your expectations as your feelings change, but realize that if they do, you need to let your partner know and renegotiate the terms of the relationship. Remember, just because you change your expectations doesn't mean your partner will change his or hers.

"These relationship categories are not absolute. They are important primarily to help you clarify the essential nature of the short-term relationships so that you can have a way of determining what you are seeking in a particular relationship and talk about it with your partner. There are times these categories will overlap, and you may find they are less definite in practice than in theory." (p. 92)

Okay - that's probably enough to digest for this blog.

My motives in writing: a) reinforcing these definitions/concepts with myself, and b) offering to my friends and "subscribers" what I consider to be some very practical understanding for healthy intimate relationships. My hope is that they will learn from this information as well, thus increasing the chances for them to also have healthy, functional relationships if they are not experiencing them already. And if they realize that what they have is/are already healthy, functional relationship/s - then this will help to reinforce and validate their experience in a way that all our media propaganda about the "romantic myth of love" cannot.

Overcoming My Addiction to "Falling In Love"

As I said in my last blog, I had another story to tell and it goes like this...

Almost four years ago now I was at a little get-together of friends of friends and met this young man named "Joe". He was tall and slender with kind of longish brown hair. Can't remember if his eyes were blue or brown now, but they were definitely "wide open" and curious. We happened to get to talking and the next thing you know I was telling him about masculine and feminine archetypes, anima/animus projection, etc., etc. He was really listening and engaged, so before the evening was over, I went next door to where I was living at the time, and retrieved copies of a couple of books for him to take home with him: The Invisible Partners: How the Male and Female in each of Us Affects our Relationships, by John A Sanford and About Men and Women: How Your Masculine and Feminine Archetypes Shape Your Destiny by Tad and Noreen Guzie. (I did not know it at the time, but "home" was just a five minute walk into the other condo complex across the road!)

As it turned out, he read both books pretty quickly (each of them under 200 pages), and he was very excited to talk about what he had learned the next time we met.

Now...I have to pause here...because, if there is anything that piques My interest it is someone who gets a lot out of reading books, and, in this case, it was someone who was finding something very meaningful in books I also found very meaningful. On top of that, his name was "Joe" just like the first man I ever fell deeply "in love with", and he was kind of tall and lean like that same "Joe". And, okay, the age differences were reversed, but that is a little hard for me to avoid these days given that most men my age have already married or probably are not going to.

However, Joe was involved with a young woman closer to his own age, and so we were "destined" to be just "friends", and I really wanted to respect that...mentally. Emotionally-sexually...man oh man... I was fighting that ol' "urge to merge", and I KNEW IT. You see, this was all happening after I had come to the understanding about "falling in love" that I have discussed in my previous blog.

So, I fought, and I fought, to keep everything "platonic". The next thing you know, my body starts feeling kind of strange. There was this edginess that seemed a little like the tension I associate with PMS, but...it wasn't exactly the same. If anything, it was more intense and pervasive, whole bodily more so than just mental or emotional tension. I was just feeling agitated and I couldn't put my finger on any immediate outside stressors that might have been causing it.

I remember being aware of this as I was washing dishes one evening, wondering what was really going on, and then, all of a sudden, I get that "light coming on" feeling and realized: My body was going through withdrawal symptoms. Even with all of the "buttons" that were being "pushed" while I was interacting with young Joe, I was forcing myself, forcing my body, to not go into that "falling in love" chemical patterning, and It was NOT "happy" with me...and it was letting me know it.

But...once I put two and two together, that was pretty much it. The game was up. I just relaxed as much as I could and let the rest of my "symptoms" run their course.

I've never felt that kind of "compulsion" to "fall in love" in quite the same way since. But, like any former "drug addict", put me in the right situation, and I'll be thinking about it, just like an alcoholic will think about taking another drink when there's a bottle sitting right in front of them. But, I guess you could say I've managed to "stay sober" for these past four years, and I suspect the worst of this particular addiction is over for me.

And, I'm glad for that, because I do not believe...better yet, I know for certain that is NOT what Truly Loving Someone is all about. It is NOT about "getting high"! Sure, it feels good for a little while, but just like with any other drug, the effects eventually wear off, and, worse yet, you can dip even lower than "normal" once you've been up so "high".

Oh, but the Drama - we do so love the Drama of it all - Don't we?! : P

What I've come to appreciate is that what is Real in Love is also what feels pretty ordinary. Not a lot of "highs", but then, not a lot of "lows" either. Instead of a roller-coaster, it's more like taking a casual drive through the countryside - enjoying the fresh air and sunshine, the grass, the wind in the trees, the sounds of birds singing, a sunset, a moon rise, and stars, and your best friend's hand in yours.

That's it. Whether you're washing dishes or taking out the trash or cooking a meal or laughing at a movie; folding the towels, replacing the toilette paper, making a bed, etc., etc. If you are happily sharing those responsibilities with another person, that is what Human to Human love is really all about. All of those little, ordinary, day to day things.

So, don't let the soap-operas, and the romance novels, and the "chick flicks" fool you, or distract you too far away from what might be right in front of you. Othewise, you will miss out on one of the greatest opportunities we all have to share here, one to one, person to person, day in and day out, as ordinary, and yet still really amazing, human beings.

The Cornerstone - Part II

In the spring of 1988, roughly three years after my mother went into the mental hospital, the carnival came to town and set-up in one of the large parking lots on the college campus. I became friends with the young man running the "Himalaya" ride, and not long after that, I decided to "join the carnival" myself, thinking it would be fun for a summer job (the fact that this guy looked a bit like Tom Cruise had nothing to do with my decision, of course! : )). Normally, the carnival did not allow women to travel alone, but since I would be working for this young man's mother, and his father was the manager of the show, they were willing to bend that rule in my case.

In general though, deciding to join the carnival was one of the first real choices in my life that I feel I made for myself, simply because it was What I Wanted to Do.  In other words, it was not about living up to any of my mother's expectations, or a boyfriend's, or a teacher's, etc.  It was just me doing something for me, trusting my own "gut", if you will.

So in June of that year, I boarded a Greyhound bus for the long trip from Tennessee, across the Ohio River into Indiana where I met-up with and became an employee of Cumberland Valley Shows. I went to work for my friend's mother helping her run her "Shoot Out the Star" joint. I adapted very quickly to all the routines of setting-up and tearing down, collecting spent lead shot for recycling, and loading the good shot into the straw-like metal tubes, that were later used to load the air-powered b-b guns. I became familiar with other members of the carnival, as well as some of the people who worked in between the various carnivals around the region, delivering stuffed animal prizes and other supplies.

One of these "inter-carnival" workers was an artist whose name might have been, John, but I remember him more as the "Zen Painter".  His talent was in creating these really bright colorful back-drops for the various games and rides and even the occasional truck trailer door for the "houses on wheels" that were quarters for many of the game owners and show managers.

This "Zen Painter" took an interest in me.  He listened to my life story and eventually loaned me a book to read.  It was The Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller.  It was a short book, under 200 pages, and I read it very quickly as I did not know when I would see my friend again and I wanted to be sure and be able to give it back to him when he returned from his travels to other carnivals in the region.

I remember being in my room, one of 10 or so built into an 18-wheel truck trailer, so it was pretty small.  I was sitting on my bunk bed, and I was reading through the sections where Alice Miller explains how one's parents are the only two people in the world who are really obligated to Love them Unconditionally; and how, if children do not receive that from their parents, if they do not get to experience a "happy childhood", there is no way, as an adult, to go back and "redo" that. Instead, in such a case, it was appropriate to Mourn the Loss of one's "happy childhood" and then Let It Go.

It did not take much for me to understand how this applied in my own case.  Right there and then, I started to cry, in the closet of my living quarters, a carny with Cumberland Valley Shows, a young woman, alone...I mourned the loss of my "happy childhood". And right there and then, I also Let Go.  I stopped expecting any other person to make up for what I did not receive from my parents as a child. I stopped seeking "unconditional love" from anyone else.  And at the same time, I realized that the only person left to "Love Me Unconditionally", to love my still present "inner child" unconditionally, was Me.  And, in many ways, the only person left to parent (or "re-parent") me was Me.

Now you may think that this was a very sad and maybe even terrible moment in my life.  But, actually, it was one of The Most Liberating.  Not only was it Truly Liberating for Me, but it was to be Liberating for all of the other people I came into contact with in my life from that point on, because I did not come to them with Any Expectations for them to "Love me Unconditionally" or to try to Make Up for the Loss of My "Happy Childhood".

Furthermore, I did not continue into my life feeling that "I have already suffered so much, I just can't bear to suffer any more and all I want is for someone to love me and take care of me" the way I was not loved and taken care of (in any functional way) as a child. In other words, I did not walk around with a sense of entitlement based on my previous suffering, nor was I bound to the inevitable disappointment over and over and over again, where those expectations were not fulfilled, because they Could Not Ever Be Fulfilled. I understood that my Childhood was over, it was dead, in the past, and could never be revived.  Yes, I recognized that loss, and I mourned that loss, but then, as a quickly awakening adult, I moved on with my life.

Now, more than anything else, I feel that understanding became the Cornerstone of my new life apart from my mother. I will not deny for a moment that Every Child Deserves the Unconditional Love and Functional Support of their biological or adoptive Parents. However, the sad fact is, most of us living today have not had that, and, unfortunately, most of the children living today are not getting that, although there are more today then there have been, thanks in part to wise and compassionate people like Alice Miller. My life, though not particularly extraordinary, is still a demonstration for others, that it is possible for all of us who have not grown up with truly "happy childhoods", to mourn that loss, and then Let Go, so that we can, in the here and now, accept responsibility for loving ourselves unconditionally, and for continuing on in our lives as the Adults that we are now, rather than as the children we might otherwise long to be again.

This world needs Adults - truly mature, empathetic, and rational human beings. It needs people who understand what it means to be Responsible for Oneself and ones actions, rather than people constantly clinging to the fantasy of some day being "taken care of" by an employer, by a lover, by "God", or by "The State."  I will not deny that there may very well be Larger Forces at Play here, but there is also a level at which we have to Take Part ourselves, consciously and responsibly, as Adults, and not as "children" still seeking the unconditional love and support of "someone...anyone" where their actual parents have failed to provide that.

So I will say again, Do Not Hesitate to Mourn the Loss of your "Happy Childhood" if this is appropriate in your case, but then, Let It Go and be ready to Move On.

I am very glad I "joined the carnival" - that I courageously "followed my gut" because there was a very, very, important message waiting for me, that I might never have received if I had not made that "crazy" choice in the first place. And as I have suggested here, the understanding I gained from reading The Drama of the Gifted Child became the "Cornerstone" for my life of learning apart from my mother. There have been many, many more ideas that have filled in that "structure" of my life, and in some cases, liberated me from ideas that were too limiting. It is those ideas that I am sharing through this blog, so that others might be strengthened and liberated as well.

The Cornerstone - Part I

My mother was paranoid schizophrenic. She believed we were both "prophets sent here to save the world from drugs, prostitution, and witchcraft that had been infiltrated here by the Communists" and that "the 'Mafia' was out to kill us." As a consequence, I spent much of the first 17 years of my life behind closed doors. I did not have many opportunities to socialize normally with my peers, nor was I ever given much in the way of practical worldly instruction, say for how to handle money and credit, or how to shop for clothes that fit me properly, or how to wear makeup.

My mother did allow me to go to school. I think she was smart enough to know that not doing so would bring the authorities into our lives and then our "cover would be blown". Furthermore, she had me convinced that if I talked to anyone who was part of the Mafia, they would come find us; and if I talked to anyone who was not a part of the Mafia, then they would be endangered by knowing about us. In this way she was able to keep me emotionally and psychologically cut-off from everyone else but her, even in those rare times when I may not have been cut-off from others physically.

Going to school eventually included college, and that is where I finally began to experience something like "freedom". My mother had qualified for Social Security Disability by then, and she lived in a small duplex close to campus.  She still relied on me for bringing her groceries, but otherwise managed her life and the occasional pet, more or less on her own.  I initially lived in the dorms, but later lived with other students (one of whom was also my cousin) in several different houses in the area.

It was while we were living in one of those houses, late one summer evening, when the police showed up at our door. They were there to inform me that my mother was in the emergency room. The first thought that came to mind was that maybe she had experienced a heart attack, as she had always complained of heart and/or blood related illnesses, though none were ever confirmed by doctors.  However, when I entered the emergency room and saw her lying on the gurney, the first thing she asked was "Who shot me?" It did not appear to me that there were any wounds to warrant her question, although there was a very large bruise on the back of her neck.  She went on to explain that she had heard my voice and the voices of my sisters (twins to each other and eight years older than me), and she thought we were all dead and she just wanted to be dead, too. I assured my mother that I was not dead, and then she continued at length to explain "what had happened to her" with all types of language and symbolism that only someone like me, who had grown up with all of that, could actually make any sense of. 

Later that morning, the minister of the church we had been involved with came to see us, and my mother repeated the story for him, only this time, I listened from his perspective, a "third person's" perspective, not "pre-conditioned" as mine had been. As I listened in this way, all of a sudden it hit me, "This must sound sooo bizzare!"  Furthermore, as the evidence sunk in that my mother actually tried to kill herself, I reasoned "Prophets don't try to kill themselves, and so, therefore, we are probably not prophets", which meant, for all intents and purposes, the rest of my "life story" had also been "One Big Lie". And then, with a crescendo of realization, the voice growing louder in my own head: "That means I have been afraid for all of these years For No Good Reason!!!! What a WASTE!!!!"

Later that day, my mother was transported to one of the State's mental hospitals, to be committed by the authorities as they had the right to do given that she had tried to harm herself. I went there a few days later to take her some of her clothes and other belongings to have with her in the hospital. Although, I still loved my mother, I was also relieved that I no longer had to be burdened with the responsibility of taking care of her, the burden I had actually been carrying for much of my life. Instead, it was now time for others, people trained to care for people like my mother, to take over. From a metaphysical perspective, I felt I must have had some past-life karma to resolve with my mother, but that I had "done my time" and was now released from the "prison" of our relationship... and that it was okay for me to get on with my own life.

Under the circumstances, that meant pretty much "starting over from scratch."  I was 20 at the time, and though of "legal age" I was still about as naive about the world, and how to relate to others, as a 12-year-old, and deep down inside I KNEW IT (as did some of the men who crossed my path).  But I was also determined to do everything I possibly could to figure things out.  There were mentor teachers and counselors around to help me, especially with books like The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck.  After reading that I was absolutely determined to See Reality for What It Was.  Even though my concepts of "God" and "Jesus" had pretty much gone out the window with any of the concepts of my own life as a "prophet," I still prayed to the Universe: "I want to know the Truth, about the world, about others, and about myself.  Just Bring IT ON...because I don't want to end up like my mother!"

Looking back, I actually bless my mother for many reasons:  First of all, by her life example (consciously chosen or not) she demonstrated for me what happens to someone when they are not dealing with reality as it is, and how the effects of that can impact everyone around them. Second, that day in the emergency room, again, more a consequence of her mental illness rather than a conscious choice, still granted me a completely Legitimate Reason to question everything I had ever learned in my life from her up to that point.  I think there are many adults in the world today who still have such emotionally charged illusions of their god-like parents, that they hesitate to ever question what they have learned from them.  That "illusion" was completely shattered for me, that day, and I am actually very grateful for that.

All in all, as I approached this second major stage of my life, I had a lot more freedom than most, to do what I wanted to do and to learn from my experiences. I was also free to think whatever I wanted to think and to explore ideas from all kinds of different sources. I was way beyond being afraid, because I knew how much of my life had already been wasted doing that. So again, I recognized that it was more of a blessing than a curse, this legacy I received from my mother. Nevertheless, I also knew, I had a LOT of "catching-up" to do.